WIT AND HUMOUR.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 2090, 31 January 1896, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

In some things a crank is most

ntcessary—a bicycle, for instance. He: "She's the picture of health, isn't she ?" She: "Yes—a painted picture." "I see you have a glass eye, Pat." "Yes, yer hanner; but it's a swindle, sir. I can't see nothin' out of it."

"I don't see how many lawyers manage to live." "Where there's a will," rejoined the attorney, "there's always a way." He: "Do you know, I think you are a most singular girl ?" She (coyly): "I assure you it isn't from choice." Agnes: "Well, I want a husband who is easily pleased." Maud: "Don't worry, dear; that's the kind you'll get."

He: "By the way, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful ass of myself ?" She: "Which ?" Biggs: "Hobson is the most vacillating man I ever met. He never sticks to one thing a month at a time." Diggs: "You never lent him a fiver, did you ?"

Patient: "Ah, doctor, I had a great fear of being buried alive until " Doctor: "Until what ?" Patient: "Until you took charge of my case." Mrs Bloozin (to tramp): "Haven't you any family ties ?" Tramp : "Nary a tie, marrn. Yer see, I don't wear no collars nor cuffs, so, of course, I don't need none; and, besides that, marm, I'm so dead slow on bow-knots that a tie 'd be wore out before I'd be able to get it on."

Oculist (to countryman): "Well, what can I do for you ?"' Countryman: "If you please, sir, I want ye to pull a tooth out.' Oculist: "My good man, you must go to a dentist. My business concerns the eye only." Countryman: "Well, sir, it's an eye tooth." It's Different Now. —Mr Cruz: "I hear your son has been making loads of money over in Australia lately ?" Mr Colus: "Yes, he was; but the police got too sharp for him."

Realism. —Author: "Well, professor, how do you like my play ?" Critic : "Splendid! Wonderful! So realistic! Especially the burglars in it. Even their dialogue is stolen."

A Great Inventor. —Who is the new young man lodger ?" "He is one of the greatest inventors of the age." "What does he invent ?" "Excuses for not paying his rent." That was different. —She (tenderly): "Sometimes I wonder why you love me." He (assentingly): "So do I." She (indignantly): "Sir ?" He (explanatorily): "I mean, why you love me." Changed r About.—Chinese Emperor: "Why did,you lose that battle ?" General We-Run: "The Japanese attacked us in our rear." "I was informed that they attacked you in front." Y-e-s; but that was our rear when they got there." A POET'S WINGS. "Oh would I were a bird !" he wrote, A poet true was he; "Oh, had I wings e'en like a dove, Wings for to set me free !" And from the kitchen came a voice— His wife; ah, yes; 'twas she — "Here's wings upon this fowl," she said; "Com£, cut them off for me." Pat's Dilemma.—An Irish tenant farmer, returning from a somewhat distant market late one afternoon, missed his way and got into a bog-hole, where he stuck fast. His landlord, who knew the locality well, chancing to pass shortly afterwards on horseback, noticed his tenant's dilemma, and smilingly shouted, "Hello, Pat, you have got fixity of tenure now." "Yes, begorra," ejaculated Pat, "and sure I'd be moightily obliged if yer honor would evict me."

"Honestly," says old Mrs Jason, "I don't believe that the new minister could stick to his text if it was printed on a fly paper." "So she said I was absent-minded?" said Chappie. "Xot exactly. She said that your conversation showed a remarkable absence of mind."

"Did he marry the girl who could paint things on the crockery ware?" "No, he married the girl who couid cook things to put into crockery ware."

WHEN TO BE ALONE

There are times when man would be alone, Far from the madding crowd, When he his privacy can own, And think his thoughts out loud. One of these times, without a dcubt. Is when he first bestrides A bike, and neighbors all come out To see how well he rides.

Little Bertha (in the country): "Grandpapa, you must have to keep an awful lot of policemen out here." Grandpapa: "Why, Berth?" "Oh, there's such a lot of grass to keep people off." Customer: "I bought some medicine here yesterday for my dog, and after I gave it to him he died. What do you mean, anyway? I didn't tell you I wanted to kill him." Druggist. "You said he belonged to your wife." Inquiring Philosopher: "To what do you attribute the increasing number of 4'ld maids hereabouts?" Astute Native: "I couldn't say; but seems to me as if it might be due to the inereasin' number of old bachelors about here."

Little Evangeline Yorick was asked which of her school subjects she most liked. " The poetry," she replied. "And what's that?" "Oh. it's lines that all end alike and 110 one can understand," was her prompt and not unr veracious answer.

Jeweller: "The inscription you wish engraved on the inside of this ring I understand is 'Marcellus to Irene.'" Young Man (with embarrassment): "Yes, that's right. But—er—don't cut 'lrene' very deep. I may want to use it again."

Matched.—Applicant : "I ask you for the hand of your daughter." Parent : " Have you any prospects for the future?" "None whatever." "She hasn't any, either. Take her, my boy, and be happy. Bless you both!"

His Ultimatum.—They were discussing the new woman and her attire. "So you refuse to become reconciled to bloomers?" she said, finally "Yes, indeed. It must be skirts or nothing," he replied, with the air of a man who does not change his mind. There was Another Way.—A conjurer was recently performing the old trick of producing eggs from a pocket handkerchief, when he remarked to a little boy in fun; "I say, my boy, your mother can't get eggs without hens, can she?" "Of course she can," replied the boy. "Why, how is that?" asked the conjurer. "She keeps ducks," replied the boy, amid roars of laughter. Father: What is the matter with May? She has been straying about the house with a pre-occupied, absentminded air all day. Mother: That's all right. She's just practising how to stray under the mistletoe and look unconscious.

PLEASANT TO BE A BEAR. Miss Sweetly: Are you a bull or a bear, Jack? Jack Brokaw: Oh, I'm a bear, darling. Wihy? Miss Sweetly: A bear! Oh, how nice! Then you—you must" Jack Brokaw: Yes, whenever I get the chance. And he cornered her—to tell her about the Christmas presents, of course.