HUMOUR

Manawatu Times, Volume 62, Issue 132, 5 June 1937, Page 11

HUMOUR

Mr* Jones was giving a children’s party. And she invited Billy Thomas. Now, Billy Thomas, aged eight, had a reputation for rather lurid language. So his father approached Mrs Jones to warn her. “Mrs Jones/ ’ said Mr Thomas, “if Billy uses one bad word, send him home. I've warned Billy, and if he arrives home before nine o’clock I’ll know what has happened.” Billy went to the party ... but Billy came home at half-past six. Mr Thomas took one look at the boy’s sorrowful face, and decided on drastic punishment. “Billy!" 4 ‘Yes, dad?" “Bring me my strap!” “But, dad ” “Bring me my strap!" “But, dad, the blanketty party’s been put off till next week! ” ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ The new vicar was surprised as he entered the vestry to see the verger, who was counting the collection, take half a crown from the plate and put it in his pocket. The remonstrance which seemed imminent was checked by the ready explanation: “That's the half crown, sir, that I’ve led off with these thirty years and more."

Matched It was luring a big sale, and tempers were getting frayed. “If I were trying to match politeness,” said one customer, glaring hard at an assistant, “I’d have a job to And it here." The assistant was equal to the occasion. “Let me see your sample, madam," the said. ♦ ♦ ❖ ♦ Cured A doctor, whoso medical skill exceeded the clarity of his handwriting, sent an invitation to a patient to spend an evening with him, adding that there would be music, cards, and so on. The friend failed to turn up, and sent no explanation. When they met the following day the doctor asked whether he had received the note. “Yes, thank you," replied the other. “I took it to the chemist and had it made up, and I feel much better already.’ * A Negro* was *rouglit a magistrate on a charge of theft. He was asked, “How do you plead 1” The Negro said: “I pleads guilty and waives the hearing." “What do you mean, “Waive the hearing’!" “I means I don’t wanta heah no mo’ about it."

No Favours A soldier on manoeuvres was posted as a sentry at an oqtpost on a bitterly cold night. “Halt! Who goes thereT" he shouted, very fed up with life. "Oh! I’m the Army Chaplain,” came the reply from the darkness. “I don’t care if you're Charlie Chaplin—come forward and be recognized." ❖ <3> ❖ V On the Trail A man lost a valuable dog, and advertised in a newspaper, offering a substantial reward, but got no replies, lie cal Ted at the office. 4, 1 want to see the advertising manager," he said. “He’s out, said the office-boy. “Well, hi* assistant." “He’a out, too, sir." “Well, I’ll see the chief reporter." “He's out, sir." “Great Scott! Is everybody outt" <4 Yes—they're all looking for your dog." ♦ ♦ ♦ Cruel “How do you like my compositions, professor!" asked tho young composer, eagerly. “I think they may be played when Chopin, Brahms, Liszt and the others are forgotten. ” “Really!" “Yes. But not till then!"