WIT AND HUMOUR.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 2169, 13 August 1897, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

A boy's conscience is that part of him which prompts him to eat all the sweets to keep them from making his little brother ill. Hoax: Do you believe that thirteen is a fatal number? Joax: Well, all the people who lived in the thirteenth century are dead. It is characteristic of many a woman that she will walk by a dead dog in the street with tears in her eyes and three stuffed wrens on her hat. "I am in hopes that you will pay me that LlO before the end of the week, Smithson." "That's right, old man. Be hopeful, but don't be sanguine." Maud (who lives next door): What was that terrible noise I heard about twelve o'clock last night? Mabel: Papa dropped a hint for Charlie to go. Bilkins: How are you and Miss Smarte getting on? Does she smile upon your suit? Wilkins: Smile upon it? She actually laughs at it! Mr Surley (savagely): Tha* confound-, ed baby is always crying. What's wrong with him? Mr Surley (sweetly): He's got your temper love. Ferocious Visitor (entering office): See here, boy, I've come to lick the editor. Office Boy: You won't like the job. He's just been tarred and feathered. Magistrate (to lady witness): What is your age? Witness: I'm over twenty. Magistrate: You must tell me the exact truth. Witness: Between twenty and thirty. Magistrate: But when will you be thirty? Witness: To-morrow. Too Easy.—"Have you any trouble in meeting your creditors?" Hard Up: No difficulty whatever. Meet 'em everywhere, old boy. Where He Got It From.—First Stranger: I say, that's my umbrella you have. Second Stranger: I don't doubt it, sir— I don't doubt it. I bought it at a pawnbroker's. Accounted For.—Tucker: That sailors' chorus was awful. What was the matter? Stage Manager: The tare couldn't get the right pitch. An Added Attraction—"Pooh!" exclaimed the sentimental girl at the play. "Why, that actor is hugging and kissing his own wife." "Exactly," replied her practical sister. "That's why I like to come. It's so remarkable." The Reason Why.—Teacher (severely): Tommy Smith, come here. Why* haven't you learned your geography lesson? Tommy: 'Cause the papers say there's going to be a change in the map of Europe." / HE GOT THEM. "I heard ye were on shtrike," said Mike to his friend Pat "I was that,"' answered Pat. "A shtrike for what, Pat?" "For shorter hours, Mike." "An' did ye get them?" "Sure we did, Mike. It's not workin' at all I am now." Most of Tliem Are.—Mrs Nuwed : Bridget, why do my dishesi.- disappear so rapidly? Bridget: Shure, ma'am, bekase they're breakfast dishes, I'm afther thinking. Feminine Caution.—She: I think you had better send for another rat-trap, John. He: But I bought one the other day. She: I know, but there's a rat in that one. Too Young.—Old Resident: Yes, sir; I'm eighty years old, and I walked thirty miles t'other day. Could you do that? Average Man: No-o, not yet ; I'm only forty. Understood Them.—"l wish to see a bonnet," said Miss Passy, aged forty. "For yourself, miss?" inquired the French milliner. "Yes." "Marie, run down stairs and get me ze hats for ze ladies between eighteen and twenty-five years." Bonnet sold. NO FRIENDS. * Cashier at Bank: You will have to bring someone to identify you before we can cash this draft. Got any friends in the town? Stranger: No; I am the doglicense man. DETAINED ON BUSINESS. A Familiar Sound.—Husband: What did you think when you heard the chandelier fall in the night? Wife: I thought you had been detained on "business" again, and were getting upstairs as quietly as you could. MANAGED BY KINDNESS. Discerning Child (who has heard some remark by his father): Are you our new nurse? Nurse: Yes, dear. Child: Well, then, I am one of those boys who can only be managed by kindness, so you had better get some sponge cake and oranges at once. OPPOSITE THE PUDDEN. In Norfolk, at a feast given at the end of the harvest, the hostess, thinking to honor one of the principal men, asked him to come and sit at her right hand. "Thank you, my lady, but if it's all the same to you I'd rather sit opposite this 'ere pudden." Not Just What He Meant—She: Goodbye, and do remember me to your wife. 1 hope she hasn't forgotten me. He: Oh, indeed, no. She has an excellent memory for old faces.

Bluff Honesty.—Customer (to barber): Can you give me a decent shave. Barber: Yes, sir; yes, sir. In my shop, satisfaction is guaranteed, or whiskers returned. "Isn't she a queer girl? She keeps a parrot, four canaries, and a monkey." "That's nothing. I know a girl who keeps a secret." "Does your family sympathise with you when you have insomnia?" "Yes. When I can't sleep I sit up all night and practice on my accordion." Unwarranted Delay.—He: Darling, I have loved you ever since first we met. She: "Well why didn't you say so long ago? Did you think I was a mindreader? Husband: How do you like the view? Wife (with ecstacy): Oh, I am speechless! Husband : Well, if that be so, I think we'd better stay here for a while. "How old are you?" The lawyer gruff Found in her glance an icy spell; Quoth she—"l'm young; yet old enough To know far better than to tell." Mr Pepper: I don't believe there was a dry eye in the house when the curtain went down on the third act. Mrs Pepper: No; but there seemed to be the usual number of dry throats. A story is told of a juvenile witness—an intelligent little girl—who, when asked by Lord Chief Justice (Ireland) Lefroy what would happen if she did not tell the truth, replied, after a pause, "I suppose I should not get my expenses."