CERTIFICATE OF FITNESS —FOR WHAT?

Northern Advocate, 23 July 1938, Page 11

CERTIFICATE OF FITNESS —FOR WHAT?

The Inside Story

QUITE a number of ir.y most influential friends—that is, those to whom I dip my lights and my hard knocker—fell into the arms of the law this week because they were not in possession of a certificate of fitness. Now' visiting Northland there is a man from Uganda, who is greatly puzzled as to what this certificate really implies. * * * Me J-JE started off on a sociological key. believing that certificates of this nature had something to do with class distinction, that they were akin to marriage lines, or certificates of proficiency, or something of that nature. People had been certified insane, he knew, and there were also certificates entitling the use of an alphabet after one's name, or the building of houses, or the pulling of teeth. Leaving Uganda to escape the odoriferous at-

i 1 V*y The Private D.

mosphere of cigar smoke and bay rum exuded by pukka sahibs carrying the White Man’s Burden (on £SOOO per annum, with allowances and full pension), he thought that New Zealand would rue the day it introduced certification of this character. *J: * f.i jji JfEXT, the stranger from Equatorial Africa wanted to know whether our own pet certificate signified that a person was fit enough to play in the All Blacks, or be a family man, - or move in the best society, or sing in public? Did it have anything to do with drinking capacity, the ability to dodge creditors, or to keep straight on the golf links—the latter a very difficult thing assuredly after ploughing through casual water on the 19th? Most rigid examinations would bo necessary before any board of examiners would affix their signatures to a certificate denoting fitness in any of these spheres. * * ♦ * JNFORMED that he was still off the scent, the bewildered one hazarded the guess that perhaps “fitness” denoted something of an even more personal nature. Did it imply physical perfection, the ability to rend a cooked ox in two with naked hands, to be a haka dancer at a Maori hui, or to be a consistent drawer of water and a hewer of kindling wood? Was it something the family doctor awarded after immunity from the measles or the flu had been proven? * * * * JJAVING realised already that New Zealand is probably the most overgoverned country in the- world, the stranger thought that the certificate in question might indicate fitness for membership of a trade union, fitness to seek employment or to draw the dole. Perhaps it was linked up with National Health Insurance, and signified that after calling the panel doctor half-a-dozen times in the week for illnesses ranging in magnitude from a sore toe to mud in the eye, the holder had been given a certificate of immunity to the effect that he was net to trouble the State medico for some time to come. As a check to hypocondriacs in this manner, the inquisitive one considered there might be some virtue in a certification of fitness. JpOR such persistent questing, to pull up in a commonplace garage was quite disheartening to our visitor. I had to inform him that the certificate

implxec merely thav all was well with Lizzie’s insides, that she did not have knocks at the knee or elsewhere, and that she knew when to apply the brakes and keep off the bike; in short, that a motor car was fit to venture out cn the reads without endangering anything but the pocket of the owner, * r.c * » npHE member of the Parakao branch of the National Party who prepared the following billboard, now being displayed at various vantage points along the main highway, is at least original. It reads: — National Party, Parakao Branch. A GUARANTEED DANCE AT A COMPENSATED’PRICE. to be held in the Parakao Hall on Tuesday, 26th July. BRING YOUR DANCING PUMPS. NOT YOUR RUNNING SHOES! A GRAND SHOW—NOW THEN. TAX 2/-. ■ LET THE MORTGAGEE WAIT! The perpetrator of this unique advertisement must beware lest he make himself liable for censorship or payment of amusement tax. * * * • of a recession which is stated by American and other authorities to be qpproaching were net lacking at Rugby Park on Saturday, when, in addition to the large attendance of paying guests, a number of spectators followed play from the free grandstand of the railway line. Among those who regaled themselves with a feast of free football were noticed one or two referees and several representative players. Rail sitters indeed! ♦ * * it QATCHING things is the order of July. Usually it’s a cold, or wet feet, or bad temper,' or frosted fingers, or shivers up the spine; more usually than not, all of these put together. So catching is a bad temper that it is astounding to think we are not bent down with grouse and grumble. Yestermorn a friend swore before the shaving glass that he wouldn’t mention the cold. He determined to make belibve the frost was sweltering sea-sand, the biting cold a wiltering zephyr. no; in every mouth he saw framed words of chilly bitterness, and by lunch time, he, too, had succumbedHo the halting words: “How; cold it is.!’ Tis said the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and so I suppose this would-be heated auto-suggester will find a place in his imagined summery abode. 1 * * » * ,jr pHE recent picture of babies in boxes and prams in milking sheds inspired “Jim the Milker” to indite the following: “The boss’s wife and I were conversing on the rising costs of prams and boxes, and that gave us the answer why Alderney and Durham left the farm for public works. Before they themselves could talk the cockies’ English, their bovine education began in the shed with Strawberry’s “Moo,” while William, the (Father cow, was continually crying “I wonder.” The ram said, “What are you wondering at?” Quoth William: “I don’t know.” Then the rooster, with his merry morning chortle, raised the din, while the drake gave an assurance that it was “quite right” for infants to learn the sounds of the farm so young. Now, as a guarantee of good faith, the boss’s wife' assures me that I am qualified to attach my own degree, the L.J.E. (lacteal juice extractor), the patronomic B.A.A. of the calves, and the L.L.B. (the long, lowing bawl of the bulls).”