WIT AND HUMOUR.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 2089, 24 January 1896, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

At the Annual Christmas Feast.—Absent minded Old Gent: Great Scott! I've forgotten my false teeth! Old Lady: I just called, mem, to thank you for the kind present you gave me last Christmas ! (Hint taken.) Toddles: Papa, why do we hang up holly branches at Christmas ? Is it because it's a holiday (holly day) ? A Dreary Holiday—Neighbor: Did you have a nice Christmas? Boy: No; all my presents were things to improve my mind. Not His Regular Time Yet.—Teacher (in mission Sunday school): Do you ever clean your nails, Jakey? Jakey: T'asm. Cleaned 'em last Christmas. I ain't no dude. _ "Johnny," said Johnny's papa on Christmas Eve, "do you believe in Santa Claus ?" "I think so," Johnny answered, "but I can tell you better to-morrow morning.' Shy Johnnie: I —er—think Christmas fuss is all nonsense, don't you know. Miss Larkins: Of course it is! Just as if, for instance, you couldn't kiss a girl just as well without mistletoe at all !" Mrs Holdfast: "Mrs Sweetly hasn't any more idea of economy than a child." "What has she done ?" "Bought a Christmas present for her husband, and paid for it with her own money." A Fearful Charge.—Dilly (in horrified whisper): Mamma, Willie is an infidel. Mamma: An infidel? Dilly: Yes; he says he don't believe there's any Santa Claus. Left that for Her.—Kingley: I suppose you have bought all of your wife's Christmas presents, haven't you? Bingo: All but one. Kingley: Which one? Bingo: Mine. A Regular Church-goer.—Pillar: Very glad to see you here, old man. I had an idea that you never went to church. Bakpue: Oh, your'e mistaken. I attend regularly. "Not here?" "Yes." "Is it possible?" "Yes, sir—every Christmas." There was a young lady of Niger, Who smiled as she rode a tiger, At the end of the ride, the girl was inside, And the smile on the face of the tiger. If I had the arranging Of things down here below. Each day would be a Christmas, All green things mistletoe. A negro preacher addressed his flock with great earnestness on the subject of "Miracles," as follows: "My beloved friends, de greatest of all miracles was 'bout de loaves and fishes. Dey was 5000 loaves and 2000 fishes, and the 12 'postles had to eat 'em all. De miracle is, dey didn't bust." " Everything that is done in this house is always blamed onto me," sniffed the small boy, "an' I'm jist gettin' tired of it. I'll run away, that's what I'll do. Dog gone if 1 mean to be the Li Hung Chang of this family any longer." During a lull in the conversation one of the proud Melbourne beauties in the box happened to glance at the stage. "Dear me!" she exclaimed, greatly displeased, "It's the opera ! I thought we were at the horse show."

Fair Sufferer: Doctor , are corns always caused by wearing shoes that are too tight ? Chiropodist: Not always, ma'm. That's what causes 'em in the case of your friend, Miss Briggins, acrost the way. Her feet were made to fit a No. 6 shoe, and she'. s ? a-trying to crowd 'em into a No. 4. Yours, ma'am is produced by wearing too large a shoe, which makes wrinkles in the leather and causes friction agin the cuticle. Young Man (to rich father of ten daughters):" I wish to propose for the hand of your daughter." "Which of them, young man V—which of them ?" "Well, I don't know. Now, in confidence, which of 'them would you advise a fellow to take ?" Lady of the House: Listen, Charlotte, I am going to give a party, supper and a dance. Now, you will have to show what you can do, so as to keep up the credit of my establishment. Cook : With pleasure, ma'am, but I can only dance the waltz and the polka. You will have to excuse me from the quadrilles. Lady (to registry office keeper): I want an experienced plain cook. Now, she must be a creature without an atom of personal attraction. Send me the ugliest creature you can find ! Registry Office Keeper (who knows the ropes, in sympathetic tones): Husband ma'am. Lady (indignantly): No, indeed ! I live near the police barracks. "So you always manage to put up with your tartar of a wife ?" "Oh, yes! We have lots of fun together. Well, you see, my wife, when she gets into a passion, is in the habit of throwing at me anything that comes in her way. Every time she hits me she is pleased, and every time she misses I am pleased; and thus we are never short of amusement. Too Agreeable.—Some people have a habit of assenting to everything said to them without regard to rhyme or reason, "Oh, yes," "Certainly," "No, indeed," "Of course," "Yes, indeed," "You are quite right," and the like. Mrs Endricks is one of those pleasant people. "I think," said Mrs Hobson.who was making a call, "that little Miss Small is one of the stupidest girls I ever met. and " "Isn't she ?" interrupted Mrs Endricks."And so plain " "Dreadfully." "Now, I haven't much beauty myself, but " "No, indeed," said Mrs Endricks cordially. " Come, dear, kiss my cheek, and make it up," Bhe said forgivingly. "I'll kiss it," he answered, " hot I don't think it wants any more making up." Stern Father of the Girl: " I saw you kiss my daughter as I passed tbe parlor awhile ago,i and I want you to know I don't like it.'' Young Man: " You may not, but I do." Celebrated Lawyer (to burglar client) : "Now, teel me honestly, did you rob tbe bank?" Client (in disgust): "Of course I did. Do you a'pose I should be able to retain yer if I hadn't?" Rev. Howler Loud: "Is it true that you fainted in your husband's arms atter the wedding ceremony r" M iss Coldcash: " Yea; and that's tbe only time in his life he ever supported me." THE BIRD IN THE HAND. To say old things are best is pleasant, Although it makes one stand aghast; For well he knows the Christmas present Is better than the Christmas past. THE BEST. To kiss beneath the mistletoe Has doubtless many charms, For I in sight of all may go And take her in my arms. But of the kisses that I prize, The sweetest ones are those I win when, far from prying eyes, I kiss her 'neath the rose. GENEROUS. "My dear," said old Skinflint to his wife, "we ought to do something for the poor people around here this Christmas." "I think so, too. What dr you propose to do?" asked Mrs. S. "Suppose we have our Christmas dinner at night, and leave the dining-room shades up, so that they can see our plum pudding?" MY CHRISTMAS GIRL. 'Neath the mistletoe is she, Passing fair, And her beauty seems to me But to dare Sweet familiarity, Blissful, rare; What a dainty temptress she, Standing there! IN A GOOD CAUSE. Wife: George, this burning of the candle at both ends means an untimely grave. It is nearly twelve o'clockcome to bed. George: But I'm doing this night work in order to raise money enough to buy your Christmas present. Wife: Well, if you will persist in working, of course I can't stop it. Good sight, dt&r.