EPIGRAMS.

Northern Advocate, 19 December 1919, Page 3

EPIGRAMS.

BOOK OF NEVERS, IFS AND

DON'TS

Mr Seymour Hicks has published "If I Were Your Father," a "brilliant collect of epigrams" which he dedicates to "some beautiful women I never hear of."

We quote the following:— If you hav e money enough, you can get enough.

Always conclude a bargain in writing. The pen is mightier than the word.

When you are signing a contract always look for the "if" in it. It is not an unwise thing to hold up the document to the light. You will probably find it in the water-mark.

It is always better to do your business yourself, for the sins of the agent are invariably of omission and commission. Never forget that the man with three-pence is far happier than the man with sixpence who wants a shilling. Never seek to add a handle to the nam e your father gave you. Most men are knighted only for their extinguished services. Never object to being laughed at by your friends. Chaff is the income tax of popularity.

Never wear spectacles in a friend's house. It is the privilege of a guest to be blind.

Only a genius can sparkle on water, and if he is one. he doesn't try to.

Stalk but don't talk! Do not waste time with those who wear gold ornaments at their middle on watered silk ribbons.

It is surprising how similar all men are when their bedroom doors are closed. Many a good fellow is brought up at a public school, but many a better has been brought, up at Bow Street. Racing is the other man's business, and you have no right to expect him to tell you to help yourself. Though no doubt most singers should be heard and not seen, it is difficult to understand why most actors delight in being seen and not heard. Never forget that although you have to pay 10/6 to see an actor make an ass of himself, he can see you doing the same thing for nothing—by looking through a hole in the curtain. If in doubt don't be indulgent at a music-hall. It is so easy for one bad turn to make you deserve another. No one abhors money-lenders more than a good Jew No one has any use for them but a foolish Christian. You will find that the financial year of most of your friends ends every day.

No man living, I think, knows more about women than I do > and I know nothing.

It is unfair to blame your lady until you have found her out to be as big a liar as you are yourself.

I would urge you never to compete with a rich man for a beautiful woman. You will be chequemated

every time

It's men like us who make most women what they're not.

Most men can learn anything. It is the clever man who knows what to learn.

There is nothing so difficult for a woman to look a year younger than

her face,

No sane man should take a marriage encore. Once married—twice fly.