THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LIX, Issue 7493, 18 June 1934, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Topio of Discussion— “Briggs is the most talked of man in town.” “Who talks about him?” “Briggs.” «■ w * * Unfounded.— lt was during the autumn sales, when tempers were getting rather frayed. “If I were trying to match politeness,” said the angry woman customer, glaring hard at the shop assistant, “I’d have a job to find it here.” The assistant was equal to the occasion: “Let me see your sample, madam,” she said. * * * Slow!— Wife: John, the clock fell off the wall, and if had been a minute sooner it would have hit poor mother! Hubby: There, I always said that clock was slow. * * * Universal. —“Did my medicine do any good?” “A wonderful remedy, doctor. I took three spoonfuls and my cough went; I rubbed three spoonfuls into my knee for rheumatism, and the rest we used to clean the silver.” ■:i * -* The Wrong Proportions. —Tommy had had three pieces of cake and wanted more. “Do you know,” asked his mother, “what happened to the little boy who ate too much cake? He went off bang!” “That wasn’t because he ate too much cake,” said Tommy. “That was because there wasn’t enough boy.” # Familiar.—George: What do you think of the engagement ring I gave your daughter, sir? Daughter’s Parent: Rather nice. “Did her friends admire it?” “They did more than that; three of them recognised it!” * *• * A Bluff Called—“ What’s the fare?” inquired the woman of the taxidriver as the conveyance stopped at her destination. “Three-and-six, Mum,” was the prompt reply. “Well, here’s half-a-crown, my man. I’m not such a fool as I look.” “No,” said the driver; “I wish you were, Mum!”

Good Then.—They were waiting on the platform for the morning train. “By the way,” said Roberts thoughtfully, “Jack wants to borrow fifteen pounds from me. Is he good for that amount?” “Yes, I think so.” returned his friend, “with proper securities, of course.” “What securities would you suggest?” asked Roberts. His friend laughed bitterly. “A watchdog, a pair of handcuffs, and a couple of smart Scotland Yard men,” he said. vr * '*•* His Fault.—The young man strode into the newspaper office and banged his cane on the editor’s dask. “Where’s the editor?” he shouted. “He—he’s out,” replied the clerk nervously. “What’s he done this time?” “In that advertisement for_ my valveless motor,” stormed the visitor, “he’s turned the second V into a ‘u’.” No Use at All.—“ Did you 'ear that Mrs Jones won a vacuum cleaner in a competition?” “No; did she?” “Yes, but she says it ain’t no good to ’er. She ain’t got no vacuums.” •3f vr v£ Nothing on Him.—“ What qualifications are required to make a successful card-player dear?” asked Mrs Brown. „ , “Well, it’s difficult to say, replied her husband. “A man must be cool, calculating, crafty, cunning, and have a touch of meanness in his disposition.” “Oh, John!” exclaimed his wife. “Surely you wouldn’t play cards with such horrid people!” “That’s all right,” the husband answered proudly, “I nearly always win.” * : k The Reason.—“l’m sorry I couldn’t keep that luncheon engagement with you. However, circumstances over which I have no control kept me away.” “Yes, yes. By the way, how is your wife?” * * * , Conceited.—“lt doesn’t take much to make some people conceited.” “What’s up now?” “Why, since the village blacksmith learned to mend motor-cars he calls himself a black-smythe.” * * * A Good Reason.—Mother: Why do you always bother your father to blow up your balloons? Tommy: Because if he bursts it he buys me another. * * * Economical.—Employer: Do you believe in love at first sight, Miss Smythe? Typist: Well, I think it saves a lot of time.

Well Named.— He: Why do you call me “Pilgrim”? She: Because every time you call you make a little progress! * *• * Not Cricket.— “Ma, teacher’s awful mean.” “Hush, my son; you mustn’t say that ! “Well, she is! She asked for my knife to sharpen my pencil to give me a bad mark!” * * # No Difference— An Irish small farmer was asked by his landlord if the report of his intended second marriage were true, and replied: It is, yer honnor. “But your first wife has only been dead a week, Pat,” said the landlord. “An’ shure,” retorted Pat, “She’s as dead now as she ever will be, yer honnor.” ■Jr Jr 4!!* Exercise. —Jones came back from his holiday proud of his bulging muscles. “Look at these arms,” he said. They were certainly in good condition. His colleagues put it down to rowing, but Jones withered them with scorn. “Rowing be blowed!” he snorted. “I got them pulling up fish.” ■X* -X* vc* Strategy.—“l must see your husband,” snapped the rent collector to the lady who opened the door. “Is he at home?” “No,” said the woman, “he’s not.” “But I can see his shadow,” he exclaimed. “Yes, that may be so,” was the blushing reply, “but you see that’s my next husband. The husband you want is ‘doing time’ for blacking the, eyes of your guv’nor when he called last week.” A Lesson.—“ Economy,” said the dejected Mr Brown, “has taught me a lesson By denying myself cinemas, tobacco and beer for the last 10 years I have saved nearly £400.” “What are you going to do with the money?” asked the neighbour. Brown shook his head sadly. "I’m afraid I won’t have to decide that question,” he replied, _ “the company I invested it in has failed.”

•:f * * • Easier to Meet.—Husband: I don’t see why you have accounts in so many different shops. Wife: Because, my dear, it makes the bills so much smaller. ■» -x- * Omniscient.—“ Are you really a mindreader?” “Yes.” “Then I hope you aren’t offended. I didn’t mean what I thought about you.” •» •* Not His Darling.—Jones, in response to the tinkling of the telephone, lifted the receiver. “Is that you, darling?” he asked sweetly. A harsh voice at the other end replied: “No, it’s not; it’s your wife!” * -x- * No Excuse.—Male Straphanger: Madam, you are standing on my foot. Female Ditto: I beg your pardon. I thought it belonged to the man sitting down. Mutual.—Mrs Firmface: John, hope I didn’t sec you smiling at that girl? Mr Firmface: I hope you didn’t my dear! : t: # # Effective Then—“My wife is prolonging her visit. I need her at home, but it seems useless to write suggesting that she return.” “Get one of the neighbours to suggest it, my boy.” * * * Really Lost.—First Tramp: Lost half-a-crown this morning, Bill. Second Tramp: Hole in yer pocket? First Tramp: No; the man wot dropped it heard it fall. # * * Cheeky.—Ailsa: Marion is always borrowing my powder-puff. Bertha: She must have a lot of cheek. * * * Adverbial—Plump Girl: Mother says I’m growing beautiful. Young Man: You mean beautifully, don’t you? * * * The Only Way Out.—Jealous Fiance: Why didn’t you introduce that fellow to me? Girl: Dearest. I couldn’t. I’ve forgotten his name. “Then why did you call him ‘darling’?” “I’ve just told you, my sweet—l’ve forgotten his name.’” ■?r vr Quite Sufficient. —Counsel to convicted client): Sorry, couldn’t do any more for you. Wrathful Client: Blimey, ain’t 10 years enough? The Real One. —Marsh: Here’s one name on the committee that I never heard of. Webster: Oh, that’s probably the man who doe 3 the work.