COMFORT FOR THE COLONIES.

Nelson Examiner and New Zealand Chronicle, Volume XIV, Issue 55, 6 October 1855, Page 4

COMFORT FOR THE COLONIES.

A DIALOGUE. COLONIAL SECRETARY AND HIS OWN SECRETARY.

[From the Press."] Scene. — The railway carriage on the road from Vienna. Lord John— Well, Mr. 8., we have done with Vienna. The city is historically interesting, and not deficient in objects of attraction, hut I have not formed a high opinion of its cleanliness or morality. However, we need not discuss that subject. Do you happen to have such a thing as a list of the colonies about you ? Mr. B. — I believe that from memory I can supply your lordship with such a list. Lord John— Dear me. From memory? That's very remarkable. It does you great credit. Do you know that I could not call them over from memory, though I am going to govern them all ? I have a good mind to test your memory. It's too dark to ccc the country, and so we may as well improve our minds. Come, let us overhaul these colonies, and see what one knows about them. Mr. B.— ln what part of tbe world shall we begin ? Lord John— Anywhere you like. Mr. B. — To begin, then, there is Canada. Lord John — Yes, that is right. Canada. Let us see— what is the great historical event connected with Canada? I know! The quarrel between Mr. Fox and Mr. Burke, on tbe bill for dividing the provinces. It is a great honour to a distant province, that it should have been mentioned in Parliament by two such men. There was my Lord Durham, too, an able man, but arbitrary in temper—l think he had about nine months of Canada — " the bland-looking Lord we sent off to the west," ha ! ha ! Yes, I know all about Canada, Mr. B. Go on. Mr. B. — Nova Scotia. Lord John — Nova Scotia : let'a see. O yes — baronet manufactory. It's out America way somewhere. All right. Mr. B. — Newfoundland. Lord John — Cods and big dogs. I know. Mr. B.— Grenada. Lord John — That's in Spain : it was the last possession of the Moors. Stop, Mr. 8., that can't be right. We can't have any possessions in Spain. Mr. B. (privately laughing) — There is Gibraltar, my Lord. Lord John — Yes, you are right — quite right. That is in Spaio, certainly, and is the ancient Calpe, and one of the Pillars of Hercules. But I am in doubt of Grenada for all that. We must ccc about Grenada. Tell me another. Mr. B. — Dominica. Lord John — That was discovered by Christopher Columbus, who was a very celebrated man, Mr. B. If you have not read his life, I recommend it to you, as a young man. It is a pleasing evidence of the way in which perseverance overcomes obstacles. Go on, if you please. By the way, do you know anything about Dominica? Mr. B.— lt's in the West Indies, my Lord. Lord John — Well, now that is a fact, and a very important one. Go on. Mr. B.— Heligoland. Lord John — Right. The poet Campbell, whose writings I strongly recommend to you, from their purity of style and general elegance, wrote a poem against the Irish Tories, whom he ably described aa going first to Heligoland, and then to another place with a shorter name. That colony, there* fore, has its political use. The next, please ? Mr. B.— The Cape of Good Hope. Lord John— Ah, and those infernal Kaffirs, and still more abominable colonists. What a deal of trouble they have given about the convicts, instead of allowing the Home Government to work out its own plans. In old times it was called the Cape of Tempests, and I think tbe former title was tbe most suitable. I dare say I shall have a good deal of bother with that Cape. Mr. B.— Ceylon. Lord John— Hang it, Mr. 8., you've got into a set of pleasant recollections ; Lord Torrington, and so forth. I made a very good joke about its capital being sugar-candy. Ha! ha! I forget exactly how I put it, but it nearly killed Charles Wood with laughing. Ceylon — " spicy breezes " — Bishop Heber's bymn — all right. Mr. B. — Barbadoes. Lord John— The Bcene of tbe story of Inkle and Yarico ; and in the play of that name there is a chorus containing the words, " And all Barbadoes' bells shall ring." This was an inaccurate expression, for at the time, and for long after, there was but one bell in the island, You see, Mr. 8., that inaccuracy seldom evades detection. Tbe island itself I don't seem to know much about, but I have an impression that every body there is always being ruined. Mr. B.— Montserrat. 1 Lord John— ls that one? I never heard tbe I name, except in Sir Walter Scott's charming tale, the Talisman. Is not the Marquis of Montserrat ! one of tbe characters ? Mr. B.— Hong Kong. Lord John — Ah; that's in China. I know all about that. By tbe way, make a memorandum to see which way the Chinese revolution is going. If I thought the rebels were quite sure to succeed, I would interfere and protect them against tbe tyranny of the Imperialists. Palmerston thinks nobody can do the non-intervention business but himself. Mr. B. — Mauritius. Lord John — That waa where that unscrupulous l libeller, the late Hook, got into a scrape; and served him right, for assailing bis superiors' liberality and ability. I Mr. B.— St. Helena. Lord John — Ah I we Wbigs made good capital out of tbat rock and Sir Lowe, in tbe old times. I've an affection for St. Helena. Let's see, though, are you sure it is ours still ? Didn't we give it up to France ? No, no ; you're quite right, it was not the island, only the remains of the Emperor. Go on. Mr. B. — Australia. Lord John — That's a place I shall make very short work with, if the people are troublesome. Another. Mr. B. — Sierra Leone. Lord John — An invaluable place. One sends troublesome people there, and one draws admirable sentiments fiem it about liberty, emancipation,

and all that. Would you like an appointment to Sierra Leone, Mr. B. ? Young men should be enterprising, you know. Mr. B.— l am much obliged to your Lordship, but my connections are English, and— shall I go on with the colonies ? Lord John—What ! are there any more ? Mr. B.— Lots, my Lord. There's Antigua, and St. Christopher's, and Demerara, and Honduras, and Jamaica, and New Zealand, and TrinidadLord John — Stop, stop ! Do you mean that all those are our colonies ? There must be some mistake. Mr. B.— l can give you some more, my Lord. There's Anguilla, Bahama. Caps Breton, the Falkland Islands, Gambia, Goza, Malta — Lord John— Be quiet, 1 tell you. Mr. B. — But I know a lot more. Lord John— Pray be quiet. Such a list of name* is quite overwhelming. Of course I don't mean that I shall have the least difficulty in managing all these places, or that I shrink from the responsibility ; but still one's hands will, I see, be pretty well occupied, if I add to tbe duties of my office those of Parliament. By the way, your memory is very good ; do you remember what, in a lump, they estimate as the number of— of— ha !— ha 1— my subjects ? Mr. B. — Well, your own separate number is aot very large, but then they are scattered all over the world. But, between you and Mr. Vernon Smith, you number about a hundred and thirty- seven millions of vassals, who look to you for government, counsel, and guidance. Lord 3ohn— No more? What a fuss people make about the duties of the Colonial Office. However, here we seem to stop. Let us have some, refreshment. Your memory does you very grett credit, Mr. 8., and I am pleased to see how wellinformed you are. [They go out.]

Size and Objects of the Leviathan.— When we remind our readers that the Royal Albert line-of- battle ship, of 120 guns, is something under 4,000 tons, and about 220 feet in length ; and that the Simla and Himalaya, at present the largest steamers afloat, are only 320 feet in length, or thereabouts, they may form some idea of the proportions of the Eastern Steam Navigation Com* pany's ship, when they are told that it will be 680 feet in length, and of 25,000 tons burden ; in other words, of more than six times the capacity of our largest man-of-war, and about doable the length of the largest steamship afloat. Our readers will have frequently heard discussions at to the relative merits of paddles and screws. In the Leviathan, the screw will be combined with the paddle, worked by engines, nominally of 2,600 horse- power, but in reality capable of being worked up to 10,000 horse-power. To guard against accidents at sea to machinery, and to prtvent any detentions from such a cause, the paddle-wheels will not only be perfectly distinct from each other in their working, but each will be eet in motion by severs! sets of machinery of superabundant power, so that at all times derangements or cleaning of one or two cylinders or boilers will not interfere with the progress of the ship. Steam will be die sole propelling power, no canvas being contemplated in this vessel. In fixing the great siisa of the Leviathan, its projector believes that be has obtained the elements of a speed hitherto unknown in ocean-going steamers. It is confidently predicted that by the great length of the Leviathan she will be enabled to pass through the water at an average speed in all weathers of 1 5 knots an hoax, with a smaller power in proportion to tonnage than ordinary vessels now require to make 10 knots. The contract speed of most ocean mail carrying steamers is 8 knots. We believe that the Eastern Steam Navigation Company intend making their first voyage to Australia. The actual distance from Milford Haven, the company's starting-point, to Port Phillip, is less than 12,000 miles, if no ports be touched at. A speed of 15 knots or miles an hour averaged from to land would take the Leviathan to the golden colony in about 32 days. This can only be accomplished, even at that highspeed, by avoiding all stoppages for coals, which, besides detaining a ship many days in the different ports, carries her a great distance out of the direct steaming course. Here we find another novelty brought to bear by Mr. Brunei. A ship of this huge capacity can carry 12,000 tons of coals— quite sufficient, it is stated, for her consumption on the outward and homeward voyages. Space will still be left for 5,000 tons of cargo, the roasiive machinery, and 4,000 passengers, with their luggage and all necessary stores for use. Such is the Leviathan. She is to be launched, unlike any otfacr obip, broadside on to tbe water, by means of hydraulic power, and early in next spring ia expected to make a trial trip to the United Statei and back in less than a fortnight. In contemplating this Brobdignag vessel, our small acquaintance with things nautical dwarfs down to Lilliputian insignificance. Before reaching tbe Isle of Dogs we imagined that we possessed some acquaintance with shipbuilding and marine engineering. One of the Leviathan cylinders «M sufficient to extinguish our pretensions. With a Brunei for designer, with a Stephenson for approver, a Scott Russell for builder, with Professor Airey in charge of the compasses, and Sir W. S? Harris looking after the lightning conductors, the Leviathan may well be expected to turn out tbe floating marvel of the age. Fancy the astonishment of the South Sea Inlanders, when they behold her rushing past their coral homes. — Household Words. A Tight Fit.— A juaior returned a pair of trousers to bis tailor last week, because they were too email in the legs. " But you told me to make them as tight as your akin," said the tailor. " True," quoth the gent, " for I can ait down in my skin, but I'll be split if I can in these breeches f * | The Tailor caved in.— American paper* "Oh, Woman !" — Julius Ctesar Hannibal says : " Dey may rail against women at much as dey like, dey can't set me up against dem. I hab always in my life found dem to be fust in lub, fust in a quarrel, fust in de dance, and the fast, best, and de last in de aick room. What would we do widout dem ? Let us be born as ugly, and as helpless as we please, and a woman's arm am open to receibe us. She am it who gibs us our fust dose ob castor oil, and puts cloae 'pon our helplessly naked limbs, and cubbers up our foots and toeses in long flannel petticoats : and it am she, a* we grow up, fills our dinner basket wid dough nuts and apples as we start to skool, and licks us when we tears our trowsis."