Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1523, 19 March 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

"Tell me what the lady has sketched?** said Dobyn to a little boy who wag carrying an easel on his shoulder and following a lady. " I ihink, sir, she's ketched the measles.

Benevolent old lady who has jtut given a pfenny to a small rustic—" Now, my dear, what do you say Small rustic, with naive politeness—'" Give me another." 0 f old lady.

EPITAPH ON A HOD CltHim,

Here lies a hod carrier under the aod.

He's happy there'a no doubt of that | He carried in life many bricks in hii hod, But never a brick in his hat

" Why should the soldier never loae his head in battle P" said a German captain to a private soldier. "Because if he did he would not have any place to pat bis hat on."

In a boulevard restaurant—" Waiter, bring me some mistakes in orthography." Ponied waiter: " But, sir, we—we haven't any." " Why, then do you put them in your bill of fare?"

" How do you tell a fool when yon see one, Mrs Jones ?" asked a wearisome old bachelor of a lively young widow. " I usually tell on* to leave," she replied; and the bachelor didn't ask for a diagram. A chicken wi'h a clipped wing made streral in fftcual attempts to fly over a fence. All Irishman who witnessed the efforts of tha " jhick," laughingly exclained: " Begorra, sho has a defective flew."

A celebrated tragedian had a broken note. A lady once remarked to him: H I tike your acting, but, to be frank with you, I can't get over your nose." "No wonder, Madame," replied the tragedian, " the bridge ia gone." " Has my client anything right?" asked • counsellor, out of patience, of a brother wrangler at the bar. " I know not,"J was the response. " Bat one thing is certain—when you get through with him he will hare nothing left."

Some time ago a music-house in this city received a letter from a young lady asking for some sheet music. She doted apologising for her bluudera in the following urn* guage: " Plez exkua mi apellin. i apel bi era, but i pla be not."—N. T. Christian Advocate.

A teacher took an apple from one of the boya during rchool hours. After awhile tho teacher ate up the apple while die pupils were busy with their sums. The lad, noticing this, began to cough. " What is the matter with you?" inquired the dominie. "Oh, please, sir, the'apple has gone down the wrong way."—From the German.

" Paper is now moulded into apokes fo* carriage and waggon wheels." Some papers, we've been told, can be moulded into almost any shape by the promise of a few thousand dollars' worth of official advertising.

A stranger stepped into a lawyer's office the other day, says the Wilmington, N. 0., Star, and inquired, "Is this the water office?" The lawyer answered promptly, " No, sir. This is the wind office; the water office is next door."

A. DIFFERENCE.

The evening; paper gives the new* And dottjgf« to-day; The mormngjnper but repeats What happened yesterday.

The difference, thus plainly seen, Involves no mystery; The evening journal gives us news-* The morning, history.

Language Note—" Good morning, Mrs. Gilligan; how is Patrick this morning P" " Shure, he's no better, sir." " Why don't you send h m to the hospital to be treated P" To be treated, is it ? Faith, an' it's the delarium trim nins he has already." A Norwich man told a lady that he wo old be pleased to spend an evening at h<>r house* Bhe replied that she would be very glad to have hi u do so, and further asked the young man to call on Friday evening. Bhe said she would not beat home herself, but mother and the dog would be there. "Ma, did you know old Mr Slimkius P" askei Mildred. " Yes, dear," replied the old lady. "He is dead." " Now, that's too bad; I've known him so many yees/ 1 " The paper says he was an octogenarian." " Oh, no ; there must be some mistake about that. He's been a Cumberland Presbyterian ever sinoe I knew him,"

" There is a man on our street afHioted with a bad ca o of the foot-and mouth dis* ease," remarked Ebeneaer Jones to a young physician of his acquaintance. " Impossible, said the young doctor. " I never heard of ft human being taking that disease." " But he has it, undoubtedly." " What are the symptons ?" " Why, he thinks he'sohampiott pedestrain, and he is alwayi talking about ft."

An Irish soldier was quartered in a petty French town which had a very pretentioua gate. A grocer dilating on its grandenr ( asked him what the Irish would say if they possessed it. « Faith, they'd say," was his reply. " we'll kape the big gate shut or the dirty little town will be after runoin' out of »

A merchant alone in a desolate store Sang, " Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow j M I said to him, " Why are you pacing the

floor, Singing,« Willow, tit-willow, tit-willow P ,M 11 Alas 1" he replied as he smothered hit

cries, " I thought it was nonsense to advertise, And now I've no custom all but the flies;

Oh, willow, tit-willow, tit willow!"

Scene: A fashionable West End shop— Entara lady of title, addressing a shopwalker i " I wish to exchange something I bought yesterday." " Yes madamj do you remember whether you were attended on by the gentle l man with the dark moustache or the gentleman with the light beard?" "Oh, neither; it was the nobleman with the bald htad."-» Lotion Olobe.

An old Scotch lady was told that her nun* ister used notes. She disbelieved it. Said onet " Gk> into the £allery|and see." She did so and saw the written sermon. After the luckless preacher had oonoluded his reading on the last page he aaid: " Bat I will n<A enlarge." The old woman called oat from her lofty position: Ye canna, ye eanna, for your paper's give oot." It was at Heidelberg that a quiet oitneOf leaving the cars, said to a swaggering German student s " Sir you are crowding me! Keep bick a little bit sir!" The student turned fieroely and said in a loud tone: "Do you not like it ? Well, sir, 1 am at your service wbenev. zyyou please!" " Oh, thank you!" said the traveller; " your offer is very kind and you may carry my valise to the hotel for me." The student fled amid aboati of laughter. " Strange idea, isn't it, to aend a theatrical company out on the road without telling them where to go P" " How is that P" " Why, the paper states that a company from thia i| going to travel with' Seated Initruotwaii »■* i Tort