CRACKETS

Manawatu Times, Volume LXIX, Issue 2565, 24 December 1924, Page 4

CRACKETS

"Daddy, where does a window have its panes?” ‘‘ln the sash, dear,” "That’s where I’ve got mine now.” I Tom: “I’d like to know what you 'mean by g-ctting engaged to Jim and me at the same time?” Su; “Why, there's no harm in it; neither of you can ; afford to marry me, you kndw.” Spartacus: “Do you And many , grammatical errors in my composition?” Smarticus: ‘"Not one. Every error I have so far discovered is decidedly ungrammatical.” First Flapper: "‘That conductor glared at me as if I hadn’t paid my fare.” Second Flapper: “What did you do ’’ “I glared back at him as though I had.” “I thought your husband objected to your coming on holiday alone?” “Oh, that was two years ago.” “Then he's changed :his views?” "No, I’ve changed my husband.” He: “I’ve a great mind to rock the boat and frighten you.” She. ‘‘Once before a young man like you tried that with mo, and the boat upset.” “And what did you do?” “I swam ashore and notified the Coroner.” Mother: ’‘And as soon as you close your eyes, my dear', the angels will come down to guard you.” Barbara (impressed): “And will they come right into this room?” Mother: "Yes, dear.” Barbara: “Then instead of having my apple on the dressing table, J think, perhaps, I might have it under my pillow.” The new butler looked sorely distressed about something, “Mr Jenkins,” ho said to the gard- . ener, "would you advise me what to | do ” "If I can,” replied the gardener. ■ ‘‘ls anything amiss ” “Well, it’s like this,” explained the ' worried-looking butler, "the master 1 left me strict orders to call him at six this morning, and —and he didn’t go to bed till seven.” Two women who claimed the same man ns husband were airing their troubles in court, • - ‘Who’s the skinny fellow over there?” asked a visitor. “He’s the bone of contention,” chuckled the attendant. Mary; "George, I have heard you spoken of frequently as a successful business man.” George: “Well I am that. Why?' - Mary; “Well, considering the fait that you have been visiting me foi three years, I. think you should maintain your reputation and talk business.” Mrs O’Neill; “P’what’s your son doin’ now, Mrs Rafferty?” Mrs Rafferty; “Sure’s he’s adopted the stage as a profession. He do be | a light comedian, Mrs O’Neill.” “A Maori comedian, is it?” Mrs Rafferty: •‘‘Yis. He stands beyant the back curtain, with his mouth to a hole forninst a candle, and whin Sharpshooter Bill shoots at th’ candle he blows it out.” The teacher was endeavouring to make the grammatical tenses clear to her class of youngsters. “My father had money,” she pointed out, "is in the past tense. Now, Grace, what tense would you be employing if you should say, “My father has money?” “That would\ bo pretence,” said Grace, while the class giggled. A woman entertaining a guest of some importance was giving final instructions to her maid. “Now, Polly,” she saidi "in the morning take a jug of hot water up to Mr Jones's room. Be sure not to forget.” The woman thought no more of the matter, until next day when, at I noon, she asked casually: “Of course, Polly, you carried that hot water to Mr Jones’s room this morning?” Polly; /beamed. I did ma’am. I was so afraid I might forget it that I took it up last night.” ".And what, my dear boy,, asked the minister, “do you intend to be when you grow up?” “A farmer, sir.” “Very good, Indeed —to supply the natural food —most good! And you ” turning to the second. "Please, sir, a schoolmaster.” •'■Even better. Filling the mind of the rising generation with mental food. Yes, even better. And ' you?” —turning to the third. “A,preacher, sir.” "The best of all, my dear little boy; for filling the soul with spiritual food \ is far worthier than either filling the mind or the body. And why do you wish to become a minister?” “’Cos we always have duck for dinner when the parson comes!” replied the boy. A fisherman who had been angling all morning saw a man coming his way whom he took to be the owner of the property he was fishing on. “Are these private waters??” he said, j “No,” was the answer. i “Then it won’t be a crime if I land a fish,” j “No,” said the other. “It would be a miracle!” Robson met Brown carrying a box of chocolates under one arm and a big package of meat under the other. “Hello,” he said. “I didn’t know you were married.” “I’m not.” "What are you doin,s with those chocolates apd, meat then?” “Going to see my girl.” i “Do you have to provide the family i with meat already?” I

“Oh, no, The candy is for the girl and the meat is for the dog-. I have to make myself popular -with both, of them.”