Wit and Humour.

Matamata Record, Volume XVI, Issue 1446, 31 July 1933, Page 3

Wit and Humour.

CUTTING. I Head of Firm: That’s a very I ancient-looking coat you’re wearing, ' Mr. Jones. \ | Jones: Yes, sir; I bought it with the last rise in my salary. A NEW DEFINITION. j Teacher (to pupils): Can one off you give me a sentence with the i word “ avarice ” in it ? "I t Bright Pupil: We are going to av-a-rice pudding for dinner to-day. f j WHAT HE WANTED. j “ What does my little man want | to buy to-day? Sweets?” asked the! kindly shopkeeper. j “ You’re right!” exclaimed Johnny, “ but I’ve got to buy soap.” OF COURSE. The rancher beckoned to his foreman. “ Jake, I wish you’d ride into town and get the correct time.” “ But I haven’t got a watch.” “ A watch!” the rancher roared. “ What do you want with a watch ? Write it down on a piece of paper!” AWKWARD.

Hostess (to small guest): Do have some more, dear. Child: Well, mummy told me to say, “ No, thank you,” but I don’t think she could have known how small the first helping was going to be. ONE FOR THE OTHER. Two middle-aged men were discussing the question of health and how to keep “ that boyish figure.” “ The doctor I consult tells you to play golf for your health,” said one of them. . “ And if you already play golf, what then?” asked his friend. “ He tells you to stop,” replied the other.

DEFINED. A banquet is an affair where you eat a lot of food you don’t want before talking about something you don’t understand to a crowd of people who don’t want to hear you. ASKING FOR TROUBLE. A life insurance agent approached Rastus the other day. “ Better take out a policy, Rastus.” Rastus (emphatically): No, sah! Ah ain’t too safe at home as it is. INEXPLICABLE. The manager of the travelling concert party gazed glumly at the audience—five, all told. “ I say, old man,” he whispered to the comedian, “ how do you account for this? We’ve never been here before, have we?” HOSTILITIES. Sweet Young Thing: Colonel, you must have had some narrow escapes in your time. Colonel Tiffin: I did, my dear. Sweet Young Thing: Did you get that scar during an engagement? Colonel Tiffin: No, I got it when I iroke it off.

THE REASON. Daughter: Papa was in a jolly good temper when he went off this morning. Mother: Mercy! That reminds me. I forgot to ask him for any money, STILL TRYING. Purchaser: You told me that in three months’ time I wouldn’t part with this car for three times the price. Dealer: Well, you’ve had it three months and you haven’t parted with it, have you ? NOT EXPECTING TOO MUCH. Passenger: Is this train ever on time ? “ Sir,” replied the guard, “we never worry about her being on time. We’re satisfied if she’s always on the rails.” TAKING SIDES. Hughes: I seen you’ve got another parrot, Mason.

Mason: Yes. You see, the other belonged to my wife and I thought I’d get one for myself. Hughes: Do they both talk ?

Mason: Oh, rather! My wife’s says, “ You’ve dropped some ash on the carpet, George!” and mine says, “ The bacon is burnt again, hang it!”