THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LIV, Issue 7239, 19 August 1933, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Not Nearly. —A diner at a restaurant saw at another table a man he thought he had met before. "Excuse me, but are you Dunn?” he asked. “Done!” he exclaimed. “No, I ain’t. I’m only started.” * # -aActing on Orders.-— Magistrate (to prisoner): Did you or did you not steal the good lady’s carpet? Prisoner: No, sir. , The good lady gave me the carpet and told me to beat it—and so I did. •’* Appetising.— -Young Brother (to sister’s conceited young man): I heard father say he’s' going to bring you down a peg. Army Subaltern: Splendid! Tell him not too much soda. ■X* vf- yl* Opportunism.— “ Let me prove to you that advertising brings results!’’ "I know,” groaned the manufacturer. "Yesterday I advertised for a nightwatchman—last night my shop was broken into.” # # # Too Pally. —Jones: Did you go on that trout-fishing excursion last week? Brown: I did. Jones: Did you fish with flies? Brown: Fish with flies? Yes, we fished with them, camped with them, dined with them, slept with them — why, man, they almost ate us alive! -* «• a A. Everything she wears is so appropriate. B. I know it. Even the clocks on her stockings are striking. * * «■ Saved His Life. —Millie: He said he would kiss me or die in the attempt. Dillie: Well? Millie: He has no life insurance, and I pitied his poor old mother. ■* «■ His Peers. —Lawyer: Are you acquainted with any of the gentlemen on the jury? Witness: Yes, sir, more than half of them. Lawyer: Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them? Witness: Say, if it comes to that, I’m willing to swear that I know more than all of them put together. i» o Lucid. —Crank: Do you mind walking with me when I’m not wearing a hat? Miss Modern: I’d rather walk with you when you’re not wearing a hat than walk with you when you are wearing the kind of hat you’d wear if you wore a hat.

High Authority.—Caller: Are you sure the manager Is not in? Dignified Office Boy: Do you doubt his word, sir? TV A Hint. —"The horse you sold me last week is a fine animal, but I can’t get him to hold his head up.” "Oh, it’s because of his pride. He’ll hold it up as soon as he’s paid for.” #■ * «• Fed-up Member (to club bore): I only onco remember you behaving naturally, and that was when you wormed your way into this club. » # “Your daughter tells me that your wife is having her voice cultivated.” “Yes. Did she tell you the rest of us were growing wild?” * «■ » Conceit.—John: Will you marry me, Joan? Joan: No. But I will always admire the good taste you show! # *)f No Chicken.—Flo: Why did Miss Antique discharge her butler? Clo: He boasted that he had grown grey in her service. * * * A Poser. —In a certain wateringplace is a school for young ladies, conducted by a very particular old maiden lady, who is a perfect female dragon In the matter of etiquette. One day, to her horror, she noticed one of her young lady pupils talking to a bright-looking boy on the promenade. Swooping down on them, she demanded of the youth an explanation. “Have you been introduced to this young lady?” "No, ma’am.” “Then, don’t you know it is the height of rudeness to speak to anyone without an introduction?” “It is, ma’am,” said the boy, “but, why in the world are you talking to me?” * ■* * Get Married.-—Wife: What would you do If you were left a widower, John? Hub: I suppose I should do the same as you if you were left a widow. Wife: Oh, you horrid wretch! And you told me you could never care for anyone else. * # # Not So Painful.—“ Which do you like better, balloon tyres or high-pressure tyres?” asked the motor enthusiast. “I like balloon tyres better.” “What kind of car is yours?” “I haven’t got a car. I’m a pedestrian.” OC* S.O.S,—During the battle the officer on the extreme right sent the message to the officer on the extreme left: “Send reinforcements. We are going to advance.” Slowly the message passed from mouth to mouth and, as it is not uncommon, its wording became slightly altered. The officer on the left was extremely puzzled to hear:; “Send three and fourpence. We are going to a dance.”

Ridiculous!—“Last week I did a 70mile drive!” boasted the owner of g, new car. “Don’t be silly,” retorted the keen golfer, “that’3 impossible!” «■ # * Proof.—There waß a registered letter at the post oflice for Dave, but the new postal official didn’t like giving it to him without some means of identification. “How do I know that you are Dave Woop?” he asked. “I’ll soon prove who I am,” Dave replied, pulling a photo of himself out of his pocket. “Have a look at that and see if it isn’t me.” «- w ■» Mr Flubdub: You women are jolly slow. During the time it took you to select that hat I went out and made 20 pounds! Mrs Flubdub: I’m so glad, dear, you’ll need it! \£r v!* Man: home from Australia (visiting home village after an absence of 30 years) Well, Sam, you don’t remember me, eh? Sam: Why, it be young Joe Porter. Bless ’e, I were only saying’ to Sarah yesterday Oi ’adn’t seed ’e about alately. * * if A Profitable Opening. —Fred: What is Simpson doing now? Bill: Oh, he’s travelling with a menagerie. Fred: Hard work? Bill: No; he’s nothing to do except stick his head into a lion's mouth twice a day. A Reverse.—“ Yes,” said Mrs Mulligan, “me ’usband’s a wonderful man. Sure, he can mend clocks now. He mended our old cuckoo clock all right. It’s only got one single fault now; it ‘coo’s’ before it ‘cucks.’ ” s»* # ’X’ The Right Man. —The railway chairman was explaining his reorganisation of the staff, and came to Spriggs. The chief shareholder gasped. “Spriggs! What on earth can he do? Why, he is so deaf that he can’t hear thunder! What post have you given him?” “I think you will agree,” returned the chairman stiffly, “that the directors understand their business thoroughly. Mr Spriggs will attend each day and hear all complaints from passengers.” ... ■vl* W : ‘S All That's Necessary.—“ Why don’t you get a good brush? You could do twice as much work with it.” “Because I haven’t got twice as much work to do.”

Teacher: Is your father kind to an!mals, Tommy? Tommy: Yes, miss. ’E says ’e’<t like to kill the man what scratches horses. W* ■y’- .JJ. “I hear that you acted in this last tallde.” “Yes, I was the. approaching footsteps.” Safe.—Daisy: Why does Maud throw herself at Billy so? Violet: Because, my dear, she knows that lie is a good catch. ■JC - w w Satisfying.—First Youth: 1 asked her if I could see her home. Second ditto: What did she say? "Said she would send me a picture of it.” -i:- *• «• The Alternative. —Wife: It comes t® this, Freddie. If you get a cheque for your songs, we can paper the sit-ting-room. If we don’t get a cheque we shall have to paper the rooms with your songs. A Difficulty—A famous conjurer was giving a one-man show at a small town in the Midlands, and in the usual way during the performance invited any gentleman from the audience to step up on the platform. A man in knee-breeches and a velveteen coat responded to the invitation. “Now, sir,” he said, “I suppose you think it’s impossible for me to make that rabbit in the box on the table pass into your coat-tail pocket?” “I don’t know about that, but I wouldn’t do it if I was you,” was the reply. “Oh, it won’t hurt you," he was assured. “I wasn’t thinking of myself," answered the man. “But I’ve got a couple of ferrets in that there pocket, and you can bet your bottom dollar it will be rough on the rabbit.” ■Jr vf She Wood. —They were talking about trees. “My favourite,” she said, “is the oak. It is so noble, so magnificent in its strength. What is your favourite?” “Yew.” he replied. » «• His Fate. —Visitor: Why are you here, my friend? Prisoner: I’m the victom of the unlucky Number Thirteen. “Indeed! How’s that?” “Twelve jurors and one judge!” -x- xRock Cake? —Mrs Brown had been invited to the wedding, and was treating Mrs Mlvvens to a detailed account of the occasion. “Being a fireman’s wedding,” she said, “all his mates turned up and formed an arch with their little choppers. Most appropriate, I thought." Mrs Mivvens had not been invited, so she received the information with a sniff of disdain. “Yes,” she remarked, "I heard about it. And those same choppers came in very handy later on when they tried to cut the home-made wedding cake!”