THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LVI, Issue 7067, 28 January 1933, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Things Seem Familiar.— “ Do. your neighbours borrow much from you?” “Borrow! Why, I feel more at home in their houses than I do in my own.” * * # Just Wondering— Two barristers were engaged in a heated argument. Finally one exclaimed: “Is there any case so low, so utterly shameful and crooked that you’d refuse it?” “I don’t know,” said the other, pleasantly. “What have you been doing now?” * * *'• Not So Smart. —“Your car awaits without,” said the policeman to the diner in the cafe. “Without what?” asked the smart diner. “Lights,” said the policeman. “Name and address, please.” ft •5V* ft Then They Put Him Out— The business man was questioning an applicant with a view to taking him into his employment as chauffeur. “Why,did you leave your last post?” he asked. “My guv’nor and his missus fell out,” the man replied. “Surely that was no reason why you should leave,” said the business man. “Well,” said the chauffeur, “if you want to know, sir, they fell out of the car.”

Old Clothes.— Wife: There was a poor woman here to-day after old clothes for her family. Husband: Did you give her any? Wife: Yes, I gave her that 10-year-old suit of yours and that dress I bought last week. ■Jh * Vague.— Patient: Doctor, I can’t tell how I feel. I am all anyhow. It took me suddenly. I don’t know how—l am not very well. I can’t tell you why. Doctor: Take this prescription for I don’t know what to the . chemist; take it I don’t know liow many times a day and you will be cured—l don’t know when. ft ft ft Sympathy.— An old Shakespearian actor was engaged at a music-hall to give tragic readings from Shakespeare. His reception was anything but complimentary. When he came off the stage, he was approached by a kindly Cockney comedian who had been watching his performance from the wings. “Don’t take any notice of ’em,” he said, sympathetically. “I’ve been watching your turn, and I think you’re genuinely funny!” * * * Taken Literally— A census official, on asking a woman how old she was, received the following answer:

“Do you know how old the Hill girls next door are?” “Sure.” “Well, I am as old as they.” The official wrote down, “As old as the hills.”

Chatter.—Smart: In the days of the Old Testament it was considered a miracle for an ass to speak Fellows: Yes, yes, go on! Smart: While to-day nothing short of a miracle will keep one quiet. * * « No Antiques. —Madam: I want a hat —after the style of the one I am wearing. Asistant: Certainly, Madam. All our hats are after that style. -x- * -x- ---' Cheerful! —But what’s this extra item of three guineas on the bill for that operation of mine?” “That’s for my glasses. I lost them somewhere while I w r as operating.” * •» * Bow-Wow! —Lady: Well, I’ll take a pound of those sausages. Are they British? , , ~ Butcher: Yes, madam. The good old Bulldog Breed. * * * A Good Distance. —Lady: Oh, constable, I feel so funny! Policeman: What’s the matter, madam? Have you vertigo? Lady: Oh. yes. constable: about two miles!

Poor Father.— Peg (inspecting trousseau): Darling, it all beggars description. Meg (who lias just had a bad 10 minutes with father): Oh, well, I’ll be nice company for daddy. •ft ft •ft Wide Awake— “ Doctor, can you tell me how to make my husband stop snoring?” “Don’t worry. Your baby will soon bo teething and you will not need to stop his snoring.” ft ft ft All Square.— Mr Levine went to ask a lawyer for some advice. “What can 1 do," he asked, “to a boy who threw a stone and broke one of my windows?” “You can make his father pay for the damage,” answered the lawyer. “Good!” cried Mr Levine, triumphantly. “Then perhaps you’ll hand over the three dollars right away—it was your son who did it!” “Certainly,” answered the lawyer, unperturbed. “I shall be delighted to make restitution. My fee is five dollars, so as soon as you pay me two dollars we’ll call it even.” * * * Married at Last— First Girl: So she’s married at last. I knew her fiance well. • Second girl: But she didn’t marry her fiance, she married mine!

Always Ready.— "My wile quarrels at the slightest provocation.” “Lucky man. My wife doesn’t need any provocation.” * * * Familiar Gambit. —Mrs Campbell: Dear, I saw the sweetest little hat in a shop to-day. Mr Campbell: Put it on and let. me see how you look in it. Not the Same.— Willie Good: Dad, our teacher says that ‘collect’ and ‘congregate’ mean the same thing. The Rev. Mr Good: Well, you can tell your teacher that there is considerable difference between a congregation and a collection. *• *■ * The Cue. —Host (aside to wife): I wish your guests would go. I want to get some sleep. Wife (aloud): Oh, Miss Schnitzell, won’t you please sing for us? * * * It Beat Them All.— Little Freddy had been given a splendid watch for a Christmas present. It was the first watch he had ever had. Funnily enough, he did not seem very excited about it. He went to a party on Boxing Day, however, and returned in tremendous spirits, exclaiming:— “I’ve got a ripping watch!” “I’m so glad you like it,” said his mother, pleased at his joy which up to now he had concealed. “Yes,” he continued, “it’s half an hour ahead of Jackie Jones, and it’s a whole hour ahead of the church clock. It beats them all!”

No Cause For Anxiety.—His Lordship: James, I am rather worried about the number of empty bottles in the cellar. James: Don’t worry about those, my lord. If her ladyship mentions them I will say I drank every drop myself. Language. —Magistrate:. So the man held you up, did he, and took your money? Did you call the police? Victim: I did. Everything I could think of! -:; * * True Enough.— “ Uncle” was going to have his annual Christmas sale, and he and his assistants were putting cards upon the articles to be disposed of. The assistant had placed an overcoat edged with astrakhan on one of the wax figures in the window. After gazing at it for a minute m a very disapproving way, he said to his employer, “You know, sir, I can’t possibly put that card ‘Fashionable’ on this coat. It’s far too shabby.” “Never mind,” was the reply,' “place on it, ‘yery much worn’!”