AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING

Mataura Ensign, Issue 1413, 19 November 1904, Page 2

AN EYE FOR EVERYTHING

(Isy Cyclops.) Now that the Parliamentary session has closed, everyone breathes a little, more freely—the ordinary person because no Act has been passed stipulating the moment he shall rise irom his lowly couch ; what unioiint of porridge he shall consume for his ■breakfast, and if none, why not. The. business man because he is still permitted to keep his shop o|H-n for a few hours live, days a week. The. mothers of families because the (lovcrnnient has not yet decided to take the feeding and bathing of babies out of their hands und place them under Slate control or the Gothenburg ostein. The lover of peace and con.-ord because another bulbous era of strife and llatulent cackle has como to an end ; and I myself because now possibly some security of tenure may be conceded assuring a vacant plot on the leader page for my occupation at least once a week. Xo one in his sane and sober senses ever searches frantically for work. He may keep his lamp trimmed and ready in case they meet, and having met he will be doing less than a duty he owes to humanity if he neglects to wrestle his labor with all the ardor beneath I is command. Hut having put his hand to the plough one resents being cuiled oft' to dig post holes or to spread lime, so thai in my own ease v. hen thoroughly immersed in an occupation of so distinctly ucsthctiic a nature as lilling th c void yawning here or hereabouts, the blighting effect upon one's ambition may be gauged when such circumstances arise as receipt of hasty intelligence on a I-'rida.v night that two slicks of new advertisements have dropped like manna from the noble clouds ; that a concert and dunce report has uiicvpoclodly come to hand, that an important clipping de iioitnciijg ili,. liovcrnminl has l.ceii discovered in a paper wrapped round tin- machinist's dinner, therefore (he printer thinl-s he will be unable to lind room for am thing else, and so one had bettor ..„ to bed early j„,d come down in good time next tn unto lend ,-, hand in cleaning up t|„. yard, as the dustman has been order-> '•i|. When Parliament closes down pressure up,,,) the space of every newspaper of any pretensions is suddenly removed, and the generals in command of the empty columns must perforce rely upon the of "I'ro llono Publico," "Indignant Mother." "Working Man." and the lest of him or her to make hoth .ends meet. Toilers like nivs. If, ]re vioiisly put („ the scorn of' indefinite postponement, are welcomed vith open chases and bidden to invade as much territory as is compatible with the dimensions of the subsidy ,ilae,.,| Upon their efforts by the proprietary.

Tin- versatility of members of t|,,. nvirauc newspaper stall' is not i'ulb appreciated liy the laity. From |h',. proprietor down to i!„, |„,n ~,.-;..<( youth who brews the office jinstc thcv comprise a mass of interchange able parts. ICvrry unit has its iiikl.im!u,h . The literary stali' has probably grjl'iabil in t)w composing room or .-1.-.-has been taken on oat of pity. In either case i( may In- relied upon w «.<.n the necessity demands to oust u-idr its purple and line linen or their equivalents to join in ihr iiiii'luii)i"a! '••'"'■ lto 1 P faith with n public which <\|.,vts its pap.'t- at a cert tin time whet Iter it expects ever t„ ])a y for it or not. Jf tin- religious <-oii tributor is ulwnt at Synod the sporting editor will fill his role, mis tainitig tlii' oliice traditions with in finite credit to himself and to the entire satisfaction of the paper's clientele. The poultry expert and pm cine authority will attend a soei.il function a,,,! return uith a faiili/il and graphic record of the exact nam her of chill'on bows and muslin pumworn by every lady present. The advertising manager is wan-tinted to mend a broken galley press or lo write up a column of mothers' hints on the washing of blankets, the making of inexpensive wholesome slews. and the care of children's teeth with ispial facility. The foreman printer can dash oIT a sub-leader on the political outlook or the necessity for meat inspection if there is a corner to be Idled and Ho one else to lill it Kvery romp, worth his salt can patch up a riekctty spring: I m and nial■:• it look as though Kipling h u< l |; m | in the next street but one. I'vei; the printer's devil )s capable of turn big out a racy little paragraph now and then beginning "What might l.avi. been a .serious, if not fatal, airid-it . • • • •" and concluding. "Where niv the police?" Therefore the public is assured that whatever disaster may occur, so long as there is one ..inn and a piece of string left uninjured in any par.ticular ollice that paper will go to press on those days notified by its billheads, signboard and p.uve! labels. Journalism manifests an intense state of democracy under wjii.ii merit only is recognised. There Is no other test of membership, save perhaps an ability to wear old cloi.hcs with grace and abandon, and a capacity to think in millions for tic country's welfare, suppressing private speculation and wonderment where Sunday's ilinmr is to come from if meat should happen to rise in pri< < during the week.

-Vacunluj-'s future Xtw Zenluudci must In.* revised ami brought up 10 (lat.>. Instead of his beijii,' ilu> ordinary soi t of mortal clad (us -Macuulay's prtiplii-tii.' virion do doubt depicted liim) in cord pants, a red sliiit, cabbage tii-t- hat and largo c(io-(H', standing on a brol.cn arch of London bridge, he will, so fur as no van now ascertain by a vi-p forward, be a whie/y, scraggy cuss, silting- de.-pondently on un empty preserver keg, with eucalyptus on liis lonely breath, u pure liver pad ucross his ribs, assorted eorn cures ornament ing his exiled feet, and four hairs waving listlessly upon his head, each til.' product of "a different brand of scalp ihvigorator, waiting for a new blood tonic factory across tin- way to oppn in order to sample its wares be fore the rush sots in. The colonies uro n veritable gold mine for the compounders of patent medicines, and our faith in their efficacy is of that voltage bcarinif the reputation as being a lit and proper medium to remove moun tains. That we aro none (lie .corse for the thousands of gallons of liipiid remedies and the lons of pills animal - ly consumed is evidenced by the con tinned low death rate. The only coll elusion available is that if much o! this medicated swill does no good, at least it is tin. occasion of very liltle harm. If one reads carefully nil the ghoulish litifalure thai is prepared in tliii subject he will be consumed with doubt whether his system is liung"i' ing for an electric bell, for a gros< of death-denying drops, or for a lucre pill or so, and will not bo comforted until treated with the nvplisili? mixture. Ho who contracts (he patent medicine habit usually goes Dm 'viiole hog fortifying himself, jointly end severally, with everything- that comes along, from remedies for heart failure to specifics for warts. I'nfortunitoly for thoso who deal ill such compounds the Government has enacted that ull patent medicines sold in the oolony must havn the ingredients with their proportions sot out on the label. Ingot her with a statement whether or not (hoy contain poison. This will J rob them of their chicfcsl charm—-

that halo of mystery which invariably proves so powerful an aid in stimulating faith toward* effecting a cure No man would insult his battered . lungs by deliberately attempting to preserve, them in glycerine, camphor water and squill* ; neither would 1,0 endeavor ,„ restore a Highly hair or two by means of rosemary and solution of sugar-cane. Such physic, unmasked would promptly be thrown to the dogs, and. deprive] „f t)l glamor of splendid possibilities w\ ae ahead ol its use. „e h \ uniM degenerate „,(„ « community of bilious, sciatic wrecks, having' U mi conhdence m every human artifice '""king for the relish of life, „ lld longing only Tor the time, when bv a process „f evolution t|„. nml'for lungs, livers and other inside has passeil and existence mav Iw sup ).,rted by means „f a Hvl ut siorc ', fa and a hatpin. Anyone readjitg between the pills can plainly „,„ tllttt in ol)nlM ,.'.i 01l with this particular matter the tWeminent is ridjng for a fall. Subi-is sue, as these do not properly e omc w.lhta the scope of practical polities, and legislation of so inquisitorial a nature is certain to be followed by a revulsion of popular hvling, y,£. sonaliy. I ,|„ „ot ,-are n snap whether the Government is defeated on its land policy or on a no-confidence motion relating to lly-papers so long as it is made to totter from its proud throne within the nest viar '/'" V vo ; s, "' ( ' lv ''"' '"■"I' 10 of N,w /•■aland have few enough unrestricted privileges without encroachment being instituted upon I heir rights to imagine a bottle of dark brown herbal infusion will give them u new pancreas for that old one of theirs which in scarcely lit lo be seen? Hut having determined upon Itiissinnising (| lo country, why stop at announcing the contents of patent medicines? Why not complete the process and :nnU every baker issue a sworn affidavit with each bun ho produces ocrtifviiur that to the best „f his knowh-dge' and belief the statutory number of ct,rrants, duly audited and found correct, had been inserted? Why not compel the careless dairym.au to declare that the hairs in his butter ritniii from healthy cows? Why not require the coffee manufacturer to guarunteo that the toasted breadcrumbs with which his wans ure blended ivere taken from a 21b loaf of full weight ? Why not attach to most of the strenuous supporters of the J.ibcral purty u lubel setting forth the fact thut they ure heavily adulterated with billet-hunting instinct* and thut, being fully loudod with the. lust for fame at bargain prices, they may go off at uny moment to the Legislative Council? Why should the maker of pills worth a guinea a box be compelled to disclose the secret of his livelihood, while the backwoods publican is permilled lo retail snake juice at si'ipenco per bite under the alias of whisky and no one to n-y him nay? Legitimate private enterprise receives no encouragement in this country. The man who fends for himself with any degree of success is cither srruffed out of his prosperity by a yelling battalion of inspc-lors, or else thc llovernnient passes a bill which shoos him into the bankruptcy eouit. Hy and by. perhaps, we snail line made to wear fii.-tian vests and our womenfolk prunella boots. Then (nut not till then, apparentl>) the colony will rise in its great wrath and -nuff out the tvrannv of Scddonisjn ivith a remorseless thud.