WIT AND HUMOR.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 2229, 7 October 1898, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

A Dangerous Collision— Running int' deDt. Epitaph for a Cannibal—"One who low; his followmen." A married woman should 1 i•-• t be missed, for she's a Mrs. Don't pick out for your friend a mai whose dog won't follow him. The strains of a song are often spoiled by the strain of a voice. It must be very painful for the jailer v. ho has a lot of felons on his hands. A good many men believe that when they have borrowed five shillings they have earned it. A promise is about the ordy thins you are supposed to give and keen at the same time. Fact About lie- Sex. -It i - al'-.v-.l that aft- r .. Aoman has pass-d :in she : s proud of her age. What is the difference h-tween a hungry man and a glutton'.' -- < >n • longs in ».at. ami tli -other eats ton long. A man is always a hero to his wife becuim- she knows h-- wouldn't have proposed tu hi r unless lie was very brave. She : I ninth- this cak- for ymi. d.-ar, all by myself. He : Po you mean to tell me that you had no ao omp!k-.-s'.' Why is the letter P. Die most peaceably disposed lettT in the alphabet'.'— Reoauso it can u.nvdi u fiend int" a friend. Pdako : What a singular ehin that old follow over there has. Laic- : Singular'.' 1 think it's plural. It's a double ehin. Miss Sim pi.- : Hum d" you suppose he came to propose, to ue-? Miss Spiteful: i lot rirc-d of talking about the weather, ..robably. flrnee Ingle : You ask me to marry you 7 Can you not read your answer ; i; my fare'.' Ned Navvr (erueliy) : V- s: n is very plain. "11, do.-sn't p.■••iT! to know his own uiirid." 'i don't wond-r. No doubt, hi gets it confused with the m.- his wife : .-■ always giving hire. A Realist.—Mamma : What kind of a dollie do you want. Mildred. ■ Little Mildied : i want one that will cry when i spank her. 'l'lijnipr.nn says he is very jealous of his reputation." "Well, lie has reason to b-. I wouldn't trust it for a moment if 1 had it." "What are you crying for. little boy'.'" "T!ecaus« I've been whipped." "And what were you whipped for'.'" "Heoause I was crying." Algernon : Tommy, do you think your sister would many me': Tommy : Yes; she'd marry almost anybody, from what she so id to me. He : What a wretchedly bad play! I won.li :■ th-- people don't hiss it. She : Well, they can't very well yr,\vr-. and hiss at the same time! She was (h- apple of my ey - N'.i (boughl of mine d'-eried h--r: Rut n-'W we're married, and, oh tie! She's turned to sour, hard cider. i.ilt! • Gild of four (standing entranced before the window of a toy-shopl : Oh, ir.oth-r. if yon was my little girl, v.-i'uldn'i I take you in and buy you some of those lovely things! The tli'""- .meat virtues w-'ve always known, Learned at our mother's knee; Rut this is t'v- way George thought it ran—"Faith, hop,;-, and eh- rry-tree." Junior Partner : Do you think the new olliee-u.y is trustworthy'.' Senior Partner ; I'm sure of it. I've noticed tiis.t when lie hasn't anything to do he never pretends to be busy. Profess-:' ; Margaret, pleas- take the '•as out "f the room. I cannot have it making such a noise while T am at work. Where"is it'.' Margaret : Why. sir, you lit- sitting "l". it. Th" teacher was telling them about the different seasons. H- asked : "Now one of yon boys, tell me which is the proper time to gather fruit'." "When the dog's ehain-d up." replied Johnnie. Ft'i. nd ; Did your husband provide for that monument in his will'.' Widow : Why, of course, he did. You don't sunpos.o he'd have got such a monument as that any other way. do you'' Customer fin shot; storei : Will you warrant those shoes good? Proprietor : Yes, madam: if you don't find them as ••-.•; is I t-l! ymi. you bring them back, aval s'll in die them good for nothing. The Doctor : Queer saying thai ibout truth lybit! at the bottom of a. well. The l.a-.vyev . You wouldn't think so if you Luc, tli- amount of pumping we law-;.-;s Sollietiliies have to do lo S':t at it. The Ace. pled Time. -"Pa. can 1 go to th- circus'.' ' "N". my s-m: if you're a • :,„,.! boy, you won't want to go to the ch-ens." "Tlii n I'd l» tter go whih I'm !, :: [ ,-.;,:-. a te enjoy it, hadn't 17" ilobb.- Doesn't it give ymi . kind of humble L'e.'lin", b> m>-et a girl >"'•■' used Ui I ugug-d to bmg ago'.' Xopps : V. s; always makes m- wond<;-r whvther ;,..,- (■.-• • us. d to be ;is had as mine was. II,!- [nterpr-tatioii. - "Heavens!" > li ! -i.-ked the heroine. "1 am undone!" Tone auav. Si!" audibly remarked the , ; |,l huh in the audience, as sh- arose; i : ,in'i ~-goiii" t- r v\at<-h any dis.robin' ■i i.,.-i'i K! i-iie. if I marry yea will you . ; ,i ,;;;, and leak- the fires in the morn\,.:X'- ' 'i'criing girl, we will get mar-.-j,~i hi ih. siimmi r. Pi-fore winter you ~ a, ■■,■■ i,s-<! I- th..- id-a of mnkii.g the ■y, ;: ;.a,! me me this hors- had. won I, ■:•■ ;i ,i ,;. .. matches .mains; some of the ',.,.■! hors-s ia tin eoiinto. He can't ;, .■ ~ ••■:': in six ru'uiiU.t-s to save him." "|i u;.- mi i-iou-hiTv; inate'n-'-s that he ..,. m- ; ,^sa." A I'-nsiderab Oirl. -Maud -- "Why ;, ; , . \.,i; -h-own Clarence overboard?" ;,! ~'(-. ■•! couldn't marry a man with a .-.-. 1;,.., m .-. " Aland- -"How did his -,. .... -..; i okerV" Ma'lg-- "1 struck ',' a Ida; i. - ;enn!s." "Ii has i.., n asserted that kissing ■ in : ,:y : !.- psia" remarked Mr Gaswell. "That should be valuable knowledge for a newly-married man." replied Mr Dukarie. "Why"'' "With his wife's kisses I hi can (ii'mt( ract the effect of her cooking." I Bylesby—"l wish you joy, my dear sir.

As an old friend of your lather's, permit me lo Fay that you will always look back on this day as the happiest in your life.** Lamson— "Thank you: but it is to-mor-row 1 am to be married." Blesby—"l ■ juice understand that." Christopher North had a great hatred at the "Old cto' " men who infested the street?. Coming from his class one day., a shabby irishman asked him in the usual confidential manner. "Any old cto\ c ; r No." replied the professor, imitating the whisper; "no, my dear fellowhave you?" "Maud I am almost afraid to go and see your father." "You needn't be Harry. When he asks you if you can support me in the style to which I have been accustomed tell him that you ca» support me a great deal better than he> could ever have done if it hadn't bee» for mamma's money." INCOMPLETE. "I sent back thai cumbinaion rollinjf pin. meat chopper, egg beater, potat» masher, oak" cutter, chum, and biscuit cutter. Bridget didn"t like it." "Why not?" "No bicycle came with it."—"Chicago Rcord." THE WRC .<-. STATION. The Tramp—Yes. ma'am, T am a firat believer in the Biblical declaration that heaven will provide. Lady with Mole on Her Nose-WeH. just pass al«»ng to the next house. THE HEATHEN. Little John (after casting his pennr" into the fund for the Bamalam Islanders)—l wish T was a heathen! Sabbath School Touched—Oh. Johnny. Why do you wish such an awful thin* as that? Little John—The heathen don't never have to give nothin' —they are always gettin' somethin'.—"Harper's Bazaar." An old gentleman, speaking to a younglady and commenting upon her freshness and good looks, remarked: "Ah, my dear, may you long retain them. Yours is a happy period of Hi'": you know nothing yet of the pealousies. the, heartburnings, the contentions, the rivalries that beset the pathway of existence." "Don't T. though 0 " she Interrupted. "I want you to understand that I to a ehrrrh choir." Mistie.-s: "Hid anyone call while t was out?" Servant: "No on", ma'am. '■>:--. p| in-: n tramp. He wanted something to -at. and 1 told him there was* nothing ready, and that he'd have to wait till tie- leddy of the house got back from the cookery class, and then, mebbe, she'd make him something." Mistress: "Of .-ill thine:-: Did he wait'."* Servant: "No, ma'am He runned!" Go! Defined.— Just before the risingof the London law court-', a case involving the playing of golf was heard, and ,a Queen's counsel engaged in it thus described, for the instruction of the judge. the ancient and royal game—"l believe. my Lord." he said, "that the game of golf is played m irregular fields or waste grounds with a small ball, which the player tries- to hit with a stick. If be succeeds in hitting the ba.U he spend* the remainder of the day in looking for it. That, as lam informed, my Lord, is the game of golf." When in Canea, Crete, a party of Seaforth Highlanders (wearing kilts) were one day marching- through a sm&ll. wr tobed-looking village, and as usual the inhabitants turned out to stare at them. With the intention of raising a laugh amongst his comrades, a big, burly Seaforth shouted out to a group of" Turl'S, "Gti ■ hair.e.y- dirty blackguards-. an' scrub yerscls." imagine ins astonishment, as well as that of the remainder of the- Highlanders, when a ragged and evil-looking Turk shouted back h> reply, "<;.. home yourself. Scottish dog, and cover yourself up." It was after- - wards found out that this Mahommedan had spent several years in London.