FUNNY STORIETTES.

Marlborough Express, Volume XLIV, Issue 256, 5 November 1910, Page 6

FUNNY STORIETTES.

FORCE OF HABIT. Traveller (in a railway carriage, to fellow-passenger): Sir, what do you mea.n? ' This is the third time you have put' out my match. ' " " Fellow-traveller: ' Force of habit. I'm a , member> of a volunteer' fire brigade. ' f

RATHER ROUGH. At the dedication of a new fire engine in a little provincial town on the east coast of England the following toast was proposed:—'May she be like the dear old! maids of. our village —always ready, but never called for.'

NEWSPAPER PUNCTUATION. A stranger in a printing office^ asked the youngest apprentice what his rule of punctuation was. "I set up as long as I can hold my breath, and then I put in a comma j- when I gape I insert a semicolon^ and when I want a chew of tobacco I make a paragraph.

I HAPPY DAYS. Mr Brown: "Don't you remember, dear, when your father forbade me the house?" Mrs Brown: "Yes, and ! I scared father into thinking I was in 'a decline?" Mr Brown: "And I , made up my mind to go away and die?" Both together: "Weren't I those, happy days!"

I A SPRING CHICKEN BON MOT. The rooster in the yard of a country boarding-house called an old hen aside. . : , "You want to look out," he saidj 'kindly; "the proprietor told his guests yesterday Tie would give them a spring chicken, and he's laying for you." "Well," she sighed, resignedly. "I presume I hare no right to object. ,I've been laying for him a good many 'years."

WHY HE WAS SILENT. Her husband was out walking with her for the first time since she had got her new haV'satisfactorily trimmed. "Isn't it a perfect dream of a hat?" she remarked. "I said," she 1 repeated^ after some \- moments of silence, "isn't this a dream of a' hat?" Still isilenoe' f rom the man. Then she ventured reproachfully: "Why don't you say something?" "My dear," he answered, «"you seemed to enjoy your dream so that I was afraid of waking you."

"queer egg story. The following tale comes from America:—Three little chicks belonging to W. B. McCracken picked their way into the world after an unusual experience. For thirteen days the mother hen had been busily attending i

to her duties when a hungry snake drove heir from the nest and gorged itself with three eggs. The snake lingered* about the premises; arid McCracken shot it. Wondering at its odd proportions he, performed an operation, and found the eggs. They were placed back under the pen, and at the end of the regulation time were hatched.

ANOTHER CUSTOMER. Looking more' needy and seedy than ever, Sir Percival Lackcash strode into his son's costly tailor's. The proprietor welcomed him with a beaming countenance. "Ahem !" choked Sir Percival, Bart, "My son informs me that you have permitted him n to run. a bill here for three years. Is that correct?" "It is, Sir Percival," fawned the proprietor. "Well, I have come " "Oh, pray. Sir Percival," oozed the proprietor, bowing and kowtowing before the noble bart. "I assure you there is really not the slightest hurry." . . "Quite so," returned the impecunious baronet, serenely. "And, as I was saying, I have come to order a suit of clothes myself."

THE ONLY THING LEFT. He had never fished before and his rod was new and shining with resplendent varnish. Faultlessly attired, he was whipping a trout stream when, by some odd chance, he got a bite, a one-gounder, from the way the line strained. He did not play the fish at all. With rod held straight ahead be slowly and steadily reeled him in.. Presently the fish was directly below the end of the rod. Did he stop? No—he kept on reeling the fish in, and finally the fish's head touched the tip. The man even tried to pull him through the ring. Just then he saw a man standing on shore, and turning with a bewildered look he said, "What shall Ido now?" "The only thing you can do now," the man said, "is to climb up the pole after him."

LOOKING AFTER HERSELF. Mrs Jennings was in the habit of keeping everything in order for her husband, who, instead of looking upon these little services in grateful and appreciative fashion, was rather inclined to minimise their value. "I am perfectly capable of looking after my belongings if you would only let them alone," he said one day in a kind of injured tone. Mrs Jennings smiled a r IGNORANCE. Th»i» are thousands of people who suffer from common ailments, such as Gout, Indigestion, Rheumatism, Biliousness, Neuralgia, Jaundice, Lumbago, Sick Headache, Backache, General Debility, Sciatica, Gravel, Blood Disorders, Stone, Anaemia, Bladder Troubles, who have no idea that their suffering is due to a diseased or inactive condition of the kidneys and liver. The i i-*ason that ' treatment by Warner's | Safe Cure has been so successful in | cases of the disorders nameTl is that j Warner's Safe Our© exercises a specific healing and stimulating influence upon the kidneys and liver. Once the kidneys and liver are restorsd to health and activity, the uric and biliary poisons, which cause the disorder, are removed from the system by the natural channels, and pain, due to the retention, of the poisons, ceases. A descriptive pamphlet will be sent, post free, by H. H. Warner and Co., Ltd., Melbourne, Vie. Warner's Safe Cure is sold by all chemists and storekeepers, both in the original form and in the cheaper, "Concentrated," non-alcoholic form, each containing the same number of doses. For Constipation, take Warner's Safe Pills. For Diabetes, take Warner's Safe Diabetes Cure. For Asthma, take Warner's Safe Asthma Cure. For Nervousness and Sleeplessness, take Warner's Safe Nervine.

tranquil smile and said nothing. "And you don't always put things in the right place by any means, my dear," said Mr Jennings, with increased emphasis. "You knew I wished to start off early this afternoon for a twenty-five mile spin, and yet here is my road-map—without its cover, too —on your work-table. I shall be back in time for dinner." And with an air of victory at this timely illustration of his point Mr Jennings pocketed the sheet of paper, creased in many folds, and stalked out. Mrs Jennings opened her mouth as if to call after him, but thought better of it and smiled again. An hour later Mr Jennings, having lost his way, seated himself on a shady bank ten miles from his home to consult—a paper covered with tracings,: beneath which were the words "Seven-gored skirt. Size twenty-three. Forty-two inches!"