THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LIV, Issue 7299, 28 October 1933, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Riposte. —Mr Brown (burrowing in a bureau drawer): I never can find anything I want in this house. Mrs Brown: Yes, you can, dear. You can always find something to growl about: * w * The Difference —Teacher: "Can you tell me the difference between caution and cowardice? Sammy: Yes, ma’am. When you’re afraid yourself, then that’s caution, but when the other fellow’s afraid, that’s cowardice. * * * Safety In Honesty.— Prison Chaplain (to prisoner about to be discharged): Now, my man, try to remember what I said in my sermon last Sunday, and make up your mind never to return to this place. Prisoner (deeply moved): Guv’nor, no man who ever ’eard you preach that sermon would want to come back ’ere again. -x- # •» Had Enough. —Mrs Nagg: I suppose now you wish you were free to marry again? Mr Nagg: No, just free. ■» * Inexplicable.— The motorists had driven a weary road in Ireland. Presently they asked Pat, who was working at the roadside: "How far to Lahinch?’’ “Ye’re half-way, faith.” "Half-way from where?” “From here.” * # *• Servility Not Sarcasm. —Magistrate: The traffic policeman says you got sarcastic with him. Mr Nagger: I didn’t intend to be. He talked to me like my wife does, and I forgot myself and answered, “Yes, my dear.” The Marital Argument. —"l wonder what would happen if you and I ever agreed? “I’d be wrong.” * * ■siAnybody Can.- —The class was having its weekly talk on painting, and teacher said, “Sir Joshua Reynolds was able, with a single stroke of his brush, to change a smiling face into a frowning one.” “That’s nothing,” muttered little Jimmy, “my maw can do that.” Thoughtless.—An old Scotswoman had put herself to considerable inconvenience of going a few miles on foot to see a sick friend. She learned on her arrival that the alarming symptoms had subsided. “An hoo are ye the day, Mrs Crawford?” she inquired in breathless anxiety. “Or, I’m quite weel noo, thank ye, Mrs Groser,” was the reply.

“Quite weel?” exclaimed the breathless visitor indignantly ."Quite weel —after me cornin’ sae far tae see ye?”

Kindness.— Beggar: Madam, I have not seen a piece of meat for weeks. Lady: Mary, show the poor man a mutton chop. * « w Go Elsewhere.— He: This Is a fine floor. She: Then why dance on my feet? # * # Their Own Witness— A little boy had taken his mother’s powder puff, and was in the act of powdering his face, when his small sister, aged five, snatched it from him. “You mustn’t do that!” she exclaimed. "Only ladies use powder. Gentlemen wash themselves.” * * * By the Clock. —“How do you manage to keep so fit, old man?” “I take a miniature bath every morning.” “A miniature bath?” “Yes, a cold one. One minute you’re in and the next minute you’re out.” * •» * A Hard Job—An Aberdonian went to a Glasgow football match. On his return a friend asked: "An’ did they ha'e a big gate?” “Big gate, did ye say?” queried the traveller. “Big gate? It was easily the biggest I’ve ever climbed over.” & Nothing Further.— A group of pilots was buzzing about something or other as the flight commander approached, and several times he caught the expression, “the last word in aeroplanes.” “Well,” he said as he reached the group, “what is the last word in aeroplanes?" “Jump!” * * * Good or Bad?—Wife: How did you get into this state? Hubby: Bad company, m’dear. “What do you mean by bad company?” “Well, there were five of us to one bottle of whisky, and the other four were teetotallers.” # # # First Hand.—“ Only those who have been aroused from sleep on board ship by the terrible cry ‘Man overboard!”’ said the lecturer, “can fully realise its terrible meaning.” "That’s not right,” interjected a little man in the audience. “I heard it once, when I was not aboard ship, and I realised it more than anybody!” “You couldn’t!” “Oh, yes, I could,” persisted the little man. ’“I was the ono who was overboard ! ” The Cynic.—“ What have you been doing, Edward?” “A clever wife never asks what her husband has been doing.” “But a clever man may ask if his wife—” “Oh, my dear, a clever man never ’has a wife.”

More Useful. —“ Now, if I were only an ostrich,” said a husband at the breakfast table as he picked up one of his wife’s rolls, “I—” “Yes,” interrupted his patient better half, “then I might get a few feathers for that old hat I’ve worn for three winters!” An Empty Well. —“Uncle, don’t you think it would be rather foolish for me to marry a girl who was intellectually my inferior?” “Worse than foolish, Thomas, my lad,” was the reply, "worse than foolish—impossible!” * *■ * Ingrained. —Father had , his little daughter on his knee^ “What are you going to do when you grow up?” he asked her. “I’m going to marry an engineer,” she replied. “And what kind?” he asked. “A civil engineer?” “Oh,” replied the little girl, “it does not matter what kind. I’ll soon make him civil.” *- «• * Difference Between Pigs.—“l say, Pat,” said the farmer to an Irishman who was passing, “did you see anything of a stray pig down the road?” “Shure, now,” replied the son of Erin, “an’ how 'would Oi be afther knowin’ a sthray pig from onny other pig?” -x- -x- -X Offensive.—A donkey, drawing, a heavily-laden cart, stopped on a hilly road. A passer-by asked the owner —a woman —to take the donkey by the head while he pushed the cart from behind. The effort was successful, and the donkey re-started. Said the woman: “I knew one donkey couldn’t do it.” #■ * * Mistaken Identity.— The Grumbler: Look ’ere, mister, I ain’t complainin’, but this ’ere moosic stool you sold to my missus, we’ve twisted it roun’ and roun’ till we’ve twisted its bloomin’ ’ead off, and not a ha-porth o’ toon can we get out o’ it. * * * Both the same. —He: Your cousin refused to recognise me at the dance last night. I suppose he thinks I am not his equal. She: Ridiculous. Of course you are. Why, he is nothing but a conceited idiot! ■ft ■Sv # Not With Twelve. —Clustered round the tram stopping-place were a number of small children, accompanied by a woman. A traincar stopped, and they all got on. When the conductor arrived to collect the fares, he counted the children. There'were twelve. “Excuse me, madam,” he ventured, “but are these all yours, or is it a picnic?” The woman glared at him. “Sir,” she snapped, “these are all mine—and it’s no picnic.”

Another Arrangement. —She (concluding the quarrel, haughtily): I suppose you would like your ring back?” He (politely): I would rather—unless you can find somebody quickly to take over the remaining instalments. * •» •» Good Evidence. —Mother: Did teacher eat the mince pie you took her? Son: Yes, I think so. Anyhow she had to go home at play time. * # # No Need.—Mr Smith had just finished putting the seeds in the garden. “How about the birds eating the seeds?” queried Mrs Smith. “Hadn’t you better put up a scarecrow.” “Oh, that doesn’t matter,” was the reply.’ “One of us will always be in the garden.” -x- w * Generosity.—An Irish labourer was sued for wife maintenance. After a prolonged hearing of the case the magistrates delivered their judgment. “We find the case proved, and have decided to allow your wife 10/- a week." "Thank you very much, and God bless you, gentlemen,” replied the Irishman. “I’ll try and send her a bob or two myself.” -* -x * Weeds and Weeds.—Fred: So you are going to marry that young widow, eh? Jack! YgSi “She tells me you have promised to give up smoking.” “Yes. Sort of mutual sacrifice, as it were. She agreed to give up her weeds if I would give up mine.” * * * Discretion in Distance. —Counsel: You say you saw shots fired? Witness: Yes, sir. “How near were you to the scene of the fray?” “When the first shot was fired, 10 feet from the shooter.” “Ten feet. Well, now tell the court where you were when the second shot was fired.” "I didn’t measure the distance.’ “Speaking approximately, how far should you say?” “Well, it approximated to half a mile.” & » * No Gain Without Pain—A famous violinist was giving a recital in a northern town. A mother took her small son to hear him. She was disappointed to learn at the door that all the shilling seats were occupied. "In fact, there is no room anywhere,” added the man in the box office. “Even the 10/- rows are occupied.” “What!" exclaimed the woman. “You mean to tell me that people will give 10/- to hear a fiddler?” Then the fond mother turned round and dealt her son a box on the ears. “Now," she said, "perhaps you’ll practise!”