NUGGETS.

Mount Ida Chronicle, Volume 26, Issue 1338, 15 August 1895, Page 3

NUGGETS.

A lady who had promised an old Scotswoman a present of a new bonnet called upon her, when about to make the purchase, to know what kind she would prefer, a felt or a straw one.. " Weel," said she, " I think I would rather have a straw one. It would he a mouthful to the coo when I am done with it."

Master either you or I was drunk last night." Pat —" Oi've a suspicion of that koind mesilf, sor." Master—" Well. Pat, you rascal, whi<-h one of us was it ? " Pat—'- Well, =or? O.'il not he casting any reflections, but Oi do be sayin' that Gi invied ye." The man who assiduously courts trouble will in the end be married to it. When linoleum or floor-cloth has been cleaned with warm water, the appearance ia improved by a small quantity of milk or sweet oil being rubbed on with a soft cloth used s a pad. The most sensible speech ever made was that of the man, who, during the Belfast riots, was asked by a mob what his politics were. He did not know which way his interrogators were inclined, but he looked at their weapons, their bludgeons, their fowlingpieces, surveyed all carefully, and answered —" Gentlemen, lam of the same opinions as that gentleman there with the big axe." Father Flym—" Why don't you have' your pig-stye further from the house. Googan ?' Googan '' Phwat for, yer riverence 1 " Father Flynn Googan -" Divil a bit, yer rivirence ; the pig never had a sick day since it woz born." Said a gentleman to an Irish soldier who had seen plenty of service, " Did you come out of the last Egyptian campaign without a scratch, Pat ? " " Not I, yer honour ! Once a bullet went right through there !" —and he pointed to his left breast. '* Surely not! Patrick ! It must have hit your heait if it went through there man!" " Och, yer honour, not at all 1 Why, me heart was in me mouth all the toime I "

Yorkshire Gossip.—First Old Gossip : " So you was niwer axed tut' funeral." Second Old Gossip: " Niwer as much as inside t' house. But nobbut wait till us have a funeral of us own. and we'll show 'em." A left-handed compliment.—Lady unexpectedly meets doctor. doctor 1 I have been so much better since you went away." Practice make 9 perfect.—" Coot night, Mrs Prown. I haf to sank you for de most bleasant evening I haf effer schbent in my life ! "—" Oh, don't say that Herr Schmidt." —" Ach 1 Bot Ido say dat! I always say dat!" Mistress (engaging new girl)—"l hope you know your place." Bridget—" Oh. yes, mum, I axed your lasht gir-rl all about it." Mamma. little lady while Mrs Hightone tried to amuse yon." Small daughter.—"Yes, mamma, I put my hand over my mouth every time I yawned." If feather pillowshavean unpleasant odour, give them a thorough drying before a clear fire. Cane Chairs.—lt will be well, when caneseated chair bottoms have •' sagged." to make them as tight as ever by washing them with hot soapsuds and leaving them to dry in the open air. " Mrs Muldoon," said Mrs O'Hara, "is it well ye're feelin' the day." "Yis, very well." " An' sthrong 1" "Yes, quite sthrong." " Then p'r'aps it's able ye'd be to bring back the two wash tubs yez borried last Monday." ~ • ' " Oh, my friends, there are some spectacles one never can forget," said an orator recently, after giving a graphic account of a terrible accident he had witnessed. "I'd like to know where they sells' em," remarked an old man on the outskirts of the crowd.

" What," asked a lady of some great man. " are your religious opinions ?" " Madame, they are the religious opinions of all sensible men." " And what are the religious opinions of all sensible men 1 " " That, madame. is what all sensible men keep to themselves."' It is less dangerous to slip with the foot than with the tongue. A story is related of a person, who told a Quaker that the silence of a meeting of the Society of Friends was enough to kill the devil, to which the Quaker replied—'' That it was the very thing the silent assembly were trying to do." Many a man has learned to do right because of the necessity of setting the children a good example. If milk is kept in a large shallow basin it will remain sweet for a longer time than if kept in a deep jug. ) It should be universally known that sand or flour scattered over burning oil will extinguish it. B very household in which lamps are used should have a small box filled with sand in some convenient comer ready for all emergencies. It has the great advantage over flour of being heavy, and not easily affected by draughts or currents of air. To wash silk ties, boil half a pound of bran in a quart of water for an hour, and then strain. Wash the ties in this water, keeping them quite straight ; rinse in salted water; and iron while slightly damp. Cleaning Windows.—A remarkable degree of brilliancy may be imparted to windows by cleaning them with alcohol and whiting. This will remove the most obstinate paint spots. For ordinary window washing a little kerosene in the water is an effective brightener.