THE SMILER.

Marlborough Express, Volume XLI, Issue 134, 8 June 1907, Page 6

THE SMILER.

"Is he out of danger?" " No; the doctor still attends him."—Cleveland Plain Dealer. " I admires a man," said Uncle Eben, " dat keeps hopin' foh de best. But I doesn't like to see him sit down 'n' call it a day's work."—Washington Star. Whyte: So you went to that specialist for your rheumatism. Did hegive you relief ? Browne :He relieved me of ten dollars.—Somerviltet Journal. HELPING GUILD. The following appeared in the advertising columns of a newspaper at Newark, New Jersey: — In the Spring the young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. RICHARD F. HOPWOOD, Justice of the Peace, 36, Clinton St.. Open evening, 7.30 to 10, for niaiL-*—«««; riages. THE MOST PUZZLING THING. "Willie," said a loving mother to her five-year-old son, "come and" seethe dear little baby dove." "What a funny little thing," remarked Willie, "where did it come from, mother?" "Out of the egg, my darling. Isn't it wonderful that a real live bird' coufd get out of an egg." " I don't see anything wonderful about it getting out," said Willie, carefully examining the delicate broken shell. " But I think it's rather- , funny how it got in." CHIPS OF THE OLD BLOCK. He rejoiced in the not very humorous name of Wood, and he prided himself on his jokes and smart repartee. Few of his friends had escaped the lash of his tongue, and he had victimised many by his practical jokes — in fact, he never lost an opportunity of being funny. One day he met a friend whose name was Stone, and naturally a name like that was too good a chance to miss. " Good morning, Mr Stone." he said paily; "and how is Mrs Stono and all the little pebbles!?" "Oh, quite well, Mr Wood," was the reply. " How is Mrs Wood and' all the little splinters?" THERE wAS NO SAYING. Recently two gentlemen were driving along' a country road in a waggonette, when a spark falling from one of their cigars set fire to the straw in the bottom of their vehicle. Soon- ■ the flames drove them from theirj seats, and while they were busily engaged in extinguishing the fire a countryman, overtaking them on horseback, stopped to assist them. " I've been watching the smoke forsome time from behind you," he remarked. " Why on earth didn't you shout out to us?" they asked, in natural indignation. " Why," replied the sturdy farmer, "there are so many new-fangled' machines on the road nowadays, I thought perhaps you were going by steam." QUITE SATISFACTORY. Magistrate (to prisoner): You were, seen by the officer dodging about th& back streets and evidently trying toavoid meeting anyone. You were, therefore, arrested by the said officeron the charge of being a suspicious^ character. But, be that as it ma.y^ as yoxi appear to be a respectable pe*son, I will discharge you from thecustody of the court if you can give a satisfactory reason for your suspicious actions when arrested. Prisoner (brokenly): I—L—was. wearing, your honour, for the first time, a necktie, a birthday,—present— from—my wife, and I waa afraid to meet any—" Magistrate (promptly and decisively, but visibly affected): The prisoner has the sincere sympathy of the court, and is honourably discharged. MISPLACED PHILANTHROPY. J. G., Phelps Stokes, the philanthropist, spoke with good-humoured regret at a dinner in New York of a charity that had failed. "But it failed. through its own fault," said Mr Stokes. "It failed because it was mistaken. It. suggests to me an experience of a friend -of mine in Ireland. k> " My friend, at about this season last year, was motoring through a remote region of Ireland, and one day he came 'upon a poor old woman seated, with all her humble furniture about her, in the middle of the road before her little cabin. " My friend was profoundly moved. Here, before his very eyes, an eviction, a real Irish eviction was taking place. He got out of his car and gave the old woman a £5 note. " 'Tell me, he said, ' what is the trouble, my poor friend.' " Bobbing and courtesying her gratitude, the old woman replied: " ' Shu re, sir, me ould man's whitewashing.' " POOR BILL. A medical man humorously relates the following little experience, admitting that he didn't think it particularly funny at the time. The driver of a 'bus on which he bad jumped happened to mention the name of one of his patients. "It's a bad job about poor Bill, ain't it, sir?" " Yes," returned the doctor, "very serious case. You know him, then?" "Know him!" echoed the driver. "We went to school together. Poor Bill! I shall miss him." "Oh, well, while there's life there's hope you know," said the doctor. " Your friend isn't dead yet." " No," gloomily returned the driver, "but I 'card as they'd called yotfc in this morning. Poor Bill!" WHAT STUMPED PAT. Pat had just arrived from Ireftwid;.* and as lie was walking away from-the. Quebec docks, he met an American, who. was on his way to Dawson. H:a asked Pat to go too. Pat at first would not go, but w;,*en the American told Mtn he mighfc got rich there he reaUily consented!* They Avent by degrees, catching a. free ride at any possible chance-,. When at last they arrived, in tli^ goldfields they- staked their claims; and settled <|o\vn to business. Tlv?y ring for some time, bivt without sweeps. At last they determined to g-iv« it up. Pat was very low spirited, as he was out of funds. They determined to quit the next day. That I evening, as they were talking it over, the American, thinking to crack a joko on Pat. said: " Why could riot I dress you up as a monkey and exhibit you?" " Wa-al, where'll we get the other man?" Pat innocently replied. "What other man?" asked the ! American. 1 "Why," rejoined Pat, "the man | to tell which end of the string the 1 monkey's on,".—-Judge's Library,