Signs and bonders.

Northland Age, Volume 3, Issue 20, 18 December 1906, Page 2 (Supplement)

Signs and bonders.

BY ARNOLDo GOLSWORTHY.

&>oie kind friend has thoughtfully sent, uie u booklet calculated to interpret all the signs and wonders of life. It seems to in© that there are no more mysteries for me at all now. If I fall upstairs on the way to bed -I rush to my booklet and find that it is the sign of a wedding, fioni" unfeeling persons might allege that it was the sign of a birthday that had been too freely celebrated ; but I trust I have too much dignity to take notice of Mirl, scandalous insinuations. If your nose itches, I understand that it is a sign you will have company. If the space between your shoulders itches well, a friend of mine who went to the n» a-'do this year tells me it's a pretty wire sign you’ve ffot company. Ore or two of the conclusions of this l*>ok are so singular that I am positively aching to know how they were arrived at. For instance: I understand that “to return after starting from home signifies bad luck.” I really didn’t know this. Indeed, I should have regarded with suspicion anyone who returned Irforr starting from home. I should faucy I had got into an awfully mixed up neighbourhood. Further, •• if two spoons are accidentally put into a cup it denotes a wpdding.” I daresay it is so. I have seen two “ spoons ” sitting in a quiet corner under the mistletoe at Christmas-time, and if it didn’t denote a wedding I certainly think that the lady's father ought o have spoken to the ycung man about it very severely. The writer of this booklet has evidently been around a good deal and noticed tilings. He knows something. I can see that. It su ms that a horseshoe nailed over an entrance keeps away witches. “It should be nailed toe-down.” Yes. And I think the chap who went around volunteering information of this sort would run agi eat risk of being toed-out. I think, however, the writer might have explained whi his the heel of a horseshoe. Some of i * have hitherto been under the inipro*don that a horse’s hoof woo all toe. “It -a bad omen to postpone a marriage.” T suppose this is one way of hinting that tl« .ill’s big brother may come round an* ; make you feel sorry you’d tried to shit.ilc tho fatal day off for a bit. 1 .is little bo< klet, I may explain, is dt dii ated specially to “ All Fair Women.” That is, of course, to all women. For no woman can look in the glass and conscienrimsly admit that she is not fair to see. Bi! the nature of this dedication explains why so much of this fascinating work is devoted to matters of love* and marriage. It is the one subject you can always bet on as a means of catching a lady's eye. Quite a lot of the book is taken up with the method of telling your fortune by probing the grounds in your tea or coffer-. If the grounds take the shape of a ring they signify marriage. Of course a ring doesn’t always signify marriage. If the grounds take the shape of u heart it is a Hjgii you will receive some money. Yes, I know ; but what lam most anxious to hurt out is—how much ? I receive money frequently, and have to pay it away again to tradespeople and bothering persons of that sort. What I want is a show of coffee grounds that will give the Amount in plain figures so that I may know w hether or not it is worth while following it up. If lam to understand that grounds in my coffee cup will result in a six-figure gift of money from some gen*ions and appreciative donor, I v ill have the grounds mixed specially for tin; purj ose. At the present moment, however- and I make this statement deliberately and iii cold blood—l have no grounds for action.

It is astonishing how easy it is to foretell the future if you only go the right way to work. Who could have thought that the dominoes with which you while away the luncheon-hour can tell, with proper treatment, what is going to happen in the near presently ? For instance, if yon turn them all face downwards and then draw the double-blank in a blind chance it means great trouble. The book doesn’t say to whom, but if you are playing a game in which the fewest remainders count, I should say the trouble is

most likely to be the other fellow’s. If yon draw the “four-two” you must beware of thieves and swindlers. As a matter of fact, most of us know enough to beware of thieves and swindlers without having to go to a box of dominoes to be told this verv obvious truth.

If you draw the double-four “ you will drink liquor at a distance.” This doesn’t seem to me to be quite clear. Do I understand to mean that you will drink it through straws ; or is it an infallible sign that you are going home at once to fix the garden hose on to the beer-barrel in the cellar, so that you can drink steadily without the tiresome necessity of having to go down and fill tho blame jug every time ? If you draw the four-one it moans that “ an angry friend will write.” That’s all write—l mean right. As long as the angry friend confines himself to writing it doesn’t much matter. It’s when the angry friend comes round personally and tries to knock you baekerds into the um-brella-stand that you need to grow anxious. Then there arc dreams. For many years dieiuns have been held to mean something, and it is not likely that a book of valuable information like this is going to deny itself a dip into the dream question. I have therefore much pleasure in stating on good authority that if you dream of a corpse you will soon be married. I cannot waste time discussing the frivolous objections of dreamers who are married already. They should have thought of that before. If, on the other hand, you dream of a wedding, it denotes a funeral. It seems to me that an undertaker in a poor way of business has only got to go to sleep and dream steadily of weddings in order to give quite a pleasing j< ik-up to trade. I think, also, that if you got a book of this sort and accept its conclusions at all seriously, it denotes a tendency to softening of the brain, and it is a sign that you are not fit to be at large in a healthy community. I used to think atone time that the increase of Board Schools and the extra facilities they give for higher education would teach the great mass of

people that a thing is not necessarily gospel because it is in print. But the longer I live the more it seems to me that it is as easy to bluff the crowd to-day as it was a thousand years ago.