THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LV, Issue 7412, 20 December 1930, Page 17

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Master: What is moss’ Pupil: It’s what rolling stones don’t gather, sir. * * * Mobility.—The Bore: Life, after all, is very like a game of chess. The Bored: Really? And -when will it be your turn to move? •ft 'ft ft Tact.—“ Waiter, I have whistled for you for half an hour.” “Sorry, sir, I thought it was the nightingale.” * # In the Clouds.—Passenger: How do you know the way back? Aviator: I just notice the shapes of the clouds and then it is easy. w * * Hubby: I hear that young Montmorency has just become engaged to Marian Lever. Wife: Well, I hope he won’t. Hubby: Won’t what,? Wife: Marry an’ leave her! * * * Windy.—The Girl: While you are asking daddy I'll play something jolly on the piano. Her Beau: I shouldn’t. Some people can’t keep their feet still when they hear lively music.

The Bore: When 1 left my last club they gave me this silver watch. Voice from behind newspaper: Leave our club and we’ll give you a gold one. # * * “Where are all the peonle running to?” "It looks as though one of the bathers has gone out too far.” “Really! Now, perhaps we’ll get a couple of chairs to sit on.” * * * All the Fun.—Mrs Jones (angrily): Tommy Brown, what made you hit my little Jimmy? Tommy: Ho struck me with a brick. Mrs Jones (more angrily): Well, never let me hear of your hitting him again. If he hits you you come and tell me. Tommy (sneeringly): Yes, and what would you do? Mrs Jones: Why, I’d whip him. Tommy (in disgust): What, he hits me with a brick, and you have the fun of lickin’ him for it? Not much.

Wanted to be Fair.—The two high handicap golfers sliced their drives into the rough grass behind some trees.

For a long time they searched for the missing balls, and all the time an old lady watched from a nearby bench. After the search had been in progress for about. 10 minutes the onlooker spoke to the golfers. “I say,” she said, “1 do hope I’m not interrupting, but would it be cheating if I told you where the balls are?”

One Method.—The inquisitive lady ■was continually -worrying the gardener. She asked a lot of meaningless questions. “What steps do you take with the caterpillars?” she asked next. “Well, mum,” said the exasperated gardener, “I takes half-a-dozen steps into our nearest field and turns the caterpillars round several times so that they gets giddy and don’t know their way back.”

Not Us, Thanks.—The managing director permitted no cordiality or familiarity between the heads of the firm and the employees. Judge his surprise, then, when an assistant one day remarked affably to him: “Well, sir, it looks as though we are going to have some fine weather at last.” The managing director turned on him. “We! Well, I like your impertinence,” he growled. “How long have you been a director? Until you are one please remember that there is no ‘we’ as far as you are concerned.” * * a One for the Lawyer.—The lawyer was cross-examining the witness and browbeating him at the same time. “Now, Mr Jones,” he said in dramatic tones, “I want you to tell us if you have ever been in this court before.” “Well, I’d rather not,” pleaded Jones. The barrister turned choleric, and banged down his fist. “Don’t trifle with this court, sir. Please answer my question.” “Very well then,” retorted Jones, “I’ve been here half-a-dozen times before in a fruitless endeavour to find you and request that you should keep up your payments for the car you bought,”

Tantalising.—Does your husband talk in his sleep? No, the wretch only smiles. * * * Too Old.—Grandma: Teddy, I wouldn’t slide down the banister. Teddy: No, grandma, I think you’re too old for that. * * * Magistrate: How do you know you were going only 15 miles an hour? Defendant: Why, I was on my way to the dentist’s. * * * “I had a clear field with Basil yesterday.” “That’s nothing. I had a deserted beach with him last night.” * One Man’s Meat.—“l’ve eaten beef all my life, and now I’m as strong as an ox!” said he. “That’s funny,” replied she. “I’ve eaten fish all my life, and I can’t swim a stroke.” * * # Child (to young man who has called) —Sister told me to entertain you till she comes down. Young Man: Oli, she did, did she? Child: Yes—and I’m not to answer too many questions.

“Poor old Raggs! Bad spelling -was! his ruin.” “How was that?” “Forged another man’s name to & cheque, and spelt it wrong.” -x- # * The Illogical Sex.—She: I would have given anything in the world t« have had that vase. He: Well, why didn’t you buy It? She: Oh, but the man wanted twd guineas for it! * •& # Easy.—" Why don’t you send In yout| account every month?” asked Brown of his newsagent. “If you leave it oves too long the amount comes as a bi£ of a blow.” “Well, you see,” explained the news® agent, “I never ask a gentleman to his account.” “Never ask him ” echoed wonderingly. “But what happens, if h(9| doesn’t pay—what do you do?” “That’s easy,” came the answer. “18 he doesn’t pay I conclude that he isn’| a gentleman, so I ask him for it.”

Question of Diet.—The doctor very puzzled when Mrs Muldoon tolcl him that her husband was not recov* ering very rapidly from his illness. “H’m, that’s funny,” he mused. “By; the way,” he added, “I told him to have one pint of milk, two apples, ancs two Avheatmeal rolls at Has he kept strictly to that?” “Well, doctor,” she answered, "ha tries hard, but by the time he has or. dinaiy food he doesn’t feel much like eating all that extra. Often he’s thaS full he has to leave some milk or a® apple.”

Wealth on Wings.—“‘Riches,’®! quoted the teacher, “ ‘take unto themselves wings and fly away.’ Now, what kind of riches does the -writer mean?” He stared round at the class, but nothing but blank looks met his gaze. “Surely someone can answer a question like that? You, John,” said the teacher: “what kind of riches did the writer mean?” John hesitated for a moment; theni —“Ostriches, sir,” he replied.

The Turf Commission. —“John, what is this card of a turf commission agent doing in your pocket?” asked Mrs Henpecker severely. “Oh, that! Just a man who called at the office, dear, offering to returf the lawn.”

A Glorious Optimist. —She had just been married. Her pride was great as she walked round the big stores with a list of household necessities in her bag. At last sbe reached the horticultural department. “i want to grow some trees in my garden,” she said. “Can you sell me a few seeds?” “Certainly, madam,” replied the assistant. He fetched a packet and handed them over. “Can you guarantee these?” she asked. “Yes, madam, we can.” “Will the trees be tall and thick in the trunk?” “They should be, madam.” “And quite strong at the roots, I suppose?” “Oh, yes, madam." A look of satisfaction came over her face. “Very well,” she said. “I’ll have a liammook at the same time.”