Wit and Humour.

Matamata Record, Volume XVI, Issue 1442, 17 July 1933, Page 3

Wit and Humour.

AN “ALSO RAN.” Husband (at the races): Let me back one more horse. I promise it’ll be the last. Wife (gloomily): It usually is. IMAGINATION. A famous painter was walking down a London street one day when he saw a pavement artist drawing a work. “What sort of fish is that?” asked the painter. “ A shark, sir,” was the reply. “Have you ever seen a shark?” “No, sir.”

“ Then how can you draw a shark if you’ve never seen one?” persisted the famous painter. “ Well, sir,” replied the other, " don’t some of them Academy blokes paint angels?” KINSHIP. “ Robert,” said the teacher, to drive home the lesson which was on chaidty and kindness. “If I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him from doing so, What virtue would I be showing?” “ Brotherly love,” said Bobby. JUST CARRY BRICKS. “ Well,” said Pat’s friend, “ how do you like your new job?” “ It’s the foinest I’ve ever know,” he returned. “And what do you have to do?” asked Mike. “ I’ve nothing at all to do,” said the other. “ I just carries a load of bricks up the ladder to the bricklayer and he does all the work.” BANANAS TO-DAY. It was a bitterly cold day, and the hawker pushing his barrow was not feeling in the best of tempers. Presently an old lady came out of a house and beckoned to him. He stopped. “ H’m,” she murmured, after gazing at his stock for some time, “not much here.” She picked up a bunch of bananas. “ Not ripe,” she sniffed. “ ’Course they’re ripe,” returned the hawker with some warmth. “ I tell you they’re not,” she persisted. “ They are hard to skin.” The hawker gasped. “ Crikey,” he ejaculated, “ what do you expect for three for tuppence—bananas with zip fasteners.”

POLITICAL MOVE. Political Speaker: What we need 1 is a working majority and then Voice: Better reverse it, mister. What we need is a majority working. THE DIFFERENCE. “ Pa,’ what’s the difference between a statesman and a politician ?” “ A statesman, my son, wants to do something for his country; a politician wants his country to do something for him.” IN THE DARK. A man greatly esteemed by his employers informed the cashier that a mistake had been made in his wages. He had been given ten dollars too much, he explained. The cashier, after counting the contents of the envelope, said it was correct, his wages having been increased by instructions from the management.

“ How long have I been having this?” was the next inquiry of the man—a husband, and the proud father of two children.

“ The alteration was made three months ago,” rejoined the cashier after a glance at his books.

“ The cat!” ejaculated the man And she never told me!”

“ NOT SO.” Tourist, in lovely rural spot: No doubt you get many visitors here seeking peace and beauty? Inhabitant: Well, sir, most o’ the ones I meet is seekin’ tea and petrol. A GENEROUS NEPHEW. “ Those poor little boys next door have no mummy or daddy, and no dear Aunt Emma,” said a mother to; her little son. “ Now, wouldn’t you dike to give them something—just a little present? ” “ Yes, rather,” he replied quickly. “ Let’s give them Aunt Emma.” PUT ASIDE. A man looking at some neckties tossed one or two aside rather contemptuously. Lingering after having made his purchase, he noticed that the clerk put those he had so positively rejected in a separate box. “We have orders to keep such ties apart from the others,” the clerk explained; “ that is, after they; have been turned down by several cutomers, as these have been.” “ What becomes of them ? ” inquired the other. “ We sell them to the women who come in here to buy ties for men,” was the reply.