Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1526, 9 April 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

" And are you glad- to see me, my little man P" asked (he bishop -of Bobto •fj*. ' sir," replied Bobby. " And why.iuß jrm gfyA to see me P" " Because it's only ':Meh y<in come that we bare anything [for dinner worth eating. 1 * Illiterate housekeeper—" Mr f!«w% jqq must send me another girl." Agent—"l'm afiaid the trouble is with you, lfae Pris. Youv'e tried German, Irish, and —" i but they're no good. My neighbour has an excellent girl. She's a Swe.ienborgian. Send me one from Sircdenborgia." *. >i v ~T

Hobson Jones—" Yes, Miss Clare g*V» nfe every reason to think that she was interested in me; but when I asked her to be ay wife, she unqualifiedly refused " MnD>Bnllitfn—"On what grounds did she refuse onff Hobson Jones—"On the lawn tennis grounds in ber father's own garden." ' Miss S.—" Ah, Mr St John, youhave out shooting What sort oF Juek did toft have P" Mr St J.—" Well, I scared ua amen partridges." Miss B.—How many did tou shoot ?" Mr St J.-" I did not U® jSy, of course, for I had my sniping suit on, don't yon know." " Wonder where Splashpen gets thelifg words be uses so plentifully in his writiajn] 1 - "Out of the dictionary, of courw." accounts for it. He used three words in ton lines, the other day, of which I did not know ihe meaning. I went to the dictionary, but they weren't there. Perhaps, is you suggest, Splashpen had taken them. French visitor—"l call to see ifoMiiftfc ' Bollard." Maid —You can't see h»n% tffij > he's not up yet." French visitor— 1 " V«t jon tell P I com yester, and you say can't see heem because he not down s now you say can't see heem because he not opp. Yen wul he hi in ze middle, mademoiselle? I no oom« pr'end\"

Young lady—"l called on Ifal B.' Mm afternoon, mamma, and what do you tkUI saw on her new ebony sideboard P" Mother—- " I have no idea." Young lady—" A volume of Shakespeare's ' Paradise Lost,' bound in dark blue. Think of it—dark blue against in ebony background!" - - v.?

Doctor—"You see, dew, I hare pulled my patient through after all; aeeijr critical case, I can tell you. His wifc-»"Ye* dear hubby; but then you arc ao clever ja your profession. Ah! if I had only known you five years earlier! I (eel oertain my first husband—my poor 1 homas—would have been saved." Carrie and May were picking the absent Matilda to pieces. Said May, after a moinea* tary pause in the conversation, * How; happy should I be did I know that somebody was having as good a talk about us a? weare having about Tilly! Jhere is nothing selfish about me, Carrie, I like to have others enjoy themselves." ■>>"■ A philosopher who had bombed some money to pay for his night's lodging j|ft hotel woke up in the night and saw apeteon climbing through the. window. With admir* able nonchalance he said to the " Look hoie, my friend, you'll get into debt & you rob me, for you won't find anything bat unreceipted tailors' bills in my pocketa." \ M You can't add different tlnogs together/' said a school teacher. "If you add esktij}. and a caw together it does not make two sheep or two cows.'' A little boy, the son of a milkman, held up his hand and said -"That may do with sheep and cows, but if yon aft a quart of water to a quart of milk, H makes'two quarts of milk. I've seen it tried." i»? " Unole James," said a city young who was • pending a few days in the country, "is that chicken at the gate a Brahmin" " So," replied uncle James," he's a " Why, certainly, to be sure/' said the young lady. " How stupid of me I I can aee tiw horns on his ankles." l .i ' it

A lady was tinging the other week ait charity conoert, and the audienoe insisted upon hearing her song a second tine. {Ear daughter, a little child, was present, and* oa being asked afterwards bow her mamma bad sung, replied, " Very badly, for they nin her do it all over again."

He was talking to the girl, and aha was suffering in patient endurance. All at once bis face lighted up, and she mired slightly, " Ah, Mr de Sappy, what is it P" she inquired, quickly and expectantly. "A bwilKaot thought stwuck ma, Miss Fannie," he replied* M Indeed!" she sighed wtarily. « Whoee tie hP" " Look here," said Fusticus, at a recent concert, " The seat you have gften me is only fit for a dog." " Why, what's the matter with it P" inquired the attendant! "it's one of the best seats in the hall." "Thatmay all be," said Fusticus," but it's a dog 1 * seal for all that. Look at the number, that piOTM it—K 91"

Mrs Arlington—" I want a thermometer Give me the best you have." * Optioia*— " Well, here is one of the finest Venetian glass, and the very best quicksilver" Mr* Arlington— 1 " Quicksilver P I want it for my drawing room. H&yen't you any that* mo meter with quick gold. I shan't Bund the cost, you know. A very loquacious lady, calling one day la consult her physician, talked on and on with such volubility that the latter could not get io a word edgeways. Growing impatient he at length told her to put out her tongue, which she did. He then said—" Now please keep it there till you have heard what I hate got to say to you." " Yes," said the merchant* M I always matk the moßt expensive of my goods as *eesj' during the holiday season. Then ? theft ' women read the signs it makes them crtiy to have the same article, and they are so dieappointed that I finally promise to trr and get them another—wbiob, of oouree. I bafeio trouble in doing. Oh, it'a a great sohefcej I tell you, and never Ms." *r ?T. A newlymarried lady, not very well «p 4n household matterf, said tohergrooertbeathft day—l bought three or four hamshena couple of months ago, and they fine. Have you any more like them P wooer Yes, ma'am, there are ten of titO*e baan hanging up there." " Are you sntfj they ma all off the same pigP" "Ye*'Jmnmm 41 Then I'll take three of them."^ Minister (newly placed)— * I Tour wife in church on Sunday, Mr Mewsp. I hope she's well," Mr MolfaMf W«* minister, tae tell ye the truth, shf's weel. She's been baein' a reither sair tout 1 Minister, under the impression that a tout means a " tot")-" Dear me, is she dWW Wa» wayP I wouldn't have believed *1 me McNab—" Toots, minister, she's but bnglll An' whit's to biuner even yersel' from heeim yin whiles I" (Exit minister A KOCTUBHI. - , The Thomas cat now sings upon the abed, When starry nights sueceed tbe golden dsy. Sings, after all the boarders are tabad* __ And waken them with his weird* nocturnal Singslm he splits the h stoning ear of aigfcl, (fill windows are thrown up, aid fiscae giM Appear, and then ha tablet suddw With half a down bootjtgki afarwik-