THE FRUMP.

Northern Advocate, 28 January 1922, Page 2

THE FRUMP.

NOT WITHOUT HOP]]

(By '• A PLAIN WOMAN" in the

Melbourne '' Ago

I lam "Miuiii. Heaven itself only knows what a world of humiliation, of wounded pride, of bitter regret, and of greeneyed envy is embodied in the statement. A few woman are plain and do not know it. They axe thererore entirely self-sat islied and happy, like the conceited felluw wlio is au ass featherheaded chit, whose nose is .o(i7 inch shorter than your own, playing the social queen to your own absolute neglect. Lamb said of the high-souled Airs Conrady, whom nobody asked to sit tor her portrait, that "a sight of her face was an era in your existence." She had certain good features, like the writer, but that was her greatest misfortune. As her biographer says. "If you are plain it is better to be plain all over than amidst a tolerable residue of features to hang out one that shall be exceptionable."

I am bankrupt only in my fae?. I " have a pair of calves and ankles like ; a celluloid doll; my waist is French; my bust is rounded perfection; my shoulders those of the Venus of Milo; my : c; triage a model of grace and supplei ess. Every man short of senility who walks behind me on the Block quickened his pace to overtake me, and take a side glance into my face as he passed. As soon as he saw my countenance he seemed to gasp, "Oh, Heavens!" and to stagger. Then he turned into the nearest bar for a brandy and soda. Early in womanhood it appeared certain that the salons of beauty and social joy were not the places for me. My one faithful chum tried to encourage nio. "Have your fun," she advised, "like everybody else. Try Christian Science as a pick-me-up. That will teach you to believe you arc a Lily Longtry, and that if you believe you <ire good-looking —well, you arc goollooking." "At any rate, dear," she added after a pause, "remember what l'ope says — There swims no goose so grey but soon or late She finds some honest gander for a mate. "No, Belle," I said, "I know my failings. In spite of Charles Lamb and ivy own opinions, 1 shall prove that handsome is as handsome does. What fuller or better life can there be than to engage in the social uplift, to put the intellect before pastime and folly, to help to solve the groat problems that afflict cur country, to take an active part in all those movements ("which promote public spirit and social magnanimity: Jly mind is made up. I shall join the Woman's National League in the moraing.'' Tho appearance of a plain woman fit a meeting of the National League croated something in the nature of a sensation. When I rose to second a motion I heard a free whispering behind fans, and noticed a certain amount of nuJg-

ing. As I sat down I thought, I honr.l ) cue matron whisper to her neighbour, "Quite impossible, clear; if we neglect our reputation for good looks, how can we expect gentlemen like Mr Watt to come and address us?" Next week I changed to a local branch of the Housewives' Association. Ma-(,'unna-like features seemed to be the cadge of entry there also. There was more whispering and frowning. When I was busy making suggestions I overheard one lady say to another "-Fancy sending her to buy our things. They'd charge her double." "How de do dee how old girl 1 ?" said Belle, bouncing into my flat, "how the uplift?" "Ran a bad last at the league," I answered, "and off the course at the Housewives- Disqualfied for both." Belle became pensive. She was evidently worried. "It only remains for me," I ventured, "to elevate the working classes by joining the woman's branch of Labour."

Belle uttered a startled exclamation. '•Have you gone mad?" slio asked. "No. Why?" "Why? If you cannot pace it with tlie elderly beauties of the National League how in the name of fortune are you to hold your own in the field with, the young ones of Labour? They will exhibit you as a shocking example ol ! what happens to people through Hard work." Belle thought for a long time and thought hard. At length she started, as if with a sudden inspiration, "How about the church.'" she asked; "you'll at home there. What do you say to being the beauty of some nice suburban choir? There's no knowing; you might even catch a curate." "No chance," I said. "There is nothing for it but a sweeping change ol' policy. If you are a plain woman and aiso strictly modest and proprie*ou3 your're a rank outsider; but if your re plain and not too demure you come into the betting at once and may even

become a favourite. I was reading tins morning in the ' Connoisseur' —one ot the literary journals published at the same time as Johnson's 'Rambler-' and Addison's 'Spectator'—an account of a feminine society known as 'the DemiReps.' The members were all 'lioneurables' and occupied a position, a? :L" says, 'half-way between modest women and the ladies of pleasure.' l'v> decided to become a Demi-Rcp." Belle objected almost, fiercely; bur it was of no use. I bobbed my ha'i". 1 bobbed my skirts. I got a pair of giddy silk hose that shrieked for recognition with a nobby little pair of shoes that made you walk with a winsome wriggle in order to keep your balance. I had the dress material cut right away from the neck and shoulders. Fully equipped to give the glad eve, I set forth to stun creation. I had not reached the Block before I met an exceptionally handsome gentleman of my acquaintance, who was ju;*t stepping out of his motor-car. "Great Scot, Virtue!" he exclaimed, "what's

the meaning of this"? What's bccomo ofi" your nice clothes? I don't like you ili those tilings a bit. Here, jump intdthe car. "We'll go for a run and ialK it over." When we came hack after a joyous spin we wore engaged and a few monthfi. Lner we were married.

The cynical beauty may' say on readying this that it is always the frights who catch the 'handsome, well-to-do■ men. But I write this as a lesson to ray] plain sisters to keep up their hearts. Let them not be too self-consciou3 ortoo ready to admit their defects. Thonumber of decent blind men in thoworld are amazing. To quote Pope , 9 r couplet again — "There swims no goose so grey Dut soon cfr late She finds some honest gander for Si' mate."