HORNS AND TRUMPETS TO BE MUFFLED

Northern Advocate, 16 July 1938, Page 1 (Supplement)

HORNS AND TRUMPETS TO BE MUFFLED

Gy The Private D.

The Inside Story

FOR those of us who have laid abed within twenty yards of a busy main highway, fighting the flu germs and the German measles, the pronouncement made by the dictator of transport, ordering suppression of horns, has come like a soothing melody. Will the next step towards a less rowdy existence be the stifling of bagpipes, the muzzling of canine howls, the falling of the curtain on the cat concert or the control by inspectors of the music of the nursery? If Mr Semple is leading a crusade against noisiness, those of us who listen into Parliament or attend political meet-

ings would be relieved also if he could curb the equally hideous interruptions levelled at the aspiringly eloquent. The diminuendo of the horn, it is stated, will make»our roads safer for users, but curbing of the unintelligent interjector, taking his sporting ethics from the environment of the wrestling ring rather than from the playing fields of Eton, would tend to make New Zealand safer for democracy. ♦ * * * blowing, too, is practised by many of our politicians, even some of those in the cabinet car, and it will be interesting to see whether the Government, now it has triumphed over the problem of the machine, will next become introspective and apply the same regulations to some of its own speakers. No doubt when the new traffic restrictions become operative, Mr Taxpayer will be summoned every now and then for blowing his horn in the public streets, but why should the scope of the musical offence be confined to the broad highway? It would be intriguing to see some of our more loquacious Parliamentarians arrainged before the bar of justice for blowing their trumpets in halls, at street corners and other public places where the noise they make is calculated to impose just as much injury upon the finer susceptibilities and the pockets of our people.

* « • * N ow that the musical accompaniment has gone, motor driving will be a still more tedious business. In what alternative manner can the possessor of a 20 horse-power limousine attract attention to the fine lines of his vehicle, or what compensation is offered to the sports model driver, now deprived of the opportunity of delivering a staccato ultimatum to all and sundry on the n>rrow highway? Such moments of brief authority, of catching the public’s ear, so to speak, will be no more. What with His Majesty the Baby and his perambulator holding up the Ford family at

pedestrian crossings, and the greater indignity still, of the school safety zones, across which youngsters strut at will while the motors wait —the lot of the motorist, now deprived even of his voice, will be most tyreing. » • • » .\yHEN breaking into verse last week, the “Private D” promised that he would not further afflict his readers with metres —gas or otherwise—but that as an antidote to longhaired a-musing, he would order a heavy course of Douglas Social Credit. To secure food for higher thought along these lines, he closeted himself with several local professors, whose lucid expositions of sun-dried theorems left him in that unhappy state sometimes engendered by alcohol in men of less capacity. A plus B led to an infinity of mental manipulation until the brain cells, .overpowered by a superfluity of unusual activity, plunged the unfortunate “D” into a condition demanding institutional surveillance. RESPITE numerous applications of Keating’s powder, the Social Credit bug continued to nibble at his heart strings, with the result that he eventually sought relief by writing to Alberta to find out really what it was all about. In the meantime, while awaiting an accredited reply (for which £1 in alluvial gold was forwarded), he amused himself by the compilation, of the following., which he recommends as a better cure for insomnia than counting spring lambs. It is entitled, “Who Ate the Most Apples—Adam ov Eve?” and is dedicated to mathematical geniuses, horticulturists, dieticians and the promoters of the “Eat More Fruit” campaign.

Eve 81 (ate one), and Adam 812 (ate one too); Eve 8140-ness (ate one for naughtiness), and Adam 8142 to just beat Eve; Eve 81440-tude (fortitude), and Adam 812424-run Eve; Then Eve 8124240-fy her position, and Adam not 40812424-most be (not for nought ate one too for to foremost be); Then Eve not 402814210-tatively (not for nought too ate one for to ten-tatively) lead again. This had Adam thinking. He 80 (ate nought) more, for he couldn’t bend, So he added 40,80,21 end (for nought, “ate nought,” to one end). Making his s.core 40,812424,408021. Eve being now well back in the race. Resorted to cunning to capture first place; Since Adam by trickery had lengthened his score, Eve wrote 4102 (for one ought to), both behind and before, Thus showing a score of 41024,028142,104102. Where they really finished I cannot tell, •Their “figures,” like these, began to swell; If their apples were like cucumbers for eating, I guess they found those apples “repeating”: And if the apples they ate repeated inside ’em, ’Twould be 8888 ... ad infinitum.