THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LV, Issue 7201, 26 April 1930, Page 11

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Illusive. —“Does m-i-r-a-g-e spell marriage, father?” “Often, my child.” * * *

Kindness First. —“What do you do when in doubt about kissing a girl? * “Give her the benefit of the doubt.” * * *

Looks Like. —Sitto: Has the Scotsman bought the gasoline station? Ditto: Well, the free air sign is down.

A Shocker a Day Keeps the Sheriff Away.— Regular Customer (to bookstall clerk): “Here, boy!—you’ve given me a yesterday’s Edgar Wallace!” * * * Considerate Father. “Did the bride’s father give her away?” “No; on the contrai-y, he told the bridegroom she would make a very economical wife.” * # # Easy. —Mother: What’s that awful noise next door? Willie: That’s the gentleman from the furniture store collecting his easy payments.

Life’s Darkest Moment.— Smith: “Have you ever been in a railway accident?” , Jones: “Yes, once when I was in a train and we were going through a tunnel I kissed the father instead of the daughter.” * * *

Helpful.— The motorist rang up the nearest garage. “Hello,” he said, “I've turned turtle. Can you do anything for me?” “I’m afraid not,” came the sweet feminine reply. “You’ve got the wrong number. W’hat you want is the Zoo.

Considerate.—lrate Passenger (who has managed to board a motor-bus that didn’t stop)—“Suppose I’d slipped and lost a leg, what then?” Conductor (kindly)—“You wouldn’t have had to do any more jumpin’ then. We always stop for a man with a crutch.” .

A Reasonable Service. —“An old coloured man,” said a minister, ‘‘came to me one day with the request that I pray for his floating kidney. “ ‘Why Sam,’ I remonstrated, *how do you expect me to pray for some particular thing like that?’ “ ‘Wal parson,’ Sam retorted, las week you’ all was a prayin’ for de loose livers.’ ” # *

Another Oil Scandal. —Girl: Could you fix me a dose of castor oil so the oil won’t taste? Druggist: Certainly! Won’t you have a glass of soda while waiting? Girl: Oh, thank you. (And drinks the soda.) . , . Druggist: Something else, Miss? Girl: No, just the oil. Druggist: But you just drank it. Girl: Oh, dear; I wanted it for my mother. # * *

The Black Sheep.— A Kentuckian had seventeen children, all boys. When they came of age they voted uniformly the Democratic ticket—all except one boy. TJie father was asked to explain this evident fall from grace. “Wal,” said he, “I’ve always tried to bring them boys up right, in the fear of the Lord and Democrats to the bone; but John, the ornery cuss, got to readin’.” * * * #

A Monopolist.—Bill Smith went to the seaside for a week or two, and on his return took Sam Jones to task. “Look here, Sam,” he said, “I understand that while' I was away you took advantage of my absence to see Mabel Green nearly every night.” “No, Bill,” said Sam, “you’re mistaken. It’s her sister, Sallie Green, that I’ve been seeing.” “Well,” said Bill, “that makes no difference. I have my eye on both those & irls ” „ . • Looking For It.—Shortly after his arrival in London a youth found that he had lost his wallet, so he went to the nearest police station and reported the matter. “You may rest assured we shall not leave a stone unturned in our endeavours to find it,” said the officer. Next day the youth was walking through the streets, where the usual excavations were going on. “They’re keeping their word,” he remarked approvingly.

Quite So.—Wag: Next to a beautiful girl, what do you think is the most interesting thing in the world? Nag: When I’m next to a beautiful girl I’m not thinking about statistics, * * * The Pet.—Visitor: I suppose you are very careful about what you give your lovely Persian cat? Mrs. Brown: Oh, yes, indeed! I always let my husband taste everything before I offer it to her! * * * A Classic.—“ That last speech of yours was a classic,” remarked a friend to a popular orator. “Sorry,” replied the orator; “as a rule a classic is something that people admire but don’t understand.” * * * Assortment.—“So our engagement Is at an end?” said the saddened youth. “It is,” replied the fickle girl. “I suppose you’ll return the ring?” “Certainly, if you’ll call some night and pick it out." * * * Flattering Friend.—“ After I’d sung my encore, I heard a gentleman from one of the papers call out ‘Pine!’ ‘Fine!’ ” “Dear me! And did you have to pay it?” * * * Snappy Art.—Henry Peck: “Do you think you can make a good portrait of my wife?” Artist Schram: “My friend, I can make it so lifelike you’ll jump every time you see it” * * *

Decorative Bargain. —Lady (with black eye): “Look what I’ve just go* in your lingerie department" Unobservant Shopwalker (languidly): “Beautiful, isn’t it Pay at the deslj, please.”

Not Welcome. —Angus, a mason, waa slipping out of the yard to get a. “refresher” during working hours when he suddenly ran into the boss. “Hello,” said the boss, pleasantly, “were you looking for me?” “Ay,” answered Angus, “I waa lookin’ for ye, but I didna want tae see ye.” * # * (t Pays to Advertise.—Being requested to telegraph funds to a town in Germany, the girl behind the postoffice counter consulted the official guide. , .. After a long and fruitless search it was suggested that she was unlikely to find the town in the section devoted to China, where she was looking. “Not in China!” she retorted; “yon said Dresden, didn’t you?”

GATES AJAR Oh, shod a tear For Luther Stover; He tried to toot Two State cops over. —“New York Sun. Please wail one wail For Adolph Barr; He juet would drive A one-eyed oar. —“Macon Telegraph*' Bill Muffet said His car couldn’t skid; This monument shows That it could and did. —Newark (Ohio) “Advocate.'*

Value of Reform.—" You stopped smoking because she asked you to?” was the question put to a solemn-look-ing nian. “And you stopped swearing because she asked you to?” “Yes.” “And you stopped drinking because she asked you to?” “And you gave up your card parties and went into serious society for the same reason?” “Yes, yes, yes.” ‘And yet you never married her!.” “Well, you see, after I’d reformed like that' I found I could do better."