A Hopeless Attempt.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 2279, 22 September 1899, Page 4

A Hopeless Attempt.

The occasion was a horse-stealing case, and the witness was an ostler, who alleged that he had been at work alone in the stable-yard when the man who had stolen the horse came in.

Counsel, in cross-examination, tried to get at the exact words of the conversation that followed.

Counsel: 'Yoa were in the stableyard at work, and defendant came in. Well, what then?' Witness: 'When 1 seed 'un come in, I ses, ses I, ' How about that hoss V and he Bed he'd give me ten shillings to zay nothing about 'un.'

Counsel : 'He did not say he would give you ten shillings.' Witness: 'Yea, 'a did, sir; that's axackly what 'a did zay.'

Counsel: 'He could not have said ' he'; he must have spoken in the first person.' Witness: 'No ; I wuz the fust pusson that spoke. He comes inter the yard, and I ses, ses I, ' How about that horse?' and he sed he'd give me ten shillings to zay nothing about it.' Counsel: ' But he did not speak in the third person.' Witness : ' There wuz no third pusson present; only he an' me.' Counsel: ' Cannot you give the exact words that he used?'

Witness: 'Zo I have ; I've told yer.' Judge (interposing): 'Listen to me. He could not have said ' He would give you ten shillings to say nothing about it,' but ' I will give you ten shillings.'' Witness : ' He sed nothing about your worship. If he sed anything about your worship, I never heerd 'un. If there was another pusson present, I never seed 'un.'

The cross examination at this point was abandoned. Peas and Pepper. One day in the early summer, when some 'commercials' had met as usual for dinner, the waitress appeared bearing a small dish of peas. She apologised for their being so few, and explained that no more could be obtained.

Immediately the dish was set down it was seized by a "grabber," who emptied the whole contents on to his plate, saying: 1 As there are not enough to go round it would be a pity to part them, so I'll take the lot myself.' Thereupon another traveller, seated opposite, quietly took up the pepperbox, unscrewed the top, and poured the whole of the pepper over the peaß, with the calm remark :

1 As you have got all the peas, yon may as well have all the pepper too.' A murmur of applause went round, and from that day the grabbing one found it convenient to alter his line of route and take a diflerent journey. Like a Sausage. Some time ago the writer was sitting at home with the rest of the family, enjoying a book in front of a blazing tire, when his sister entered with a little dog under her arm. ' What ho !' said a younger brother ; • here comes a freak from Barnum's !' ' How dare you ?' said his sister. 'He's a nice little fellow. I've just bought him for ten shillings from a man up the street ; but he told me that he is not a thoroughbred dog. The next thing is to find a name for him.' The witty youngster didn't give the others any chance, for he cried out: ' Let's call him ' Sausage.''

' Ridiculous!' said the owner. ' How can you call him 'Sausage?' There is no sense or meaning to the name.' ' Oh, yes, there is,' said her brother. ' You said he waß a half-bred dog. Well, what is a saasage ?—nothing but half bre(a)d.' Needless to say we all enjoyed the joke, and up to the present day the terrier is still called 'Sausage.' Had Wings, But Couldn't Fly. At an examination in a village school a class of infants was being questioned on natural history. After several questions, the inspector asked :

' What bird that comes from Africa has wings but cannot fly V

The class was dumbfounded

Thinking to encourage them, the inspector offered a sixpence to the little boy or girl who could tell him. After a few seconds' hesitation, a little girl of four years put out her hand. 'Well, my little dear,' said the inspector, ' what is it?' ' Please, sir, a dead 'un !' Cool. Scene : Local refreshment bar at railway station. Commercial Traveller: 'A glass of bitter, please.' Second Commercial (who is fond of his glass, immediately following): 'A glass of bitter, pleas-.' Barmaid brings in the hrst glass of bitter, which is taken and drunk by the second commercial. First Commercial (in surprise): 'I bet; pardon, but that was my bitter.' liarmaid brings in the second bitter. It is again taken by the second commercial, who apologised by saying : ' I really beg your pardon, sir, but if that last was yours, well, this must be mine I Your very good health, sir.' A Tricky Customer. A wag went into a tish shup, and asked the proprietor if he had two cixpences for a shilling. The proprietor, being a very obliging man, answered, ' Yes, with pleasure,' and handed over the two sixpences. 'l'll give you the shilling when I have one,' replied th« intruder, walking out of the fhop, leaving the proprietor too astoundwd to stop him.