Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1524, 26 March 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

The pupil of one's eye is made to attend to business by tie lash that is held over it. They never play cards on a polar expedition because of the danger from cold decks. The telephone exchanges are always son of a good holler-day trade. It hss been remarked that the cream of ex* perience is skimmed from spilt milk. Why should a man be careful about marrilge ? Because a wedding is almost always a miss take. At a recent wedding the bridesmaids carried huge bunches of grapes instead of flowers. Sour grapes, of < ourse! Pat, on being told the other day that there was a penny off the loaf, wanted to know if it was off the penny loaf. " From Kentucky ?*' "Yes,sir." "Name. please?" "Mr Johnson." " Mister P" "Yes, sir, I am given that distinction at home." A bottle of pepper-sauce is mentioned at one of the recent wedding presents of an lowa bride. "What I told my wife" is the title of a new book. It is almost needless to say that it is fiction. "Papa, have guns got legs?" w No. M " How do they kick then ?" " Wish their breeches, my son." An exchange tells " How to boil onions." What we want is a recipe for boiling the man who eats them. The Nationalists of Ireland are filled with the spirit of 86, that being the number of Parnellites elected to Parliament. An old rounder says paralysis is caused by canned goods. It is also certain that some of it comes through bottled goods. Kingman county, Kan., has a post-office named "Hold the Fort." And the Democratic appointee adds," for lam coming." "How do you like apple pie, Mr Gross P" asked the landlady. " Why, cut up in large Siecos, and served with cheese," replied the it-beaded boarder. " Did you cry when your ma went away V asked a kind-hearted neighbour of little Mary. " Well," said Mary after some reflection, "I believe I did burst a few tears." •« Have you read ■ Half hours with in« sects' P" asked Bromley. " No," sadly replied Pompano, with a retrospective gleam in hit eye," but I kuow what it means." "She—" Don't you think something should be done towards uplifting the stage P" He—"Yes) or perhaps something towards the lowering of the bonnet would serve the same purpose." ■*•

Where do you find men of the least weight P In Ireland, where there are " men of Cork," and in Scotland, where there are "men of Ayr." But in Loudon there are "lighter men." Nervous old lady enters a train; when about to seat herself she discovers a horrid man with a gun. "I hope that thing if not loadt d." " Frolicsome sportsman—" Yes, ma'm, it is. However,*l will insert this cork in the muzsle. There!" The timid one is satisfied. Mamma—" No, Bobby, you can't do that" Bobby " Now, there's no use asking any questions. I have told you not to do it, and if 1 find you have disobeyed me, I'll-well, I'll wash your hands," Taking the Bland dollar for a model, saloonkeepers have intronuoed a new drink called the Bland smile. It is 80 per cent whiskey and the rest water. A dude expressed himself thai concerning a steam fire engine t " Who would ban dweamed that such a vewy diminutive looking concern would hold so much watah P" Lover—Yes j you may consider your girl's father, who persists in staying in the room during courting hours, a Mugwump. In inch instauces a third party is not desirable. XHB BSCBBT 01 MATBIMOHIAL IHIGRT. Hy wife isn't muoh of a beauty, But a housekeeping body is she | Efficient in housekeeping duty, And makes the house pleasant for nib She wears the most tasty apparel, Ana she's a perpetual joy, And we've never in life had a quwrel, For she cooks like an angel, my boy.

Classic il anecdote—Said Cicero to Attaoust " Shall you hang your stooking up to-night at your father's Lares f" Atticus pithily replied t " No, I, have huug up my summer toga at my uncle's. An lowa man has discovered • remedy for rheumatism, consisting of maple sugar dissolved in apple brandy. In less than a week after he mide the disoorery the whole neighbourhood was Imping around with thi rheumatism.

XHB KILKENNY CAT ABTBOPHI. There were once two cats in Kilkenny | Bach thought there were two cats too many | So they quarrelled and fit, They scratched and they bit, Till excepting their nails, And the tips of their tails, Instead of two cats there weren't any.

Wife—•' I was very much annoyed at the party last eveting " Husband—" What waa the trouble P" Wife—" Why, as Mrs-Mn-w hat's her name, was about to introduce to me Mies—Miss -that young lady from Boston —you know whom I mean—Mrs—Mrs—what i her name said to me:—' Excuse me, but your name for the moment has escaped me.' 1 wtl too provoked for anything." " Humph," growled the King of the Oen« nibal Inlands, as he glanced at a New York paper, which wao all that was left of a missionary that took the leading part in a royal feast. "Wherefore gruntett thou, your Majesty?" murmured the Prime Minister. « I kDew that missionary waa a fraud. " to« asmuch as to wherefore ?" " Beeattse in this paper, which came from bis own country, there are several advertismenta for a girl to cook. If there s one thing I hate it a a hypocrite, unless he's well doue on toast. "Will you be kind enough to take that sack off the seat?" said a countryman who got into a train. •« No, sir, I don't propose to do anything of the sort," replied the drummer, who was sitting on the other side of the seat. "Do you say that you are going to let that sack stay right there ?" " Yea, sir, T do." "Iu case you don't remove that sack, I shall be under the painful necessity of caU« ing the guard" " You can call in theguard, the engineer and the brakesman, if you want to. Perhaps you had better stop at the next station and telegraph the general manager himself about it" "The guard will put yott out of tie train." " I don't care if he doee. I am not g«ing to remove that sack from the place where it is." The mdigiiant pweengef went along the train, and soon returned with the guard. "Soyou refuse to remove that sack, do you P' asked the guard. "I do. Great sensation. "Why do you persist iu refusing to remove that anokP" "Became it's not mine." "Why didn't you lav so M oncer "BewuwoofodjHkedae/'