Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1582, 25 March 1887, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

Having been enveloped in a garment much too big for him, the little boy told bis father that he felt " awfully lonesome" in his new shirt. The merits of a new church organ were thus described—" The Bwell died away in a delicious suffocation, like one singing a sweet song under the bed-clothes." Said a young doctor to a lady patient; " You must take exercise for your health, my dear." - All right," she said. "I'll jump at the first offer." They were married in about six months. " My dear," said a husband to his affectionate better half, after a little squabble, '* yoi'll certainly never be permitted tj go to heaven." " Why not ?" " Because you'll be wanted as tormentor below." "If a lady is beautiful, my son," said a latter-day Lord Chesterfield," never fail to refer to her beauty." " What am I to do when the lady is plain ?" inquired the junior. " Just the same," was the reply. Magistrate: " What brought you here, sir ?" Prisoner: " Two officers, if you please, your honour." Magistrate: "I suppose liquor had something to do with it?" Prisoner: " Yes, sir; they were both drunk." According to W.H. Harrison, Joseph Snow, at one time Clerk to the Literary Fund and afterwards editor of a Welsh newspaper, had one answer to any witticism perpetrated on his name :— *• He could not see he drift of it." Mrs Fizzletop overheard her son Johnny swear iike a trooper. " Why, Johnny," she exclaimed, " who taught you to swear that way ?" Taught me to swear ?" exclaimed Johnny, " why, it's me who teaches the other boys." Clara (Bobby's big sister)—" I heard father calling you a little while ago, Bobby." Bobby —*« Lid he say ' Robert' or ' Bobby' ?" Clara—" He said * Robert.'" Bobby (with a serious look in his eyes—" Then I think I'd better see what he wants." Great advancement has been made in fieldglasses, A Baltimore genius claims to have one that will enable him to look from the Baltimore heights to Washington and see a member of Congress take a drink of " water." A very powerful glass, certainly. " Now, Johnny, take your medicine like a good boy. Mumma will put a penny in your bank every day if vou do." What will oo buy wif it when oo gets lots ?" " Johnny can buy mamma a new bonnet when he gets enough saved. Johnny swallowed his dose. " Yes," said the lady lecturer," women have been wronged for ages; they have suffered in thousands of wajs." " There's one way they never suffered in, s»id a hen-pecked man, rising. " What is that ?" demanded the lectuier. " They have never suffered in silence." Druggist—" Well, my little man, what can Ido for you?" Boy—"I want 10 cents worth of cochineal and five cents worth of hayseed." Druggist—" What do you want cochineal and hayseed for ?" Boy—" Me wudder is makin' some strawberry ice-cream for the church picnic."—New York Times. Mrs Kemble told J.C. Young of an excellent remark made to ber by Washington Irving. The merits of a certain diplomatist being on the tapis, he said, in allusion to his pomposity, " Ah, he is a great man; and, in his own estimation, a very great man —a man of great weight. When he goes to the West, the East tips up." " I remember," says Lord Eldon, "M* * Justice Gould trying a case at York, and when he had proceeded for about two hours he observed—* Here are only eleven jurymen in the box; where is the twelfth ?" ' Please you, my Lord,' said one of the eleven,' he has gone away about some business, and he has left his verdict with me.' "

Hicks "and JThackeray (says J. C. Young), walking together, stopped opposite a doorway, over which was inscribed in gold letters these words" Mutual Loan Office." They both seemed equally puzzled. " What on earth can that moan?" nsked Hicks. I don't know," answered Thackeray; " unless it mean that two men who have nothing agree to lend it to each other."