A WITTY LETTER

Nelson Evening Mail, Volume LIII, Issue 122, 24 May 1919, Page 7

A WITTY LETTER

ENGLISHMAN LN ; NEW YORK.

ROOT CLEANING AS HIGH ART,

C.W.D., who went to America as a | .member of Lord Reading’s personal staff, was subsequently set to work with I a desk at J. R, Morgan’s, Below are extracts from ft personal letter home ; it was printed in a “special American number” of ‘lmpressions,’ ft London periodical edited by <3. L. Whltehousc: Since the beginning of December I have been in New York attached to Sir Hardman Lever, K.G.8., Financial Secretary to the (British) Treasury hi fI.S.A. At Washington, while .Lord Reading was there in October, we worked all hours of the night; from the time of Lord Reading’s return to England until I came to New York I worked about one hour a day on the average; and since I have been in New Voric I have worked like a nigger, or, rather, like li-ll (because niggers don’t love work), and it gels worse every | day. When Lord Reading’ # returned here as Ambassador Extraordinary and \ Special High Commissioner’ (etc., and ; alt that sort of thing), I hoped to get | back to Washington oil his staff; I j wuuldn’ have minded, if it was only .to I clean, his boots, but that hope didn’t) materialise, and I expect to remain ih New York until 1950 or There are a lot of thundering gooi jokes .over” hero, .such a® skyscrapers | (which are beyond belief), barbers, and | boot cleaning. The latter is a complex | operation, taking about 15 minutes. No i one over here would clean ills own . bool* unless he was a low swino. Nig- | gers are too dignifid, even, to do such J a thing. Also, you don’t put your | boats outside a hotel or boarding-house bedroom door unless you arc desirous ■ of liaving them thrown into the dustbin (which is usually an incinerator), j No. Shoe, boot cleaning is an, art, ! performed only by professionals, it goes \ somewhat as follows (while writing this T have Wad my "boots cleaned ; that is how they do things over here, i especially in institutions like J. P. \ Morgan* and Go., where wo have our | office-, namely:— * 1. The dust is brushed off with j one brush. < . . , j 2. A strong-smelling oil is applied with another brush (circular). -Then there is, an , interval while the above processes are being applied to the second boot. ! 3. The first boot is dried by fan- f ning it with the third brush. 4. The oil is rubbed off with a , sponge. | 5. A liquid (light or dark as required) is applied (I am speaking of , brown, hoots. which arc all the rage) . with a fourth brush. . 5 6. Boot is polished with a cloth. ( 7. Polish from a tin is applied by j hand. , I 8. Boot is brushed till polished. ; 9. Boot is again polished with a cloth. 10. Processes 3 to 9 inclusive are performed on the other boot. The artist packs away his tools and picks up his box (I had almost said palette), surveying his handiwork with pride. 12. Artist graciously accepts 1U ; cents (5 pence). 13. Ditto beats it. (Departs; goes; ■ leaves; vamooses-. |

BARBER’S SOLEMN RITES.

Such is boot cleaning. But shaving i,s considerably more so. And hair cutting! .... Shaving only takes a quarter of nil hour if you ask for a , special quick English once over ; but | hair cutting, at top gear, cannot be : ■‘gotten” through under half an hour. Everybody (except low foreigners like nivself) has his neck shaved to the shoulder as ancillary to the hair-cutting process. I defeat them by keeping my , collar on. , , , . , j American- ‘bustle, not to be defeated >, (though it is heavily engaged, believe j me, by these interminable rites), causes j •its devotees to have one- hand nirjncuicd by one charming 'damsel on one side - and the other hand dittoed by another I ditto ditto on the other side, while a | nigger or half-caste gives the patient s ( boots a shine. Thus numerous birds are killed - .with but a single stone. { The slang here is brilliant. I still j talk English myself, simply ’ ’because( I haven’t got the brains- to* acquire the American tongue. Mon Dieu as the • Gentle B. would not say), but tins isw ! nation, of fertile wit! They neft only > have kewed slang expressions for every. | thing under the sun, but daily invent a thousand pew ones. If a gentleman says 1 tt Sc6' tlioicl (tlui’d) oH'scin'cnt dancing with the shavetail over there.” he ■’would mean to direct your atten- , lion to the stoutness of the dancing , partner of the young and experienced ; Second Lieutenant Loot) indicated. . . } But instead of saying dancing he ; would probably say “throwing the boot.” / , .. j I forgot to tell you above that u 5 you escape the manicures and tbe boot artists your shave costs you 15 cents plus 10 cents tip for the shaviey (? sliavist. shavester) and 5 cents tip for the altruist who helps s you on with your coat —total Is 3d. Hair cutting, 40 cents- total (approximately), 2s ,3|d. So, if you have both, you could . not buy a battleship with’ the change out of a dollar. . —1