THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LIV, Issue 7271, 26 September 1933, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Unpremeditated. —“Oh, Janet, how did you come to break that ornament?’’ “I’m sure I’m verra sorry, mum; I wis just accidently dustin’ it.”

Theories. —“I’m so glad you’re so impressed .dear, by these explanations I’ve been making about banking and economics,” remarked the young husband.

“Yes, darling. It seems wonderful that anybody could know as much as you do about money without having any of it.”

Over the Garden Fence. —He leaned over the garden fence and beckoned to his neighbour. “I say, old fellow,” he said, “I understand that you have Thompson’s new rake.” The neighbour nodded. "Good,” said the first. “If you let me borrow that occasionally, I’ll let you use Jones’s roller whenever you need it.”

In the Theatre. —Youth (to fair companion) : Have you ever tried listening to a play with your eyes shut? Voice (from the row behind); Have you tried listening to one with your mouth shut?

Just in Case. —“He said you were what?” “Laconic.” “What does that mean?” “Dunno. But I gave him one on the nose to be on the safe side.”

Exchange of Compliments. —Barber: How do you like this new soap, sir?

Man in chair: It tastes fine. You must have lunch with me some day.

Stepping On It. —“ What was young Spenser arrested for at Oxford?” asked a friend. “Dad lent him the car to use for an hour,” replied Spenser’s brother. “Well?” asked the other. “He tried to do an hour’s drive in 15 minutes,” said the brother.

The Bowery Spinster. —Spinster: So the waiter says to me, “How would you like your rice?” Friend: Yes, dearie, go on. Spinster: So I says wistfully, “Thrown at me, big boy.”

Hardly Improved.—The parish council of a small German town liad to draw up a regulation making it incumbent on owners of dogs to put them on a lead when out walking. The first draft read as follows:—

‘‘He who owns a dog and is seen running about the streets without a lead will be shot.” ‘‘That can’t be right,” said a member of the council: “it sounds as if the owner was to be shot.”

So the regulation was redrafted, and now runs thus: —

“He who owns a dog and is seen running about the streets without a lead will be shot —the dog.”

Then He Ran. —Boy (to bearded stationmaster): When does the next train come in? Stationmaster: At -1.44. I’ve told you that five times already!

Boy: I know; but I like to see your whiskers wobble when you say 4.44.

» * * Monetary Rise.—“ The first thing Maud did with her legacy was to buy a dozen new hats.” “Ah! I was afraid the money would go to her head.”

Vaulting Ambition. —Elsie (aged five): I do hope some Dutchman will marry me when I grow up! Aunt Mary: Why, dear? Elsie: ’Cause 1 want to be a duchess!

The Double Cleansing.—Teacher: Now, I want you to notice how clean James’s hands always are. James, tell the class how it is that you keep your fingers so nice. James: Ma makes me wash the dishes every morning.

The Wise Wife. —Young wife: There is a gentleman in the library, dear, who wants to see you. Young husband: Do you know who he is? Young wife: You must forgive me, dear, but that cough of yours has worried me so of late, and you take such poor care of your health, and — and, oh, if I were to lose you, my darling! Young husband: There, there dear! Your fondness for me has made you nervous about nothing. I’m all right; you mustn’t be alarmed. But I’ll see the doctor, of course, just to satisfy you.

Young wife: It is not a doctor, dear, it’s a—a life insurance agent.

On the Bus. —The bus conductor, shouted, "Albert Hall, Albert Hall.” A small boy got up and left the bus.

After the bus had restarted another small boy turned to the man beside him and said, “Dad, when will they call out our names?”

Useful Anger. —Husband (tripping over loose carpet): I shall lose my temper with this confounded carpet in a minute!

Wife: That’s right, dear, do. Then take a stick and give it a jolly good hiding out on the lawn.

A Mean Trick. —Client: This dress doesn’t fit. It is the third dress you have spoiled for me. Dressmaker: Does that mean that madame will take her custom elsewhere ?

“Yes. But I shall send my friends to you.”

Blood Money. —This Scots story has been going the rounds:

An Englishman, being seriously ill, required a blood transfusion. A Scot supplied the necessary fluid, and the patient made such a good recovery that he sent the donor of blood a cheque for £2O. Some months later another transfusion was required; the same Scot volunteered and duly received a cheque for £lO. Months passed, and a third transfusion took place. This time the Scot went to ask why he had received no cheque. The patient answered:

“I’ve got too much Scotch blood in me by now.”

Every Schoolboy Knows.—The electricians were making some repairs on the local school.

Schoolboy: What are you doing, mister?

Electrician: Installing an electric switch.

Boy: Well, I don’t care. Our family is moving to-day, and I won’t be going to this school any more.

Aunt Sally.—“ There’s one thing about my missus, she’s a stickler for manners. If I was to go into a shop with her with me ’at on she’d knock it off.”

Turning the Tables. —An impecunious gentleman was stopped in the street by an acquaintance to whom he owed money. The creditor did not waste any time. “Rogue!” he shouted. “When are you going to pay me? I’ve been waiting for months and won’t stand it any longer. Haven’t you any sense of shame?” It was a difficult situation for the other, and his reply, when it came, was for the benefit of the crowd that had collected.

“Well,” he said, “what did you reply to all that?”

Neighbourly.—Professor: Now this plant belongs to the Begonia family. Visitor: Ah, yes, and you’re looking after it for them while they’re away on holiday?

■Willing to Oblige.—lt was at the Sunday school treat. Tea was over, and amusements were about to commence.

The vicar looked round for talent. “Now, I think we might start the ball rolling with a jolly little song,” he said. “Tommy Smith, will you oblige?”

“I can’t sing, sir,” replied Tommy, “but I’ll fight any of the other kids.”

Hydraulics.—Engineering Profess sor: What is the greatest water power known to man?

Student (dreamily): A woman’s tears.

Ambiguous.—lt was Sandy’s first morning in gaol. The warder handed him a pail of water, with the order, “That’s to clean your cell.” On returning some time later he found Sandy stripped, having a bath. “What on earth are you doing?” the warder demanded. “Didn’t you say I was to clean masel?” asked Sandy innocently.

He Asked for It. —It was the dance interval. Greta was sitting out with smooth-haired Percy.

“Do you know,” she said, by way of making conversation, “when a man who bores me terribly asks me where I live I always say in the country?” Percy laughed. “How frightfully clever of you,” he praised. “And where do you really live?”

Greta yawned. “In the country,” she replied.