THE END OF A GREAT WAR.

Northland Age, Volume 16, Issue 17, 16 January 1919, Page 3

THE END OF A GREAT WAR.

Being a true and faithful history of a storm in a teapot which occurred in Kaitaiyah in the year of our Lord 1918 Anno Domino. (By Herman the Herald). a Now, it is known to all the nations of the earth that the fairest island in all the five oceans is Aotea-roa, and also that the Garden of Aotea-roa is the Winterless Northland and the fairest spot in all the Northland is Kaitayah, otherwise known as Paradise or the Celestial City. It is also known that at one time the ruler of Aotea-roa, Bill Massey, better known as Pukewilliam, and his henchman, Sir Joseph, went to see the Great War and to advise in the conduct thereof, and upon their return in the great ship Niagara, brought the dread disease “Flu” back with them. This dreaded scourge gathered unto itself all the strongest and best men that had been left behind to till the soil that the people might be fed, also the soldier newly returned from the war, but the aged and infirm and the sickly weakling it left alone. There were many who feared it exceedingly, and many measures were taken for safety’s sake even unto getting intoxicated on Harry Stewart's potash water (fortified). But there was no effect made in all Aotea-roa at organisation to prevent the dread disease from spreading until it was too late. Therefore it spread and spread until it reached even unto Kaitaiyah that “ gem on the diadem of South Pacific,” and even Herman the Herald was affected sorely and lay for many days meditating whether he should join the heavenly choir or return to the doubts, difficulties and debts of this terrestrial Paradise.

Now in Kaitaiyah tficre dwelt one Signor Curnello, wise in his generation who was the ruler of Northland, President of the Chamber of Commerce and 1 Editor of a paper known as the Northland “Sage” Therein also dwelt one Thom-, ’ as de Houston, ruler of the Mangonui County Council, also of great wisdom and of the cunning of the Jackal, and between Signor Curnello and Thomas was war to the bitter end. Now, Signor Curnello was also crafty, and he took counsel with himself in this wise “I will shake the Council up and I will write me a screed for the “Sage ” and accuse the Council of neglecting to take measures to prevent the spread of the deadly disease, and I will also whisper into the shell-like ear of the County Clerk what she shall wire to the Health Department, and I will organise a Relief Committee to help the poor stricken native in his raupo whare, as well as the wealthy cowbanger in his palace of iron and poilitc, and people will rise up and call me blessed ” And he did all these things and more. He wrapped a towel round his head, and fortified himself with Harry Stewart’s potash water, (with a drop of something in) and he sat far into the night inditing a crafty letter for the “Sage,” a letter that should make even the somnolent people of Kaitaiyah sit up and take notice. And he also whispered into the County Clerk’s ear, and muchly enjoyed doing so, but what he said no man knoweth, for it is said that he did it over the telephone. He dictated also to her many telegrams, which were to bring help and medicine to the poor, stricken' suffering people of Kaitayah, and he achieved such a triumph of organisation that he organised a rather tough lot of natives~into a band of heavenly angels. (Vide the County Chairman’s speech at Kaitaiyah Hall, December 20th.) It is known that what the Curnello doethhe docth well. In his script lie did affirm that the Council was the body responsible for the welfare of Paradise, its health, its roads, its bridges, yea, even unto its births and deaths, and in this case had been neglectful of their duties; also that the members of the Council were weighed in the balance and were found wanting.” Herman knoweth not which member’s weighed light, but will bet his old hat that it was not the member for Kaitayah. He hath been in a small boat with him and knowth to his sorrow that he weighs not light. It was not also the member for either Mangonui or Houhora. It may have been either the member for Awanui or Oruru, hut Herman knoweth not. As for any members found wantiug; Thomas de Houston stated publicly that he had lost 3 libs and Councillor Matthews said he had lost his notes at the meeting and could not proceed with his speech. Now when the Kaitaiyah member read the " Sage” he became exceedingly wrathful and straightway indited a letter accusing Signor Cumello’s statements as being incorrect and misleading, and the Signor himself of being unchivalrous. Now everyone knoweth that one of the privileges of the Press is to be incorrect and misleading, as witness the war news in the daily papers, so Councillor Matthews need not have got his hair off over that; but to accuse Signor Curnello of being unchivalrous was unthinkable.

Signor Curnello got exceeding wrath thereat, for it is well known that he loveth the fair sex with an overpowering love, and would do without his dinner for a smile from a fair maid, and would imperil his immortal soul to clasp her hand in his and look deep into her eyes, whether brown or grey, and whisper sweet nothings which would cause the loveliest blushes to come sweeping over her cheek from neck to brqw. Ah, naughty Curnello, Herman krtqweth thee well and would fain be thy disciple, but that a great bashfulness and trembling cometh over him at sight of a fair maid. [Editor’s Note.—Oh, Ananias!) Now, when de Houston read the “Sage” lie also was exceeding wrath, and challenged Signor Curnello to prove his statements on the public platform, and he arranged a meeting in the Kaitaiyah Hall. When the night came round there was a great multitude of people present, some even coming from that deserted village Bold Water. The Editor of the “Guarding ” was there, no doubt to get some points on how to conduct a wholesome paper, and there were many from Victoria Valley, and Awanui, and Ahipara. All the great intellects of the Northland were there, ayeiyinto Herman the Herald, and they sat in judgment as either side stated its case. There was much talk and many things were said which may or may not have been true. De Houston, in his opening address, pointed out the wide circulation of the

“ Sage,” which he said circulated to the uttermost ertds of the earth, no doubt due to its wholesomeness, and lie feared that the statements made would be injurious to the Northland. He had the interests of the Great Norlljland at heart, and nothing would grieve him more than to see its present high reputation injured; but he did not point out that the Council had ever organised anything to check the flu. He seemed to think that organisation was rather fatal, and that the districts which did not organise came off lighter than those that did. He denied that the legal responsibility for effort in this direction lay with the Council and challenged Signor Curnello to prove that it did. Signor Curnello in his reply said that everything which had been done was at his instigation, and that organisation was necessary where helpers were few and cases many. He also intimated that in the future he would be [pleased to act as judge at the show, as owing to the epidemic he had had close and special acquaintance with the “live stock” in the district. But he was unable to fix the legal responsibility for action on the Council, and what is more he did not try. He could not prove that any of the members for Kaitaiyah, Mangonui or Houhora “ weighed in light,” as they were all heavy weights either in body or intellect, and he would not tell what he had whispered into the shell-like ear of the County Clerk. After two hours of fervid eloquence, and much vehement gesture, and personal allusions, the issue was put to the meeting ; but as nobody understood what they were to vote for and as all looked upon the whole thing as a cheap entertainment, provided by the County Council there was no decided vote.

The Chairman made a neat little speech

requesting both speakers “to fall upon each other’s necks and embrace, and in future to work together for the good of the Northland. It was a pity that two such mighty intellects should be at variance, and if each were to take up his own particular line, the one to conceive and the other to execute, the Great Northland would be greatly benefited. There was no doubt about the County Council’s executive ability, and the President of the Chamber of Commerce was a good organiser, and if they would shake hands and work together the whole community would benefit.” (If he did not say exactly this, no doubt he meant to.) The speakers thereupon publicly fell upon each other’s necks and wept, shook hands and buried the hatchet for ever. There*, fore we may now expect the fairest spot on earth to be made fairer, with streets paved with marble, and houses built of many colored stones, like unto Rip Van Winkle’s “Stone Jug”; also with trees bearing fruit and shade tor the weary traveller, lining either side of the road; an,d electric light at night, and fair maids in plenty, and gbld and credit to be had for the asking, and a marble monument of Signor Curnello, standing erect and declaiming with both hands upraised, and another of the County Chairman with one hand in his trouser’s pocket and in the other a parchment roll, and a tar macadam road from the port of Unahi to Auckland City. Such is the prophecy of Herman the Herald.

[Editor’s Note.—Aotea-roa is the Native name for the North Island of New Zealand.)