Wit and Humor

Mataura Ensign, Volume 9, Issue 642, 11 February 1887, Page 2

Wit and Humor

For an • example of pure and unalloyed contempt, take a barber's opinion of the man who is growing a full beard, . .„ It is singular how early 1 in life^a child gains the reputation of resembling its richest and best-looking relations.A paper says :— " A child was run over by a wagon three years old, and crgsa-syed with pantalets on, which never spoKe afterwards." "Telegraph blue" is a new oolor. It ifl the shade: of .man's face^ wh^he get? a telegram that nis bank" has stopped' payment. "A man is known by, the company he keeps." " Yes," said the theatrical manager, "and a company is known 1 by' taV men it keeps." '.; A Lesson in Optics. — Teacher: happens when a light falls info ito&Water at an angle of forty-five degrees t Pupil : "It goes out." Somebody enquires 'vvhy tapping the face of the barometer makes the hand move. If anyone were to tap his face wouldn't his hand move ? One of the first thoughts pf .a truly enterprising, and sagacious I>dys%#iSphifi family moves next door to, a lolly shop, is to have his pockets ma ; de' larger. A Queensland court has decided that marriage contracts made on Sunday are valid, on the ground that they come . under the head pf "Works of necessity ,an<|charity." If you don't believe in tjtie strength of insect life, watch the velvetty little 1 bumble bee with the tropical polonaise, and see him lift a fourteen stone picnic , man out of the grass. •« Mr. Skinflint, I have brought the account for your late wife's funeral. The expenses amount in all to £4 55." "What, four pounds five shillinge ? I almost? wish now she had not died I" ■ •• -- - . i..>A butcher's wife had twins. He at once announced the fact to a friend as follows !— "I write in great l haste tb inform you that my wife has just presented me with a couple of twins. More next time I " ..._.-,■ " Have you any nice fresh farmers' eggs ?" inquired a p ! recise'-bld : lady^at'j»^grocer's shop. "No, ma'am," replied theft practical clerk, "but we have some very good hens' eggs." She took three to try. A country publican has hit on the happy idea of calling' his shanty ," Nowhere," so when his married customers go home late and happy, and are asked where they have been, they can safely tell the truth. , t . At the Police Court.— Magistrate (recently appointed) : " Prisoner, your name and surname?" Prisoner :". Anybody can ace you are a new chuni. .All the others, know me well enough when they see me; 4r " How many quills does it take to make a goose?" asked the funn^jr 'schoolmaster of a young lady pupil. >M One will usually suffice, if he uses it to write a love-letter with," she answered. He never smiled again. " Are you superstitious, dear *" said Miss Biddy M'Ginnis Id her new Ibver,s '.' * Not a bit ; but why do you ask ?" replied ttie youth. " Nothing, except that you aTe the thirteenth fellow to whom I have been engaged." A country editor gives the following case of absence of mind : ;*"vA; ; gi£l wh,Qe*ws|jone of our first loves wa9 one v riignt lightifig" us out after having passed a delightful evening. In bashful trepidation she Mew,' us put and drew the candle behind the door and kissed it. John Smith now accounts for the origin of his name. He says that whence world began everybody was named '" Snvjth, and whenever a man acted as a. rascal he was tossed out and given another name, The papers tell of a baby; bom without brains, who died in a few minutes. Nothing remarkable about his being born. The wonder was that he died, instead .of. growing up and going to Parliament, as many ap. Judge : " Prisoner at the bar, nave you anything to say before judgment is passed upon you 1 " Prisoner : . *\ JL. ..w,ou,Ut entreat your lordship to consider my counsel's miser able speech for the defence as an eScteauating circumstance." At the Picture Gallery.— Mamma : " Gerty, dear, why do you always. iookut the corners of the paintings ?" Daughter : " I want to see the artist's name first, then I know whether I am to admire the painting or not I" A contemporary asks : What are the street lamps forT The man who doesn't know what a street lamp is for is hardly lit to sit in an editorial chair and. mould, publio opinion. Street lamps are for weary young men to recline against at midnight when they forget the way home. > ? \ ; " My dear," said a sensible mari -to his wife, who for the last hour had been shaking her baby up and down on her knee, '• I don't think so much butter is good for the child." " Butter 1 I never give my little JSirtie any butter : what an idea 1 1 " "I mean to say" you have been giving him a good feed of milk out of the botlle, and now you have been ani hour over churning it ! " At a Crosß-Examination. — Counsel (to witness) : " Are you closely acquainted with the prisoner?" Witness: "Certainly; we once worked together in a bank." &i " And when was that ?" W. ; " About three o'clock one morning last spring, when none of the other bank officials were present." Counsel asked no further questions. Corporal Atkins was one evening going ! through the roll-call before the men, retired [to rest. "Smith," "Present;" "dftnes," " Present ;" &c, until he came to*,, bis pwn name : " Atkins," no response. Turning to his superior officer he said, " Atkins" is, missing." " Mark him absent, then," implied the officer, gravely. And the corporal actually did so, when the boisterous . laughter that resounded through the barrack-room made him aware of his singular blunder, There is a man on a weekly contemporary who has such a hatred to monarchy that ha won't wear a crows to hiahat. .