Christmas Crackers

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume LXVI, 23 December 1933, Page 11

Christmas Crackers

What runs yet lias no feet?—Water. What nolieeman is never behind ? B 4. Which are the longest letters?—The Ells. Which are the poorest letters? —The Os. Why is a king like a book?—Because he has pages. Which are the noisiest letters?—-The J’s Which are the leguminous letters? — The Peas. Which are the greatest bores? —The Teas. Which are the most egotistical letters?—The I’s. Which are the most industrious letters? —The JJees. Which are the most extensive letters ? —the Seas. Which are the most fond of comfort? —The Ease. What is that which flies without wings?—An arrow. Why can the world never end ?—Because it is round. What is taken from you before you get it?—Your portrait. What is it you should always keep after giving?—Your word. What fish lights the way on a dark night?—A star fish. When do ladies resemble arrows?— When they are in a quiver. When are women fathers?—When they are “sighers” (sires). What bites sharper without teeth than with them?—Scissors. Describe a crack you will never see.— The crack of a whip. What is that which we. often return yet never borrow?—Thanks. What kind of servants are best for hotels?—lnn-experienced. When is a chimney like a chicken?— When it is a little foul. Why is a mouse like a hayrick? — Because the cat’ll (cattle) eat if. What style of hat is the easiest to wear? —That which is not felt. What would be the best remedy for a child in a fit?—Kid-reviver. What is the only pain of which everyone makes light?—A window pane. What is it that nobody wants, yet nobody likes to lose?—A lawsuit. Why is a dirty boy like flannels?— Because he shrinks from washing. Why is a tournament like sleep?— Because it's a knightly occupation. Why is sixpence like a stubborn don-

key?—Because it won’t carry you far. Why is an empty purse always the same?—Because there is no change in it. Why does a sailor long for a cruise?— Because he always anchors after it. If 32 degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point?—Two in the shade. Why is a duel a very brief affair?—lt takes only two seconds to arrange it. Why is the letter E like London?— Because it is the capital of England.. In what sense is a newly-born baby like a snowdrop?—ln no sense (innocence). To whom is the hater of his species invariably wedded?—To ' Mis An Thropy. Why is your nose in the middle of your face?—Because it’s the , centre (scenter). Which is the longest letter in the alphabet?—o, because there is no end to it.

Why is Sunday the strongest day?— Because all the others are “week” days. When may a laundress be considered to be starving?—When she (h)eats her iron. When does a judge contemplate employing rogues ? —When ho takes them on trial. Why is life like an umbrella? —Because it comes to a close . when the storm is over. Why is a fit of coughing or sneezing like Niagara Falls?—Because it’s a catarrh-act Why .is an unwelcome visitor like a shady tree?—We’re glad when he “leaves.” Why is a breakfast not a breakfast? —Because a person without it would “break” fast.

What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question ? Acquiescence. Why are tall people the laziest? —Because they are always longer in bed than others. What must always he expected when we paint our houses?—A brush w the painter. Is there a word in the English language which contains all {he vowels?— Unquestionably. How can eggs show their anger on being referred to as heggs?—By becoming eggsasperated. Wha't is the one-letter tree?—The Yew (U). —What is the two-letter tree? —The Ivy (I V). Why ought superstitious people to ho necessarily temperate ?—Because they are afraid of spirits. Mhy may Dutch people ho said to enter the world ready dressed ?—Because they are horn in Holland. Why is a lawyer’s mouth like a tollgate?—Because it is very seldom opened •except for money. Why cannot a deaf man be legally convicted ?—Because it is unlawful to condemn a man without a hearing. What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, and yet gave two to each of his children?—Parents. Why is a rooster on a fence like a half-penny?—Because the head is on one side and the tail on the other. Why is an “heir apparent” to a throne like an umbrella in dry weather?—Because lie’s ready for the next reign. Why are potatoes and wheat like the idols of old ? —Because they have eyes and see not, ears' have they and hear not. Why is the letter S likely to prove dangerous when used in an argument? —Because it turns “'words” into “swords.” What is the difference between a farmer and a dressmaker?—One gathers what he sows, and the other sews what she gathers. What is the difference between schoolboys and postage stamps?—One you lick with a stick; the other you stick with a lick.

How many young ladies will reach from London to Brighton, the distance being 50 miles?—Fifty; for a miss is as good as a mile. If a man bumped his head against the to]} of a room, with what article of stationery would ho lie supplied?— Ceiling whacks. Why is a beggar unlike a baker? — Because one needs his bread before he raises it. and the other raises it before he kneads it. Why do you think a gbissblower caK make a letfer of the alphabet gallop?— Because he can make, a D canter (decanter). What is the difference between the “bark” of a tree and the “hark” of a dog?—One is formed on the “bough and the other of the “bow wow.” What is the difference between a man who is too late for the train and a lady school-teacher? —One misses the train and the other trains the misses.