Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume I, Issue 48, 1 June 1901, Page 12

Entre Nous

WELLINGTON Society is convulsed with suppressed excitement just now . The proximate cause is those invites to attend the Evening Reception at Parliament House m order to meet "the dear Dook" and "the darling Duchess." Those who have been favoured with the gilt-typed pasteboards are skirmishing around for claw-hammers and silk hats — that is to say, the people who do not keep them in stock, or perhaps have lent them out to that perpetual borrower, 'mine uncle." Their womankind you may find two or three deep at the drapers, inspecting dress-materials, in the fitting-rooms getting measured or "trying-on," or else at home reading up books of etiquette and deportment. The tradesmen and the dress-makers are having a real busy time of it, and holes are being knocked into salaries right and left.

But what of. the people who yearned for invites, and have not got them? Ah, there's the rub. They are sitting in the seat of the scorner, and you should just hear some of them talk. What an overhauling of family pedigrees and ancient history is going on ! No end of household skeletons are being trotted out for an airing, and each one has his or her notion of the exact reason or motive that prevented the expected invitation from being sent on. What a lot of lovely little stories are floating round ! They reach us from the most unexpected sources, but we forbear to give them wider circulation. It would be really too bad. Besides, you can hardly avoid coining into collision with some of them at afternoon tea — they are floating round so promiscuously, you know.

They are telling a good story across the Tasman Sea about a gullible and grasping ing tenor, uho recently left Australia. It seems he sent round for his manager one day, and said "Seek am lin mine head, sing I vill not this even-nmg!" The manager said that he must sing, as the bill could not be changed, and so on, but without avail. At last, he asked the singer if he had tried anything for his trouble. The vocalist replied "Non, non , ze pain ees so terr-ee-fique, I can nozzing try, but I veel tell you, my mind is al-zo disturb. Perr-haps eef you raise my, vat you call sal-ax-ec, fifteen pond for yon week, ze pain go away, and zen I sing." The salary was not raised.

Jf you and a friend — or two friends for the matter of that — are travelling by train, and you would like a car all to yourselves, it is the simplest thing to get one All you have to do is to follow the plan that was the other day adopted by a smart "commercial." He and his fnend, it seems, were going some distance on a Northern line, and felt that they would like to be the sole occupants of the car they were in. They sat thinking for a moment how they would manage it.

At last one of them said ho would put it right, and, stepping out on the footboard, told his companion to sit still, and stare in front of him. As the people came to the carriage door to get in, the traveller on the footboard whispered, something to them, and the passengers, after taking a look into the carnage, passed on. When all the passengers were seated the train started, and the traveller stepped into the carriage to join his companion, sayine;, as he did so — ' Done it, haven't I ? " His companion replied "Yes, I sro you have , but how did you manage it p ' '"Oh, I merel- told them you were a lunatic, and I had you in. charge."

It is a well-known local vendor of bicycles who tells the story, and there were tears in his voice as he broke it gently to us. He had in his w'mdow a handsome specimen of the feminine bike, when two stylishly-dressed ladies sauntered in and asked to be allowed to examine it. Of course, the dealer got it out, and began to descant volubly, after the manner of his trade, upon the exceptional qualities of this particular bicye'e. The lady deposited her sylphlike figure on the saddle, and then asked the friend who was with her if she thought it would do. "Yes," said the friend, "I think it will do very nicely." "Well. I think I will have this one." The shopman asked if she would like him to send it home for her. "No," she said, "I don't mean the bicycle, but I have got a new cycling skirt, and I wanted to' see how it set. That is all. Good-day!" And she walked off, leaving the shopman to collect his senses, and to say, "Heaven bless you'" In fact, he has been invoking blessings on her head ever since.

Several of the members of the Contingent which represented New Zealand at the Melbourne Commonwealth jubilations were members of the Contingent which Premier Seddon sent to the Queen's Jubilee festivities. One of these, a Wellingtonian, was asked what he thought of the Victorian show as compared with that made in London in 1897. He thought Melbourne simply ' beat London hollow" in the originality and richness of her arches. The English city, with all its wealth and influence, did not come near the colonial city in the way of special architectural display. The fireworks shown in the Crystal Palace grounds, however, were far superior to those displayed in Melbourne.

P)emier Dick: Look here, Joe ; it strikes me the " Post " must have nobbled the Army. Lukin has been piling on the agony about Naboth'b vinei/atd just w> if I had had anything to do with it, and comparing me to a chap called King Ahab, and now I see thh Commandant Booth, joho arrived the other day, has taken up tlie running on the same subject. PoUmaster-General Joe : Hoiv's that, Dick 1 I thought you were hand-in- glove with the

A) my l Pienuet Dick So did I, Joe. But the paper here scujb that Commandant Booth addressed a crowded audience in the Opera House last night on Naboth\ vineyard. Hang NabotlCs viiieyaid. And he aho abked, " Are there no Ahabs here 2 " Now, ichat's the little game, th*

Dissatisfaction runs very just now in Volunteer circles over the high-handed business carried on by the Rifle Battalion staff. Some months ago a camp was held at Newtown Park, and the camp allowances due to the several corps were illegally paid ove*- it is alleged, to the battalion staff, by the then (acting officer commanding the district, and disbursed by them instead of being paid into the bank to the credit of the funds of the respective corps, as laid down by the Volunteer regulations. Some very warm discussions have taken place at the annual meetings of the corps interested over this irregular business, and. we are informed, that one corps has made several applications to the above staff to be supplied with a statement of the expenditure, supported by receipts, and the communications have, so far, been treated with contempt.

"Do you play football?" asked counsel of a witness at the Christchurch Magistrate's Court the other day. "Yes, centre three-quarter," was the reply. "Whatever does that mean?" asked Mr. Beetham. Another legal luminary then appealed to was similarly ignorant, and murmured something about centre seven-eights. Legal innocence is truly pathetic.

New Zealanders, representing their colony at the Commonwealth festivities, were disappointed at the coldness of the Victorians. "My word," said one member of our Contingent, "we Wellingtonians get the name of being chilly towards strangers, but the Melbourne chaps are fair icebergs. Would you believe it, they didn't offer us the right hand of fellowship nohow. The only fellow who did the right thing by Maorilanders during the visit was good old Bland Holt. He asked us round to his place — to see the show. There's the Garrison Band — no fraternal greetings! There's the Permanent Artillery — no welcome, brothers, to our Order! There's the rifle companies — no come-and-have-one-with-us! And tucker was high when we were out on our own. Oh, I tell you, we felt lonesome in Melfreezia!"

A well-known Wellington c.t. returned home last week quite a hero among the great travelling fraternity. The steamer by which he wished to leave a certain small southern town — where he does not call often — was to take her departure on a Sunday, soon after her arrival. As the hour for leaving drew near, however, the man of travel found, to his dismay, that his cases of samples stood a good chance of being left behind. The wharfinger stoutly refused to allow them to be shipped, as the allpowerful local authority nad ruled that there must be no Sunday labour.

The joint persuasive eloquence of himself and the vessel's skipper proving futile, sulphur began to impregnate the atmosphere. But even the brimstone did not get the bulky cases shifted. At last, the 'commercial" — who is twothirds muscle — did the lumping himself, to the dismay of King Wharfinger, while the captain forcibly expressed his views on wharfingers, local bodies, and things in general. And now it is not unlikely that recourse will be had to the Jaw to test the right of the official, or his superiors, in prohibiting urgent Sunday uork.

"A man is always known by the company he keeps," They tell you in the copy-books where moral wisdom sleeps ; But later, down on Lambton Quay, when, studying the "quotes," You find a man is known by the company he floats ! • * •

It may have been observed that tlio Duke of York's programme for Auckland includes a day's deer-shooting on the beautiful island of Motutapu, at the entrance to the harbour. And thereto hangs a tale that is worth the telling. It shows how excellently our colony is advertised by the visitors whom it sets itself out to entertain. When the Imperial troops were malting their progress through New Zealand, Colonel Wyndham and his officers were taken down to Mofcutapu, and allowed to try their skill as stalkers upon the iallow deer wjth which the island abounds. * * * Evidently, they had glorious sport, for it made a great impression upon their memories. In passing through the Red Sea on her way Home, the transport Britannic encountered the Royal yacht Ophir, and, of course, Colonel Wyndham took the opportunity to hasten on board and pay his respects to the Duke and Duchess. What was the staple of conversation naturally hath not transpired, but it is a pretty safe thing to assume that the Duke and Duchess would be curious to hear what sort of time the "dashing milingtaires" had m the colonies to which the Royal party was bound. Motutapu and its deer certainly must have come in for a fair share of attention, for, from the very next port at which the Ophir touched, the Duke is said to have cabled to Lord Ranfurly asking His Excellency to arrange for him a day's deer-shooting at Motutapu. And that is how it came to figure on the programme. * * * Breathes there a man with a soul so dead Who never to himself hath said "If I came out for the House I know I'd stand a very decent show?" ♦ * * There were grief and lamentation in Willis-street on Saturday last. Also, great mirth among the unsympathetic on-lookers. A lady, of uncertain years and substantial figure, was very manifestly disguised in liquor. She felt a bit tired in her progress up the footpath, and suddenly made up her mind to have a rest. It escaped her observation, however, that she was depositing her weight upon the show-window of a popular boot and shoe establishment. There was a resounding crash and shiver of glass, and. as the whole street turned its astonished head to see what was the matter, their gaze fell upon the ludicrous spectacle of a sixteen-stone female sitting upon a pile of assorted bootware and broken glass, her head within the window, while another pile of leather goods and fragmentary gla&s lay strewn about her feet, which rested on the pavement. She did not pose in that tableau more than a few brief moments. Like a flash she gathered her skirts about her, and scorched for the reclaimed land, ere the astounded shop-assistants asked the old, old question — "Where are the police?"

A story is going round (says a Christchurch paper) that not very long ago, in fact while Premier Seddon was away at the Sydney Commonwealth shivoo, Peter Pender, whom we all know and esteem, was up before a certain superior officer regarding a matter that was being inquired into. During the interview, Pender made certain statements, and was met with the retort, "You're a — (blank) !" At once the brave old man's blood boiled up, and he was about to thrash the offender with his hunting crop, but a third person who was present intervened. Report further says that on his return the matter was reported to Premier Seddon, who said, "While I am Premier, Peter Pender remains an Inspector of Police, if he so chooses !" * * * A matter-of-fact watchmaker has been to the Opera House to see "lolanthe." He has seen it, and wondered. The cause of his amazement he has hastened to pour into our receptive ear. He says — "Have you noticed the clock face in 'lolanthe,' Act 11., Palace Yard, Westminster? It has two XIIs., no XI, and IV. instead of the usual 1111. I nearly took a fit. Guess that scene-painter wants to be told the time o' day." Evidently, that watchmaker ought to be charged double price. He had more than his fair share of fun out of the performance. • ♦ • An old lady from the country received rather a shock to her feelings the other day, while lunching at Kirkcaldie's. Watching for a friend, she drew aside the curtains, and gazed down the stairs Great was her surprise to see, standing on the staircase, a good-look-ing young man with both arms clasping the waist of a pretty girl, quaintly robed in grey. Thus they stood some moments, and the old lady, not wishing to interrupt a lovers' tete-a-tete, was moving away, when — oh horror! — that giddy young man, hearing footsteps approaching from behind, calmly lifted the maiden in his arms and carried her ut>stairs. Wishing to more closely inspect this very odd couple, the old dame hurried to the mantle department, only to discover a rather breathless assistant and a demure wax figure patiently waiting to have its costume changed before being returned to the window. ♦ • ♦ They say it is a perfectly true bill. A certain auctioneer, who was conducts ing a sale of household furniture some days ago, put up a clock across the dial of which was printed "Tempus fugit." In the usual fashion of auctioneers, he dilated upon its get-up, ornate appearance, and its excellence as a timekeeper. Then he looked critically at the clock-face, and said, admiringly, "Tempus fugit' Ah, yes, splendid make. During the time I've been in your midst, ladies and gentlemen, I've sold some hundreds of clocks of Mr. Fugit's, and the whole of them have turned out most satisfactorily."

The "linoliar" is the most modern of newspaper worries, as more than one of our papers have found out since the linotype machine was introduced. A good story is now going the rounds concerning what happened in a printery lately. The paper was late in its going to press, and the printer was rushing along the last "forme" at express speed, and, as sometimes happens under such circumstances, he got things badly mixed. The first part of an obituary notice upon an impecunious citizen had been lifted into place, and, mistaking the "galley." the printer lifted his next handful from an article descriptive of a fire. * * * This is how part of the story read in the paper . — "The pall-bearers lowered the body to the grave, and, as it was consigned to the flames, there were but few, if any. regrets, for the old wreck had been an eyesore to the town for years. Of course, there was individual loss, but that was fully covered by insurance." It is said that the widow of the departed one thought the paper had shaped the obituary in that style out of revenge because her husband had left this sphere without paying up his arrears of subscription to the paper! * * * The very latest about De Wet comes from a Southern town. A boy was out in the street crying the sale of photographs of the leading Boer generals, which he professed to have done up in envelopes. An old gentleman stopped the youngster, and, finding the price was only sixpence, said he would take a picture of De Wet. He opened the envelope at once, and found he had drawn a blank. Thereupon, he called the youthful vendor back, exhibited the blank card, and hotly demanded an explanation. The boy was not in the least bit surprised or flurried. He merely exclaimed, "Oh, the beggar, he's slipped us again." and forthwith took to his heels. It is the latest "gag." If you are "had" by it after this explanation, it is wholly your own fault. * • • It is remarkable that the three lawyers in the City Council are opposed to any money being spent on entertaining their future King. Seeing that the ambition of every lawyer is to "sport silk," the lawyers in question have surely a poor hope of becoming K.C.'s. Of course, they will not be seen at receptions or other functions, smiling like mad, and trying to get into the Duke's line of vision. * * * The champion sneak-thief was chronicled not long since as haying stolen a man's boots at Auckland while the owner man's boots at Auckland while the man was rescuing some drowning person in the harbour. The contemptible wretch has evidently turned up in Sydney, for, while a rat-catcher was saving a man from drowning, off Pyrmont Bridge, last week, he had his rats stolen.

A smart business man, belonging to Wellington, got neatly taken down by a Salvation lassie on the passage up from Lyttelton lately. In the course of a bantering conversation, that enabled him to "show off" in the social hall, he asked the poke-bonnet maiden if she really believed the story of Jonah and the whale. 'I don't know," she demurely said, "but when I get to heaven I'll ask Jonah if it did happen." "But," observed the funny man, "supposing he isn't there?" "Then," answered the girl, promptly, "you can ask him." The social hall rang with laughter, and he didn't appreciate it, either. * * ♦ She frowned on him and called him Mr Because in fun he merely Kr, And then, in spit«, The following nite, That naughty Mr Kr Sr.