FUNNY STORIETIES

Marlborough Express, Volume XLVIII, Issue 90, 18 April 1914, Page 6

FUNNY STORIETIES

MARY'S DAY OUT

''Good nowvs, my dear," cried asubIdgban resident to his wife. ""Mary Ann tried to light the fire with keroBesne, .and she has been blown .out of tSm window!"

,;;"Never mind," was the unfeeling fMjply,' "it's her day out."

AN AWKWARD SITUATION,

jA family had just sat down to dinner when news was brought of an Ktfnt's death. .

"Little Emily looked with longing e#es at the well-filled dishes, .and then Paid: "Pa, must we cry now, or can't .we wait until after we have finished pinner?"

GENTLE REPROOF.

.The lady gavo him a glass of vapaky. After Sandy finished his glass, he exclaimed: "Aweel; my lady, jfch^re was. never sic a thing in mv jy:bung days." .<■ i-'What,"said the lady,-in astonishjm&nt, •' 'no whisky ?'! '•Plenty whisky f but never sic a JWBe glass," replied Sandy.

PULLED UP

Biggs: .['Halloa; old man! How Bre:you? Haven't seen,.you for a lonf time. How's your brother doing— bas he pulled himself tip yet?" fiEggs: "Dq ; you know that my brother has given up smoking, drinking, gambling, and all bad habits, and bas gone to a quiet place in tihe eounfWhere?" Miggi': "To the graveyard." ■ ■.-'■-■. ■■• : ■

' FAITH. A little Southern girl who had had

a quarrel with her sister was very angry, and was vowing all sorts oi1 vengeance. Her aunt said to her, "You must not feel that way. Remember, the Bible says, 'Vengeance is mine and I will repay, saith the Lord.' " The child studied a moment, and then said, "Yes, but you know, Auntie, God's a gentleman, and he •couldn't do anytb ing to a lady!"

PINCHED THE LOT.

"Before buying *he pears, Mary, be sure you pinch one or two so as to be sure .they are not hard as rocks." Mary sallied forth to the fruiterer's with enthusiasm and a half-crown. She returned anon with a bagful of pea.rs, more enthusiasm than/ ever, and the half-crown still intact.': "I pinched one or two, as you told me," ehe explained, "and then, as the man wasn't looking, I pinched the whole bagful."

SCRIPTURE UP-TO-DATE

"Yes, sir/ said Dobbleigh, "hjorses are ruining my brother Tom. He's crazy about them. Just paid twelve hundred pounds for a pair of trotters." "Well, I don't know," said Billups. "How about yourself? What did you pay foa- that touring car of yours?" "Fifteen hundred," said" Dobbleigh. "But what——" "Well, you'd better not criticise the team in your, brother's eye until you have cast out the motor that is in your own eye," retorted Billups.

CAUSE FOR DAMAGES

"Say,;; Tom," said Jack, "did you know.that Bill was going to sue the company for damages?"

"No, you don't say!" was the answer. "Wot did they do to 'im?"

"Why,;" explained Jack, "they blew-

the quittin' whistle when 'c was cavrym' a'eavy piece of iron, and 'c dropped it on 'is foot."

HE RETURNED

One of the bosses at Baldwin's Locomotdve Works had to pay off an argumentive Irishman named Put, so he saved discussion by putting the discharge in writing. The next day Pat was missing; but a week later the boss was passing through the shop and he saw him again at his lathe. Going up to the Irishman, he demanded fiercely: "Didn't you get* my letter?" "Vis, sur, Oi did," said Pat. "Did you read it?" "Sure, sur, Oi read it inside and Oi read it outside," said Pat, "and on the inside yez said I was fired, and on the outside yez said, 'Return to Baldwin's Locomotive Works in five day®."

' PARSON AND THE PRESS

A South Wales minister recently paid a great tribute to the press. The little town in which his chapel * stands had been visited within a short space of time by several catastrophes, all of which, with, -hairrowfng details, had been, duly exploited in the papers. The minister was moved to make the misfortunes of the townsmen a subject of prayer. He knelt in the presence of his congregation, and began fervently: "0, Lord, doubtless Thou hast learned" through the papers of our recant and-grave afflictions."

WHEN THE LIGHTS WERE LOW,

A country vicar was giving a Christmas party for the old people of his parish. ■ Before tea the lights were lowered, and the words of the grace thrown by means of a lantern on to a screen.

The village baker, who was contracting for the occasion, appeared .nonfc too happy during the meal, and towards the closs he- passed a .pencilled not© to the reverend gentleman in the chair. It* read as follows:—

"Please don't-turn down the lights to sing grace when tea's done. I quoted one and threepence a head for all that they 00-uld eat, and didn't take into consideration any lanterns. Sausage rolls is a temptation to some people in the dark.

; ."P.S.—Just. notice how John Kelly's lefti-hand pocket bulges."

ROOM ENOUGH. A theatre in "one night" towns is always called by the natives the Opei-y House," and is usually up one on- more nights of stairs, the stape furnished with dim lights, and the dressing-room with nothing. In one of these "opery houses" in southwestern Missouri a certain theatrical manager found but one dressingroom—a large apartment beneath the stage.

"Where are the other dressingrooms " he wanted to know: "Thers ain't any others," returned tho local impressario. "Well, what are we going to do? I have a large, company of ladies and gentlemen, and they cannot dress in tins one room." • .

"What's the matter?" returned the Missounan. "Ain't they speak-in'?"