Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1581, 18 March 1887, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

It's a great pity women ever grow up. They are so beautifully ingenuous and ljpnest as children.—San Francisco Chronicle.

Austere pedagogue to small boy—"Boy, you speak very indistinctly. Don't your friends tell you so P " Boy—" No sir; they are not so rude."

Lady Chatttrton says that Rogers happened to ask Macaulay what he thought of Miss Harriet Martineau's wonderful cures by mesmerism. He said, with one of his rare smiles, "Oh, it's all my eye, and Hetty Martineau."

An Irish soldier in the Imperial service, in a battle against the Turks, sheuted to his comrade that he had "caught a Tartar." " Bring him along, then," said his brother-in-arms. " Faith, but he won't come," remonstrated the hero. "Then come along yourself," wastheprudentadvice. " Arrah!" exolaimed the Irishman, " I wish I could, but he won't let me." In point of fact the Tartar would appear to have caught the boastful Celt. A young man who believes in self-improre* ment having recently married, suggested to his wife that they should argue some question frankly and fully every morning in order to learn more of eaoh other. The first question happened to be " Whether a woman could be expected to get along without a hat," and be took the affirmative, and when he was last seen he hsd climbed up into the hay-loft, and was pulling the ladder after him. Soon after the appearance of Burke'i work, in which the celebrated expression of " the swinish multitude," as applied to the lower grades of society, was used, a pamphlet was published in the form of a catechism, with a reference about the war then about to be commenced. The first question, " What is the first duty of a member of the swinish multitude?" was answered, "To save his bacoa." A good-humoured reproof. Macaulay, it appears, was unhandy to a degree quite unexampled in the experience of all who knew him. After he had tailed for India (says his biographer) there were found in his chambers between fifty and sixty strops, hacked into strips and splinters, and razors without beginning to end. About the same period he hurt his hand and was reduced to send for a barber, After the operation, he asked what was to pay. " Oh, sir," said the man, " whatever you usually give the person who shaves you." "la that case," said Macaulay, " I should give you a great gash in each cheek."

A lady has a pony of which she is very fond, but not long sinoe she thought that he was a little " dull," so she called in a veterinary surgeon, who prescribed a powder for the equine favourite. The next morning she said to her man-of-all-work, " Pat, did you give the pony his medicine?" "Faith, mum," answered Pat rather ruefully," I got a big glass pipe, an' I put the medicine in it, and I oacked the pony up in the corner. I put the pipe in his mouth, an' was just goin' to blow it down into him ; but he breathed first, and I hare the powther in me instead of him I"