THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LIV, Issue 6900, 4 May 1929, Page 13

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Lucky Dog.—“ What’s that dog worth?” “About 350 dollars." "Who left it to him?” * « * Give 'Em a Chance. —George: “Do you believe in clubs for women?” Earl: “Yes, if kindness fails.” * * * Orthodox Believer.—Social workfer: “Do you believe in the transmigration of souls?” i Fisherman: “No, sir. I likes ’em fried in the ordinary way.” * * • 'Knows Her Fags.—“So on your birthday your wife gave you a smoker’s set. I didn’t know you smoked.” “I don’t, but she does.” Going the Pace.—She; “Where is your chivalry?” He "I turned it in for a Buick.”

Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship. —“When I was your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile walk.” "Well, I don’t think much of it, either.” Weighty Problem. —Wife: “Is that you, Rudolph?” Reveller Rudolph: “I’ll tell you, my dear, shoon ash I’ve looked in the jolly ole mirror.” « • « Second Aisle to the Left.—Floorwalker (at 1 a.m., to burglar in his home): “Silverware? Yes, sir. Step this way.” * * * When Mary Steps on It.—A long-leg-ged sheep in the Himalayas is able to run forty miles an hour. That’s the kind of little lamb to follow Mary nowadays. * * * Easy Target.—“Do you know Lord Heathmoor? I’ve often shot at his country seat.” “And did you ever hit it?” * * * Cures that Tired Feeling.—Members of a tribe in the Kalhari desert are said to bury their sick people alive, and we’ll bet that is one place where people don’t go around all (he time complaining about being sick. # * * Blindfold Test. —Cora: “Does that rich young man of yours write convincing letters?” Dora: “I can’t say. The case hasn’t gone to the jury yet.” ' * * * Afraid of Mrs. Grundy.—“Oh, gosh!” the girl exclaimed. “It’s started to rain. You'll have to take me home.” "Why, I’d—l’d love to,” her bashful escort stammered, “but you know I live at the Y.”

Continuous Performance.—A couple of rival but friendly shopkeepers were talking things over. “When does your opening sale close?” asked the first. "When our closing sale opens,” the second replied. _ » $ * * Hollywood Arithmetic. —“I Intend to marry a rich man or none,” an American film actress is reported, to have stated recently. Most of them decide to marry a rich man or two. * * * Alarming Surplus.—She! “Why so thoughtful, dear?” He “I have one dollar over this week and can’t remember which instalment I forgot to pay.” t Cutting Out the Waste.—ln our relentless quest for information we learned that xylothrihydroxgluthartic acid is made from peanut shells. So a use may be found for old safety-razor blades, after all. * • _ * \V „ Stumbling Blocks.—“Do you know, only two things prevent your becoming a great dancer?” “Indeed? What,are they?" •‘Your feet.” * * * Respected Infant.—“ Dear miss,” wrote a particular mother to the teacher, “don’t whip our Tommy. He isn’t used to it. We never hit him at home except in self-defence.” HI * * Making it Unanimous. Mabel: “Aren’t you crazy for summer?” Gert: “Yes, I Can hardly wait for the time to come when I can be as warm from my knees down as I am from my knees up.”

Ducking the Jawbreakers.—“ How i? Viola Vacuum getting along in the talking-pictures ?” “Oh, all right, I guess. She has a double for four-syllable -words.” * $ * Name, Please!—“l have somebody’s lawrimower.” “Whose?” “That’s what I want to know. - I’d like to return it and borrow a shovel.” * * * Playing the Brother. —“When you told Jack you’d be a sister to him, what did'he say?” “He had the nerve to ask to borrow my car so that he could take another girl for a ride." * * * . s ''; Knows the Worst.—“ Dearest, I must marry you.” . • “But havo you seen my father?” “Yes, many times, but I love you just the same.” * * * Calling Her Bluff.—Mabel: “Why so sad, honey?” Leora: “That big sap that I was going to sue for breach of promise wants to marby me now!” * # * Time to Calcimine.—A minister, in addressing his flock, began: “As I gaze about, I sep before me a great many bright and shining faces.” Just then eighty-seven powder-puffs came out. * • * i A Remedy.—Doctor: “Your wifej I needs outdoor exercise.” Husband: "But she won’t go out. What am I to do?” > Doctor: “Give her plenty of money, for shopping.” *• * * Fashion Notes.—Post Office Girl (to her assembled friends): “The evenipg cloak was a redingote design in gorgeous lame brocade with fox fur and wide pagoda sleeves.” Patient Customer (having failed, so far, to attract attention): “I wonder if you could provide me with a neat brown stamp with a dinky perforated hem, the toute ensemble delicately treated on the reverse with gumarabic. Something about lid.” • * • Polite Bridge.—They were having a rubber of "domestic” bridge after dinner. Among the players were the host’s grandmother and a French gentleman. After a few moments it becamb clear that the old lady had revoked, but, in order to avoid a scene, hbr grandson assumed the blame and apologised profusely. A short time later the aged player again, offender whereupon the foreign guest bowed gallantly and said, “Madame, will you have zis one wlz me?”

After the Cyclone.— Night club manager: “Where’s our bouncer to-night?” Hostess: “He tried to talk back to his wife, and they’re still working on him.” ■ -• * * * Financial Primer. Five-year-old Mary was teaching three-year-old Audrey the value of different coins: “That’s a dime; it will buy 'lots of candy. That’s a nickel; it will buy. an ice-cream cone. That's a penny; its only good for Sunday school!”

MORE SOCIAL TIPS When a young woman Is Introduced to a bachelor who says, “Tm very , happy to meet you,” she should say \ with a smile, “Lucky Is the word, old thing!” . , ... ... Should a young lady while out skating approach a gentleman who has come a cropper on the ice, she should say, “How do you do, Mr, Jones? Oh, don’t get up.” . . ± , * Frequently when one is introduced to a well-known person, one remarks, “I’ve heard a lot about you,” the wellknown person should r.eply lightly, “Well, you cant prove anything. —* “Boston Transcript.” ;