THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LV, Issue 6918, 23 July 1932, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Dilemma. —Curate: All my life I’ve been unfortunate. When still a child I was left an orphan. Old Maid: Dear me! Whatever did you do with it?

Encouragement.—“l shall never do anything finer than that,” said the artist as he displayed his last painting. “Nonsense!” exclaimed his friend; “you mustn’t lose heart, old man.”

•» ■* ■* Warm Reception.—Hostess (introducing new arrival): This is Captain Banks, who has just returned from a visit to the Arctic regions. Pretty Guest: Oh, do come nearer the fire. You must be cold. *X* v w Impossible.—The teacher had occasion to reprove a little boy in her class for talking during lessons. “Willie Jones,” she bellowed forth, “sit down in front.” “I’m sorry, teacher,” he replied. “I’m not made that way.” * •& -xMaking Work.—Andy called at the big business house to apply for a job that lie had seen advertised. “But, my dear man,” said the manager, “you are much too late! Why, I’ve had over a thousand applications already!” Andy looked thoughtful. “Well,!’ he said, after a while, “how about employing me to classify the applications?”

Making Sure.—Big Sister: Betty, whatever are you crying for? I could hear you right down the street. Betty: 1 don’t love you any more. Big Sister: Why? Betty: ’Cause you said you could hear me crying when you came down the street. I went to the gate to listen, and I couldn’t hear nufling.

Toothache—ln court the other day, counsel remarked, “It is difficult to define a word like ‘toothache’ in terms of language.” ‘‘Unless in had language," said his witty opponent.

Quite the Reverse. —The young doctor was offered the book, “What to Do Until the Doctor Comes.” “That is not the book I want,” lie told the bookshop assistant. “Do you think such a book will cause patients to treat themselves and dispense with tlie services of a doctor?” asked the assistant.

The voung doctor shook his head. “No, I don’t think so,” he replied. “But the book I’m looking for is, ‘What to Do Until the Patients Come.’”

Turned Down. —"Darling,” said the ardent suitor, “1 love you—and this ring is a symbol of my love for you. It has no end.” “It is also a symbol,” said the girl unkindly, “of the love I bear for you, which has no beginning.”

Simpler. —The squire was interviewing an applicant for a position on his land. “Have you any education, John?” he asked.

“Why, yes, sir,” said the labourer. “That’s good,” said the squire, “and f suppose you can write your name?” The applicant raised a puzzled face. “What’s that, sir?” he asked. “I said I suppose you can write your name,” repeated the squire. The labourer shook his head. “No, sir,” he replied. “I always dictates it.”

Fish Diet.—A visitor was strolling round the small fishing village with his host. “What do all these people eat?” he asked.

“Fish, mostly,” the host responded. “But,” said the visitor, “I thought fish was a brain food? These are really the most unintelligent-looking people I ever saw!” “Well,” replied the host, “just think of what they would look like if they didn’t eat fish!”

The Village Novelty.—A commercial traveller, having missed his connecting train, found himself with two hours to spend in a small village. He approached a porter. “Got a picture-house here?” ho asked. “No.”

“A. billiard hall or library?” “No.” “Well, how do you amuse yourselves?”

“We go down to the store of an evening. They’ve just got a new bacon slicer,”