THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LV, Issue 7294, 2 August 1930, Page 11

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Making It Unanimous. —He: “I could go on loving you like this for ever!" She: “Oh, go on!” * * * Snappy Comeback. —She: “How old do you think I am?” He: “You don’t look it.’ # * * Possibly a Hint.—He: “There was something I wanted to say to you, but I forgot what it was.” She: “Was it ‘Good-night’?” * * * Try Anything Once.—First Shark: “What’s that funny two-legged thing that just fell in the water?” / Second Shark: “Dunno, but I’ll bite.” * # * Fair Antiquarian.— Alice: “Can you do any of the old-fashioned dances?” Virginia: “1 think I remember the Charleston!"

The Moving Picture Mind. —Mother: “Hurry, Jane, or we shall not reach the church in time to see the wedding.” Jane (aged 7): “Is there only one showing, mother?” * * * Probably in Reverse. —Judge: “How do you' know you were going only 20 miles an hour?” Defendant: “Why, I was on my way to the dentist’s.” * * » Unaccountable. —“He’s a clever boy,” said the teacher, “but he’s vfery much given to lying.” “I don’t know where he learned that,” said the father, “his mother never tells lies and I’m so little at home.”

Strict Compliance. —“ But, Madame, you cannot marry again. If you do, your husband has clearly specified in his will that his fortune will go to his brother.” “Yes, that’s so. It’s the brother that I’m marrying.” * . ;■# # Unsought Glory. —“lt was grand of you to dive from that height, fully clothed, to effect such a magnificent rescue,” the looker-on declared. “That’s all very well,” snarled the hero, “but what I want to know is—who pushed me in?” ij: * # Businsss-like. —Small Brother: “I just saw you kiss my sister.” Young Man: “Here. Keep still. Put this half a crown in your pocket.” Small Brother: “Here’s sixpence change. One price to all—that’s the way I do business.” ■* * * Not a Family Man. —A Kansas man confesses to having killed the brother of his fiancee because he insisted on the repayment of 40 dollars the killer had borrowed from him. Oh, well, a man with such ideas wouldn’t have made much of a brother-in-law. # * * A Flying Leap. —A characteristic of the wit of the London busman is its unfailing topicality. A few weeks ago when a young woman taken unawares leaped frantically from the middle of the street to an “island,” the bus driver looked at her reproachfully and said, “Nail then, Amy.” * * * Without. —This is the story of a social worker who ordered soda water without flavour. “Without which flavour?” asked the clerk. “Without strawberry flavour.” “We haven’t any strawberry today.” “Then I’ll take it without chocolate flavour.”

Easy Terms.— Landlady: “You will either pay the two months’ rent you owe or go today.” >. Lodger: “Thanks for the alternative. My last landlady wanted both.” # * * Pity the Fish.—“ Where are you going, Jackie? Are you going fishing or arc you on the way to school?” “I don’t know. I’m just fighting with, my conscience.” # * « Quicker. —First Father: “My son at college supports himself by typewriting letters in ids spare time.” Second Father: “Mine sends telegrams.” « # * Mean. —First Typiste: “Does your boss ever take you out to lunch?” Second Typist: “No; the way that old gink treats me, you’d think I was his wife.” # # # Quite Another Tune.—" How well your husband sings. Ono trembles before the elemental strength of his voice.” “Yes, but at home he is only a whispering baritone.” * * * Close Shave. —"It is terrible to think that rhy son might have become Prime Minister.” “What prevented him?” “He married and his wife would not let him enter politics.” w * * Incompetent. —Little Louise had been reprimanded by her father for misconduct. When she went to bed that night, she prayed thus: “Dear God, please don’t give father any more children. lie doesn’t know v how to treat the one he has.” * * * Doubted. —“ Your Honour,”.said the witness, “you may take my statement as being absolutely correct: I have been wedded to truth since my childhood.” "Quite possible,” said the judge, “but what the court wants to know is, how long have you been a widower?”

Distance Lends. “Mummy, you bought sister a piano, so buy me a bicycle.” “What for?” “So that I can go riding while she practises.” # * * Start With Dad. —Father: “Tom, go and fetch the old horse.” Tom: “Why the old one, father?” Father: “Wear out the old one first—that’s my motto!” Tom: “Well, father, then you fetch the horse!”

Bright Lad.— Examiner: “Suppose, you put a thermometer in a patient’s mouth and he swallows it, what would you do?” Candidate: “Put a gas jet under the patient so that the mercury will riso and I can get the thermometer out again.”