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Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 2278, 15 September 1899, Page 4

Wanted her money's worth.

An Irish lady called on a photographer to have a cabinet portrait taken. When the artist removed the plate, he told her she need not sit any longer. On coming out from the dark room he found her still bolt upright in the chair, with that look of petrified despair on her face peculiar to the photographic pose. 1 You needn't sit any longer,' said the frightened artist. ' What's that ?' she hoarsely whispered, without changing a muscle. ' I say you needn't sit there now —I have finished,' he exclaimed.

1 Ain't I to pay ye three and sixpence?' she interrogated, in the same guggling tone, with her eyes strained on the mark. 'Yes.'

' Well, then, do ye mane to say I'm to give ye three an' sixpence for only five minits in the chair '? Begorra, I'll have a full tin minits fur the money, an' that't little enough in all conscience !' And she had it. AN lEISH EXCUSE. Mick: ' That is a foine trick you played on your woife and family, Pat, goin' away for three months and not lavin' thim a boit or sup, nor sendin' any money to thim.' Pat: 'Now, hould yer tongue, Mick, and I'll explain it all. Yez mind that case of Rafferty's comin' afore the court three months ago ? Well, I was up as a witness, and 1 was tuk afore an ould man with a long curly white wig, and he says, says he, ' What 8 yer name ?' says he. ' Pat Murphy,' says L ' Whatjs yer trade?' says he. 4 Bricklayer's labourer,' says I. ' Swear,' says he. ' Damn yer soul,' says I. ' Three months,' says he. Now, Mick, how could I support me woife an' family for that three months V DIED AND RE-DIED. After the battle of Custozza, a soldier, supposed to have been killed, was entered on the books of his company : 'Died on the 20th June, 1866.'

A few days afterwards it turned out that he was still alive, and the honest quartermaster made the following entry : ' Died by mistake.' At length there came a letter from the ministry of war, announcing the death of the man at the hospital, when the quartermaster recorded the fact as follows : 1 Re-died by order of the ministry.' AN EYE TO BUSINESS. An old minister at a certain village was in the habit of paying unexpected calls at the school, and pulting the pupils through their "facings." On one such occasion the minister asked the class if there were any prophets nowadays. This was a poser to the majority; but one bright little fellow, the son of a pushing tradesman, eagerly extended his hand.

' Well, my lad, are there any prophets?' asked the minister. 'Yes, sir,' was the answer; 'small profits and quick returns, father says.' A LEAD MONOPOLY. When Hatfield shot at King George 111. at Drury Lane Theatre, Mr. Hoi royd, the King's plumber, who sat next Hatfield, caught his arm and thus probably saved the King's life. £oon after, when he was inspecting some repairs at Windsor Castle, he was thanked by the King himself for his promptitude and coolness on the occasion. ' But don't think, Holroyd,' said he, in a jocular way, ' that I imagine you were actuated by more than your usual loyalty; you were only determined that no one should serve the King with lead but yourself.' HAD ENOUGH. A portly lady endeavoured to skate at Niagara, but she suddenly sat down, making a noise like an iron safe dropping from a sixth-storey window.

A gentleman ran to her assistance, and, as lie helped her to her feet, he remarKcd : ■ I presume you are skating for the tirsttimeV ' No, for the last time,' replied the disgusted female. PADDY AND HIS HORSE. 'I say. Paddy, that is the worstlook ini? horse you drive 1 ever saw. Why don't you fatten him tip f ' Fat lnm up, is it V Faix, the pore baste can hardly carry the little mate that's on him now,' replied Paddy, with a grin.