THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LVI, Issue 7103, 11 March 1933, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Bin idlers: “Your new son-in-law doesn’t look equal to a good day’s work.” Withers: "Equal to it! Why, he’s above it.” A depressed-looking feilow strolled into a grill-room around lunch hour. The waiter bustled up. “What will you have, sir? Some cold shoulder?” “No, thanks; I had that this morning.” “Well, then, tongue, sir?” “No, thanks; I’ll get that to-niglit.” Jags: “Doctor, my wife lias insomnia very badly. She very often remains awake until two o’clock in the morning. What shall I do for her?” Doctor: “Go home earlier.” “If ignorance is bliss,” said Black To White, “why, then, old boy. “You’d better get your life insured; You’re apt to die of ,ioy.” _ , * * * Builders Foreman: "Are you fit for hard labour?” Applicant: “Well, several judges have thought so.” A coster pushing a hardcart of shrimps was confronted by a member of Parliament, and was ordered to get out of the way. “Get out of the road yourself,” returned the coster. “You don’t know who I am, evidently," said the other. “I have M.P. at the end of my name.’ “So has every blinkin’ shrimp in this ’ere barrel- of mine,” was the retort. News note, -‘A physiognomist says that in hiring help the shape of the applicants features should be one’s guide.” We tried this plan with Nelly Rose. We kept her just one week; Although we chose her for her nose We sacked her for her cheek.

“Ah!” sighed the sentimental maid. “I could sit and gaze at the moon for hours.” “Would I were the man in it,” said the callow youth who was helping her to hold down the rustic seat on the lawn. “Same here,” she replied, wearily. “Then you would be nearly two hundred and forty-thousand miles away.” * * -xThe builder’s agent was showing them round a new estate. Suddenly, stepping backward, Mr Smith fell into a hole. "I’m so sorry,” said the agent, “1 meant to have told you about that hole.” “Pray, don’t worry,” replied Mr Smith as he scrambled out, “I’ve found it myself.” ■v- * * Four tourists arrived at a farm in Scotland one Sunday, and asked for tumblers of milk. After, drinking the milk the tourists asked what was to' pay. “Dear, dear!” said the farmer’s wife, “we dinna sell milk on the Sabbath, Ye can just gie the bairn a shillin’ as ye gang 00t..’ ’ She (bitterly): “Before you married me I was an angel. I’ll never be that again, I suppose.” He (sarcastically). “Well, I live in hopes.” •jf *X* *A* District Councillor: “This public meeting has been called to support the new movement for preserving our rural beauties.” Village Spinster (indignantly): “I think it’s an insult to suggest that we need preserving.” The following testimonial was given to an illiterate servant girl: “This is to certify that the bearer has been in my service for one year, less eleven months. During that time 1 found her to be diligent, at the front door; temperate, at her work; attentive, to herself; prompt, at excuses; amiable, towards young tradesmen; faithful, to the policeman; and honest, when everything was under lock and key.” “Your lordship,” said the lawyer, "this man’s insanity takes the form of a belief that everyone wants to rob him. He won’t allow even me to approach him.” "Perhaps he’s not, so mad after all,” replied the court, in a judicial whisper. ■Jv ?’* •if A pretty girl, wearing the latest fashion in bathing suits, sat on the beach. A young man approached her and remarked, “It is a fine day.” “How dare you speak to me?” said the girl, indignantly. “I don’t know you from Adam.” . “Well,” replied the young man, unconcernedly, “I’d scarcely know you from Eve!”

THIS STEEL-AND-GLASS FURNITURE. THE GIRL: “Quick! Father’s coming! Hide under the table!’’

Captain of village fire brigade (entering local inn): “Eight pints o’ beer, ma, and do ye mind bein’ a bit quick as we be on our way to a fire?” She: “We women suffer in silence.” He: “Yes, I always understood that it was painful to you to be silent.” Woman in Butcher’s Shop (indignantly): “Have you no scruples, whatever?” Butcher (amiably): “No, ma’am, but I can order you some for to-morrow'.” “Her husband was a judge, wasn’t he?” “Everybody thought so till he married her.” Some people say that dealing oil the stock exchange is as bad as horseracing. Worse! In a race the horses don’t suddenly turn and start running backward. A woman who particularly wished to attend an evening performance of a play, arranged that a highly recommended young woman should stay with the children. When the mother returned from the theatre she asked the girl if she had had any difficulty with the family. “Not exactly,” replied the buxom lass, “but the eldest boy, the redheaded one, was a bit of a handful. Had to use force to get him into bed.” “Red-headed one,” shrieked the mother, “Good heavens! that’s my husband.” “We must have Raymond Oofles as lead in our super film,” said the world-famous director. “Don’t you think,” an underling dared to remark, “that he is too caustic?” “What if he is!” thundered the director. “Hang the expense! I want him.”

One of the witnesses at an inquiry into a case of alleged bribery in an election stated that be had received £25 to vote Conservative, and in cross-examination it was elicited that he had also received £25 to vole Liberal. “You say you receive £25 to vote conservative?” asked the magistrate in amazement. “Yes, my lord.” “And you also received £23 to vola Liberal?” “Yes, my lord.” “And for whom did you vote at the finish.” “I voted, sir, according to my conscience!” “Yes,” said the election candidate, “I’m going among the farmers to-day, to a pumpkin show, or jackass show, or something of that sort. Not that 1 care for pumpkins or jackasses, but T want to show the people that I’m one of them.” “1 suppose this rain will do a lot. of good?” remarked a gentleman to his Irish gardener. “Ye’re roight, sorr,” he replied. “Sluire, an hour ov it will do more good in foivc minutes than a month ov it; would do in a week at any other time.” “Whom does the baby resemble?” asked the visitor. “If I am correctly informed.” replied the proud father, “he gets his beautiful eyes from my wife’s family and his weak chin from mine.” Needing a pet dog, a young lady went to a dealer and said: “I want one of those dogs about so high and about so long, a sort of greyhound, but it isn’t quite, because its tail’s shorter and its head’s bigger. Also, you see, the legs aren’t so long and the body’s thinner. Do you keep that sort of dog, dealer?” “No, madam, I don’t. I drowns ’em.” The chief salesman of a certain firm had a very loud voice. One morning when the manager arrived at the office he heard a terrible noise coming from the salesman’s office. “Who is that shouting?” asked the manager. “That’s Dlr Hill talking to Wellington,” replied the secretary. “Then tell him to use the telephone.” Mother discovered her three-year-old daughter washing the kitten with soap and water. “My darling,” she exclaimed, “whatever are you doing?” “Washing the kitty, mummie.” “But I don’t think kitty’s mother would like the way you are washing her baby.” “Well, mummie, 1 really can’t lick it!”