STORYETTES.

Manawatu Times, Volume LXV, Issue 656, 4 March 1909, Page 2

STORYETTES.

JUST THE BROOD OF US! Stealtliily the anxious farmer crept downstairs. For tlirec nights in succession chickens had been stolen from his run, and now, again, Jie had heard slight noises in tile yard. He would catch the thief red-handed. llist! lie took up his trusty gun, and proceeded upon his way out into the night, and- to the scone of the .commotion. A dark figure squatted trembling in a corner of the run. "Who's there?'' cried the farmer suddenly. ''Answer, or I'll shoot!" For a moment there was dense silence. Then a quaver arose on the niglit air: ''Please, sir, there ain't no one 'ere except chickens!" TEE KXIVES-TO-GRINiDOPHME. "Yes, darling,'' said the fond husband adluiringiy. "I have indeed a treasure in my sweet, thoughtful wife!" "I do try to be helpful to you," shti agreed, gazing up into his face. "I'm always thinking of something new. I've even found a new use ior those gramophone records you bought last week, auu which cost such a lot of money," "How clever you are!" he exclaimed. "What is vour latest wheeze?"

"In the first place," she began, "I hold a skein of wool over my arms, tic one end of the wool on a. reel, place the reel on the gramophone-pin, and then start tlie gramophone. iPresto! The wool is wound up in l llo time!" The. fond husband 1 gaped in admiration. "But that is not all," she continued. "To-moriw I shall place a little bathbrick on one of the records, start the gramophone, and so clean the knives." And he is still gaping.

ILL, VERY ILL! , Not a leaf was stirring, not a breath of wind was in the air, not a sound was to be heard. All the windows of No. 13 were closed, all the blinds were down; no smoke, even, issued from the chimney. The young lover approaching was •obsessed immediately by the infinite silence.

A young girl softly raised her window at his approach, and made, a sip for him to wait. Soon she was by his side on the green sward beneath. "S-s.h!" she whispered. "Don't make a noise!" "Why, what's the matter?" queried tne young man. "Is your mother ill?" "No*; not mother," replied the girl. •'lt's father." "And what's the matter with him? •Not scarlet fever?" "Worse!" answered the girJ, in an awestruck whisper. "He's trying to make an anagram for 'Answers!'" MORE FITTING. She was fair, fat, and forty, was Flo teiniboise, and she wanted to go to a .fancy dress' ball, and appear slim and ■tall in some dress—what, she didn't quite know. • "I think," she remarked, "Funniboise, that a role that would well suit your poise would be Helen of Troy," i' But he said—to annoy: "Why not Helen of Avoirdupois?" " WANTED—A LOFTER! "Ha, ha J" cried the humorous head of the house. "Here's a joke, ehildTcu! I drop this golf-ball into Pretty Polly',, nest, and Pretty Polly'will sit on it, thinking it's an egg!" His words were soon verified. The hilarious family soon had the pleasure of seeing Pretty Polly sitting on a Haskell and continuing the farce day by day. ■ ■ Presently, however, she began to grow suspicious. Parrot flesh and blood could stand it no longer. A fearful screeching brought her owner down one morning at four 'o'clock. "What's the matter, Polly?" he asked, as he noticed that the bird's beak was chipped through trying to get at the egg's interior. "Matter?" screeched Polly. "Why, I'm bunkered 1"

ONE ON THE WORKMAN. When Tommy was taking papa his dinner he stopped for a moment to watch a workman emptying a sewer, "That," remarked Tommy, interestedly, "is the grate my brother lost a shilling do™." i The -workman's eyes lit up. "Well, young man," he said, with a show of carelessness, "you'd better get forward with that dinner before it's cold." In about half an hour Tommy returned, to find the man still at the same grate. "Aro you quite sure it was this grate the shilling was lost in?" said the workman. "I am certain," replied Tommy, "because I saw my father get it out."

WHY THE BRIDE BRIDLED. It was 'their honeymoon trip, and, being simple, unsophisticated country people, they had come to London to pass that period of perfect bliss. So far, matters had gone well. The journey "up" was a four-hour affair, and, though they had not been the only people in their third-class carriage, there were six or seven tunnels; so that the time passed, on the whole, quite pleasantly. They were waiting on 'the platform at St, Pancras for the guard to bundle out their boxes from tho brake-van, when, a porter respectfully and expectantly approached them. ■ "Can I look after yer (baggage for yer, mister!" lie enquired. The red blood mounted to the young bride's cheek, and she turned angrily to her young husband. "Well," she exclaimed, "if ye ain't a-goin' to thrash him for roferrin' to me like that,' George, ye're no man!" 'fame in name'. "Well, John," said the kindly xectoi, who was on his way from giving old Mrs. Ilumblepup a benign bath-bun, to his coachman, who had received a present of a little son a few days before — "Well, John, and what are you going to name your little boy?" "Well, sir," replied the bashful parent, "I was thinkin' of 'Cicpro.'" "Cicero—eh?" said the rector, "Well, well, he was a great orator." "I dunno about horators," replied the coachman; "but Cicero 'e was a great 'oss. I won five, pound over 'im, I did!" AN EDITORIAL TRAGEDY*. The Storyette Editor sat in his den. and his visage was puckered and blue; he was wading through hundreds of chtfstnutty jests that were stale when the world was new. There were jokes of the plumber that Adam made when lie was a gay young spark; there were nautical wheezes by Mariner Noah when he sailed with the Zoo in the Ark, The old, old joke of the mother-in-law was repeated a score of times; it,

cropped up faithfully every day as often as "Bow Bells Chimes." And so did tho jest of .the gausageroll that baTked like, a thing' Of life. (Our Editor knew that identical wheeze was invented by Solomon's wife,) There were jokes about goats, about married men, about anglers and mythical fish; there were midsummer jestlets and Christinastide puns—a widely-as-sorted diah. And the Editor knew them all by heart; and it daily gave him the bile, to re-read the jokes that the Pharaohs told to the crocodiles down the Nile. But all of a sudden ho gave a cry, and he clutched in a palsied grasp a postcard, and eagerly scanned it through, then shouted, "'At last! At last! "A brand-new joke! Can it be, ye gods? Yes; it is! YES, IT IS,'I VOW!" Tlten something went "click" in his overwrought brain, and he's hi the asylum now. ' RIGHT AGAIN.' "Now, Arthur, come here and look at this lovely new silk dress of mine," said his instinctive mother, "Just look at the yards and yards of silk, and the beautiful texture, dear, and just think how much it must have cost!" "Yes, mamma," bleated Arthur. "Well, dear, I'm showing you this just to teach you a lesson, All this was provided by a mere worm,' 1 Arthur considered the proposition'for a moment,' Then he solved it. "Mamma," he said, "do you mean papa?" Dr. Jobson was a famous specialist. He had a mle—it expedited business—that each patient must divest himself of his garments before entering the private office for examination. Jobson grew very testy if this rule were disregarded. A man one day entered the doctor's office fully clad. "I don't know what you mean, sir!" said Jobson angrily. "All must remove their clothing before coming in here to me! That is my rule, and I'll request you to observe it!" With a hasty apology, the man withdrew. He returned in a few minutes, with nothing on. ' "And now, sir," said Dr. Jobson, "what can I do for you?" "I have called," said the _ shivering man, bashfully, "about that bill of Taylor and Taylors,"

£>ome> of the largest ocean steamers can be converted into armed cruisers in thirty hours. A camel can travel forty miles a day for twelve or fourteen days Without water and carry a load of 4001b, In the British Museum there are on exhibition books written on . oystershells, bricks, tiles, bones, and ivory.' Among the workmen of Holland, accident insurance is compulsory, and sickness insurance voluntary.' Children brought up on goats' milk are said to he immune from tuberculosis; There are 23,108 miles of railway line in the United Kingdom. For the nourishment of horses, live pounds: of oats, are equal to ten pounds of fresh clover.