It Is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 48, 1 June 1901, Page 22

It Is Town Talk

— That the banks take more interest in the country than the statesmen do Ask their clients. —Thai the Duke of York w ill return to England an authority on New Zealand butter of both brands. — That the Premier's diffidence about accepting a title might be overcome by making him Duke of Wellington. — That a Karon lady is so fond of fancy work that she bordered a porous plaster the other day with yellow edging. — That a snap-shot of the distinguished invites as they appear on the day of the reception would, perhaps, be interesting. — That the A^hburton "Standard" is a pretty cool pirate. It makes no bones about passing off a Lance aiticle as its own editorial. — That when H.R.H. uncovered" at the opening of the Federal Parliament it was at once observable that he is marked out as an early victim to baldness. — That in a locont dispute as to title, the value of the land in dispute was eaten up in legal fees, and sold to defray expenses. Conciliation with a \ cngeance ' — That there was an unreheai&ed sparring match in a local billiard-room on Saturday night. It all arose over the remark of a young man about town ■ — "The Scotch are the most sincerely grieved at the recent national loss. They hat© changing a sovereign." — That the Chnstchurch suburbs are afflicted at night with, gentlemen of much leisure, who ask you for a match. And their habit is, while you are searching for the match, to grab your watch and make off with it. It is just as well to be prepared for a similar game in Wellington.

— That the man with a small salary should marry a girl with a slender waste. That among the bonds that bind us to the Empire you must not foiget the debenture bonds. — That a marriage announcement in. an up-counlrv paper confers the dignity of "Esquire" upon the local bill-stickei and tonn-cnor. That the jewels winch the Dudleys of Cornwall is bringing with hei to Wellington have been insuietl against all lisks for £75,000. — That a woman's first baby is a heavenly visitant to her, a toy to her husband, a nuisance to the neighbouihood, and a living to the doctor. That in a recent breach of promise case the false villain was convicted of writing "Mi hart beet& only for the, Mi darling huney." Damages £200. — That if 'marnages are made in heaven," a few local cases of untying the nuptial knot by legal means are h^ no means complimentary to the manufactory. — That the Wellington manicuiists are now doing a hand-some trade. The man who has nursed his hand for a month will be disappointed if the Duke passes him by. — That storekepcrs, gardeners, cooks, laundrymen, and cabinet-makers comprise the various trades and occupations of the thirty-five Celestials who reside in Palmerston North. — That a well-known lady has spiaincd her ankle through practising tho sweeping curtsey with which she intended to make a "hit" at the Royal reception at Parliament House. — That the Duke of York is short, but not absolutely a dw arf , as some people seem to imagine, and that, to inciease his height somewhat, he wears highheeled boots — broad, square hee's. • — That a certain up-country bandmaster is being asked to explain why, on returning from a recent funeral, the band struck up <- 'E dunno where 'c are!" The afflicted relatives say it was just like his impudence — That there has been a pretty wide rift within the lute of a certain Royal Commission. One of the members and the scribe thereof were not swinging on the same gate and some rather sultry epistles are said to have been the result.

—That the plural of C.M.G. is G. M. Geese. — Thai the man who blows the bugle night and morning in Owen-street is sowing a wild crop of discord in that peaceful neighbourhood. — Tli at the two Macs could not hit it together, and that one of them is girding up his loins more in sorrow than in anger for fresh woods and pastures new. — That a Nelson paper "apologised" the other day for inadvertently calling a deceased settler an "old fellow," as it only meant that ho was an Oddfellow. — That, at a lecent wedding party, a u ell-known local bachelor casually remarked that he always looks under the head of marriage notices for news of the weak. — That a Wellington vagrant, who got an order upon the Hotel de Garvey the other day, remarked confidentially to the Bench, "Uneasy lies the head that wants a half-crown." — That Albert Edward Commonwealth George Victoria May Alexandria Toby Regina is a very full-sized name for a joung Australian born on Federal Parliament opening day. — Tli at the shoes certain women place outside their rooms in hotels, etc., are often several sizes smaller than the ones they w ear , the latter being cleaned by tho fair wearers themselves. — That a Kilbirme man threatens to put the police on to his neighbours' roosters for wakening him every day at 4 a.m. He says there is far too much towl language for the well-being of his neighbourhood. — That there was a great run on soothing powders throughout the Commonwealth when the Dook said ho had no present for babies who arrived in various parts of the Continent simultaneously with his own arrival. — That a certain municipal candidate, not so very far from Wellington, was asked at one of his meetings by an impeitinent elector "What makes your nose so red ?v? v "Blushing for the ignorance of fools like you," was his crushing reply. — -That a disreputable "drunk" made determined efforts to have his tipsy frontispiece included amongst a group of prohibitionists who were being "snapshotted" at Palmerston North the other day. It was only with difficulty that the son of Bacchus was excluded from the group.

— That the Boers are not good to back these times, yet they are certain runners in all their engagements. — That the fashion for hyphenating one's name is still growing. A Mr. Plumb-Duff has just entered the field. — That the people who expected invitations to shake hands with the Duke and Duchess, and find themselves overlooked, are saying spiteful things just now. — That, at a certain social gathering, held quite lately, the assistance of the police had to be invoked more than once to confine the affair within sociable limits. — That the Ratepayers' Association is growing more like the famous three tailors of Tooley-street every week. If things go on at this rate, it will soon be a one-man show. . — That, in attending the Royal receptions, loyal citizens are not obliged to wear cotton gloves, blucher boots, or red carpet slippers; nor are they ex^' pected to approach the Royal presence on all fours. s —That Premier See, of New South* Wales, pronounced the Duchess of York to be "the most charming woman in the world." Whereupon, a newspaper editor rises to ask "What does Mrs. mp say on the subject?" /{ — That, in resentment at the snarlirtg remarks of the German press, E|fl Roberts "thankfully returned" toKai«r Wilhelm the insignia of the Order of tine Black Eagle, which was conferred upon him some time ago. —That a Wellington citizen, who is afflicted with a perpetual thirst, was complaining one day this week that, in spite of all his efforts, he could not make both ends meet. "Just so," said his grocer : "you're too busy making one end drink." — That another smart and observant boy has been discovered in a Wellington school. The class was asked to mention a web-footed animal, and this particular nipper got clean ahead of all competitors by mentioning "the spider, sir." No cobwebs about him. — That a bashful young swain, out at Newtown, who had popped and been accepted, interviewed his prospective father-in-law through the safe mediumship of the telephone. The old man's reply was satisfactory. "1 don't know who you are," he said, "but it's all right."