"LIFE'S' FUN AND FANCY.

Mataura Ensign, 29 November 1911, Page 7

"LIFE'S' FUN AND FANCY.

THE AMERICAN HUMORIST. ARE YOU A PESSIMIST? If so now is the opportunity to join one of the greatest clubs in the world —every possible discomfort — dues moderate considering what you get for your money.

The recent formation of a national ■club for pessimists is attracting universal attention. It has generally been felt that there should be some place where pessimists can congregate, in order to get away from all tlie alluring pleasures of the world. Pessimists everywhere are joining. In case you have not yet become a pessimist you should join the club at once, as it affords the greatest facilities.

You come in contact with nobody but pessimists. This in itself is a great help.

The rules of the club are as follows: No smiling allowed on the premises. Anyone not complaining of meals and . not saying that the service at the tables is the worst he ever has seen will be fined. Cheerful remarks should at once be . reported to the head' cynic. Applications for membership should be accompanied by a full account of applicant. He is liable to be blackballed if proved that he has led a cheerful life. Somber clothes should be worn by members. Members are expected to confide all their troubles to fellow members. > If members absent themselves for over a week from the morbid atmosphere of the club, it will be taken for granted that thev are *>nioying them--aelves elsewhere. Their cases will be immediately looked into. Married! men can have free run of club at all hours of day and night. Before entering the club every member will be required to read through -from Beginning to end, Burton's Anatomy of Melancholy anil Schopenhauer's complete works; also the words and music of ten American comic operas.

The following letter has just been received. W"e give it in full, as it illustrates better than our weak words what the real meaning of the club is: Dear Sir: I have been a member of you club for a week and can conscientiously say that I never—thanks to you—have been so happy in ' my life. Before joining, I was very much worried about myself because I found l as I grew older I was becoming cheerful at times. This feeling of worry, which was more or less spasmodic, has now given place to a deep and settled melancholy, as I know now that I never shall be lighthearted again. Since joining your club the bottom has dropped out of everything, and I haven't a friend left in the world. Your table alone would make a chronic dyspeptic out of a Sandow in three weeks. God help us all! Gratefully yours,

What is our object in forming this club Not to make money! More money would insure a life of ease — something that we instinctively shudder at.

No! A thousand times no!

Our object is to unite all pessimists. My combining, we shall be able to enter uipon. a vast propaganda, and gradually •convert everybody to our own view. efforts never avail.

Fellow-members, as you go abroad, you may perchance notice some poor, .misguided being smiling unconsciously to himself. Do not hesitate. Step up to him and warn him that that smile may be his last one. What hope is there, indeed, for any of us? This is a fleeting world of trouble and! sorrow. There is sadness everywhere, if we did but attract it to • ourselves.

When you first arise in the morning, look at yourself in the glass and say:

I will not forget myself once

I will bear constantly in mind that I shall probably be run over by something during the day and permanently injured. Disease and death are all about me. "No hope! No hope!" shall be my •constant thought. Look inward, not outward; downward, not upward; be a grouch! Terms on application. —N.Y. 'Life.' Cats in Kansas. The medico-political guardians of the health and happiness of the people of Kansas recently emitted a catcall to the effect that cats within the confines of that great State must be shaved and kept shaved. At first blush one suspects that the order involves all cats, including pole, bob, pussy, torn, wild, house and others, but on more careful inspection it is seen that the species "house'' is the one referred to. It is plainly evident that bob and pole are not included, not because of the short tail of the one or the short notice of the other, but for the far. more significant reason that they have not been detected in the villainous act of conveying diptheria. crooked teeth, adenoids, freckles, sniffles and indigestion to innocent children in their soft, deceptive coats. This order from the official health overseers and life savers of Kansas is replete with wisdom and solicitude. The facts that malignant germs are carried! by the millions and that shaving is the remedy, are made very clear, j but contrary to the custom of the) life saving crew, not one word of ex-1 planation as to the proper method of! procedure is given. j The modus operandi is entirely ig-1 nored. Will barbers undertake the job and at usual rates? This One is on Hugh.

"When I came into the Union station the other morning, after travelling all night," said Hugh lteilly, at the Commercial Club, "I Avent into the barber shop. 'When you spend the night in a sleeping car,' I said to the barber, 'lt ■doesn't improve your personal appearance, does it?' " 'Well,' said he, as he looked me over, 'I don't know how you looked ■w'hgjfcyou started, but perhaps you're irigviv "