A JEST OR TWO

Manawatu Times, Volume LIV, Issue 6844, 25 February 1929, Page 4

A JEST OR TWO

Somewhere Else.—The wife of a famous English Bishop—whom we shall call John Smith —was recently very ill, and required a serious operation. As she recovered from the anesthetic, she was heard to murmur: “Am lin Heaven? Am lin Heaven? No, there’s John.”

She’d Try Anything Once. —He— “Do you like Mencken?” She —“I don’t know. How do yon do it?” * * * New Traffic Jam. —"ls your daughter popular?” “Popular! Why, I can’t park within three block of my house.” ♦ * * The Hope and the Risk.—“So you’re getting married again?” “Yes, and I hope I’ll be happier than I was the last time.” “Be careful—sometimes cno has a relapse which is worse than the original ailment.” * * * Tickling the Colonel. —lt was a dark night at Aldershot, and in the gloom could bo heard the sound of an approaching horse. “Halt! Who goes there?” barked the picket. “Regimental commander.” “Dismount, sir, and advance to be recognised.” Tho colonel dismounted and came over to tho picket, who presented arms with a snap. “Proceed, sir!” ho said. As ho laboriously got back on his horse, tho colonel asked: “By tho way, who posted you there?” “Oh, nobody, sir,” replied the picket. “I’m just practising.”

Done Brown. —"My wife Is an inveterate smoker. Why, three times she's set the bed on fire with her ciragettes. Would you recommend a suit for divorce?” "Either that or a suit of asbestos pyjamas.”

Sleeping Partners. —Nixon: You know my brother then? Dixon: Yes, we sleep in the same pew at church. * * * Bunch of Good Wishes. —Another serious social problem is what to send the florist’s daughter when she is ill. • * • Hot Air,—“How is your room heated?” “By hollering down and cussing at the janitor.” * * « Authoritative. Professor: These aren’t my own figures I’m quoting. They’re the figures of a man who knows what he’s talking about. * # * A Good Seller,—“Brown said he was painting now and had sold four pictures—he inherited his talent from his father. “Was he a painter?” “No, a picture seller.” * * * Doctor’s Orders. —David was not very well, and, as his mother crept into his bedroom, she whispered, “Are you awake, dear?” "No,” snorted David, “and the doctor said particularly I was not to be awakened to have my medicine!”

“He has crossed ths ocean in a yawl by his compass alone, always sailing to the west.” “But I thought a compass always pointed to the north?” —“Pels Mele,” Paris.

Pet Business. —“Ah manages i< laundry.” “What’s the name of your laundry?" “Liza.”

Like Balaam’s. —"Shut that door! Where were you brought up—in a barn ?”

The man addressed complied meekly and silently. The first speaker observed that he was in tears,, and, going over to the man, he apologised. “Oh, come,” he said soothingly, “you shouldn’t take it to heart because I asked if you were raised in a barn.” “That’s it, that’s it," sobbed the othei man. “I wqjs brought up in a barn, and it makes me homesick every time I hear an ass bray.”

“You sit three hours every day in the Literary Cafe! Why?’, . “One hour I wait for inspiration, one hour I wait for my lady friendsj and one hour I wait for my coffee. —“Die Muskete,” Vienna.

When a Kick is Unwelcome: It is easy enough to understand why men don’t waste any time trying to keep cider sweet, but hard to figure why they don’t think it is worth the effort to try to keep.their wives that way. • • * The Worm, —“My dear,” remarked Jones, who had just read a book on “The Wonders of Nature,” “Nature is marvellous! When I read a book like this it makes me think how puerile, how insignificant is man.” “Huh. said his wife. “A woman doesn’t have to wade through 400 pages to discover that.” * * * On the Air.—“ls it true that Mabel has a secret sorrow?” “Heavens, yes! Hasn’t she told you about it?” * * * Pot Hunting Barred. —In Chicago a plumber was shot while going to work. The best gunmen, however, scorn to shoot at anything but a moving target, * * * Interfering Static.— ‘Bobby. please stop that noise—l’m trying to gargle.”