FUN AND FANCY

Northern Advocate, 17 September 1927, Page 7

FUN AND FANCY

CURRENT HUMOUR

HIS FIRST MILLION. Millionaire (to beggar): “Clear off, quick!’ ’ Beggar: “Not so fast, mister. Look 'ere, the only difference ’tween you and me is that you are makin’ your second million -tfttile I am still working on my first.” « ♦ • • never heard IT. He: “I’ve got a fine story to tell you. I don’t think I ever told it to you before.” She: “Is it really a fine story?” He: “Ob, yes; a fine one.” She (wearily): “Then you hayen’t told It me before. ’ ’ ••’ • * SECRET OP SUCCESS. Young M.D.: “Whaf is the secret of your success?” Old M.D.: “I make it a rule to find out what a patient w-ants to do, then I order him to do it,” « * • * POLITICIAN’S DUTY. “What do you regard as the highest duty of a statesman?” Senator Sorghum, of the Washington Star was asked. “To serve his country,” answered the senator, “and, incidentally, to keep getting re-elected so that his country will not lose the benefit of his services.” • • • * PRE-WAR STUFF. “Can you help me with my arithmetic lesson, Daddy? The first problem is: ‘A carpenter was paid three dollars a day and ’ ” ‘.‘That sounds mofe like ancient history than arithmetic.” • V • « CURT. The woman who was standing before the counter in the bank was getting restless. She had been standing in front of the cashier for a quarter of an hour, and he seemed to be unaware of her presence—at any rate, he took no notice of her. At last she beeame too irritated to keep quiet another moment, “Why don’t you pay attention to me?” “I’m sorry, madam, but we don’t pay anytMifg here,” was the short but polite reply. “Next window, please.” • • • « WONDERFUL. He had been dining too well with a friend who prided himself on the possession o'f a small art gallery. After dinner they adjourned to the art gallery, and the friend pointed out a landscape and asked—“Well, what do you think of that? Isn’t it fine?” - The answer came rather unsteadr “ ’S beautiful, old chap—-very fine —awf’lly good! The trees wave 'bout so na’shally. ” • • KNEW HIS ONIONS. “Do you believe in the survival of the fittest?” “I don’t believe in the survival of anybody. I am an undertaker.” • • ft ft WHAT SHE WOULD DO. “Oh, if only for just two hours I could be a man like you-1’ “Why, what would you do?” “I should buy a beautiful pearl necklace for my little wife.” ♦ • • • Doctor: “Glad to see your husband has given up smoking. It takes a very strong will to do that.’ Mrs Hefty: “Yes, I have a strong will.” • ♦ • « A dramatist was talking to a critic about himself and his work and his aims and all the rest of it. “I have had,” he said, “a whole crowd of imitators.” “Yes,” said the critic, “especially beforehand.” » « « » She was being shown round a locomotive works. “This,” said her guide, “is an engine-boiler.” She was an up-to-date young lady and at once beeame interested, “Why,” she asked sweetly, “why do they boil engines?” Came the unexpected reply—“To make the engine tender.” e • • • “Sir, I -would like to marry your daughter.” “What’s your occupation?” “Wirelessannouncer.” “Take her. You’re the first young fellow hanging round here who ever said ‘Good night,’ and meant it.” « * • • “Are you really content to spend your life walking around the country begging?” “No, lady,” answered Weary Willie. “Many’s the time I've wished I hud a motor-bike.”