CHRISTMAS QUIPS

Manawatu Standard, Volume LVII, Issue 10, 10 December 1936, Page 6

CHRISTMAS QUIPS

Was there ever n man who didn't grumble about the money his wife spent on clothes for Christinas? Yes, Adam. t Lt Takes Stew to Make a Quarrel: A man recently tell out with Ids wife because she insisted on serving hash. Lives of golfers all remind us, Wc can to,) and slice and hook, And departing leave behind us Words you won’t find in a book. Snowballs remind us that Christmas is the time when youth has its fling. Then there's the wine merchant who, when travelling on a liner, always books a cabin on the port side. Photographs of hands are to be popular Christmas gilts. You just snap your lingers. * * * * * THEY WORRIED. “Did you have much trouble learn-: ing the saxophone?” , ‘■Only from the neighbours.” ALL DONE UP. Mary had a pretty lace. She got it from her pop, Was he handsome? Not at all; He keeps a chemist shop. * * * * * ALL HE UEMKMHEREI). “Well, Lobby.” said mother to her j little son who had just returned Ironij the children’s Christmas party, “I j hope- you behaved yourself.” j “Oh, yes, mum!” readily replied I the boy. “And you remembered to say Acs,! please,’ and ‘No, thank you’?” she j asked him. “I didn't say, ‘No thank you,’ Init I J said ‘Yes, please,’ every time,” the child replied. ALL WENT THE SAME WAY. After Christmas dinner in an army | barrack-room the cookhouse orderly] appeared at the door. “Where’s the puddin’ cloths?” he j asked. “Cloths?” echoed one of the men.] “What cloths?” “The cloths the puddin' was done I up in,” replied be orderly. A gasp went round the room. “Lunime!” exclaimed one of the sol-i diers. “Was the cloths on?” NO WONDER HE CIASPED. j The jeweller’s assistant perspired; freely as he totalled up the rich man’s purchases. “Now that is four diamond rings, two sapphire and diamond pendants, five sets of pearl earrings, five diamond scarf pins, and six emerald brooches. That will be three thousand sis hundred and twenty pounds, sir,” he said. “Is that all?” “Not quite, lad.” said the man of vast wealth. “Toll me where I can get some crackers to put them in. SUITA RLE GIFT. Maiden Aunt (in large store): Now ] —or —want a nice toy. please, suitable for a small boy whose father is j very corpulent and unable to do any j kneeling. DEAD SECRET. “Can you keep a secret?” “Sure.” “I want to borrow some money.” “Don’t worry. It’s just as il I never! heard it.” SOUR. __ “Any empty soda or ginger-ale bottles to sell, lady?” inquired the man! at the back door. ; “Do r look as if I drank that stuff?” asked the housewife. I “Well, then,” continued the mail, “any vinegar bottles?” SALES. j “Did you know that f have taken I up story-writing as a career?” “No; sold anything yet?” “Yes; my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.” * HER OWN IDEA. On his toifr of an English district an inspector of high schools came before a class of girls. He wrote on the blackboard, “LXXX.” Then, peering over his spectacles at a good-looking girl in the first row, he asked: “Young lady, ‘l’d like you to tell me what that means.” “Lovo and kisses,” the girl replied. * # * * * AUDIBLE. A witty Parisian, in a friend’s box at the opera, was listening to “Tlinis,” or, rather, trying to do so, ior his ]i os less talked incessantly and deadened the music with her shrill voice. At the end of the performance she invited him to the opera on the following night. “With pleasure,” he replied, “I have never heard you in ‘Faust.’ ” WRONG MAN. .Male Straphanger: Madam, you are standing on my loot. Female Ditto: \ beg your pardon. I thought it belonged to the man sitting down. IGNORED. Conductor: Can't you see the sign says “No Smoking?” Passenger: Sure, mate, that’s plain enough. But here's another dalt sign that says “Wear Nemo Corsets,” so; j ain’t paying attention to any of them. THAT’S JUST IT. Husband: Didn’t I wire you not to bring your mother with you? Wife: That’s what she wants to see you about. She read the telegram. WORSE STILL. “Last week a grain of sand got into my wife’s eye and she had-to go to a doctor. It cost me a guinea. “That’s nothing. Last week a lur coat got in my wife’s eye and it cost me a hundred.” * RESTRICTED OPPORTUNITY. Gruff Father (to son): Why don’t you get out-and find a job? en L vour age I was working for £1 a week in a shop and at the end ol five vears I owned the shop. “You can’t do that nowadays, they have cash registers.”