Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1522, 12 March 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

A lawyer bat the following tacked on hit door: " Those who call on business will please make it brief."

"At the party last night I noticed you were a little too much like the toasts." "Why, how were the toasts P" "They were drunk!"

French wit—ln a Police Court—"What are your means of existence?" demands the Justice of a tramp who has been brought before him. " A rery good stomach." Mflllon Zidore, the doyen of the guild of the cigar-stamp collectors, who recently died in Paris uttered a wise and beautiful saying when askad if he was content with his lot ' Yes," he replied," enough to lore life; bat net enough to dread death."

Said William to Martha—"But you most remember, my dear, that my taste is better than yours" Said Martha to William—- " Undoubtedly, when we come to remember that you married me and I married you." And William said not a word, but seemed to be thinking. There is a grimness in French satire. It is related that not long after the late election in France a workman in a wineshop roared, "No more Emperors! No more Princes! Hang all the sovereigns! The people are sovereign now!" " All right; hang them, too," quietly remarked a Conservative who wis standing by. "

Barry Sullivan, the Irish tragedian, was playing " Richard III" some yean ago at Shrewsbury, in England. When the actor came to the line, "A horse, a hone, my kingdom for a horse!' some one in the pit called out, ".Wouldn't an ass do yon, Mr Sullivan ?" " Yes," responded the tragedian turning quickly on the interrupter, "please come round to the stage door." Mr Fauzpas (to young lady)—Ah, Miss Charmante, I have just come from the side of Mrs Smith, who has been asking me about the beautiful young lady at the flower table. Miss C. (appearing to busy herself in arranging some flowers) —Have yon never heard how I detect flattery ? Mr F. (who thinks he may have blundered)—Ob, but really, you know, it is dark over where she is sitting. One can hardly see you. They were discussing the merits of Mr Grabb, the lawyer. " I don't wish to say anything against his character, but— * have the speaker paused. "\v hy, he seems a very religious man. He never swears, never drinks, keeps the Sabbath " " Tea, he keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his bands on."

A descendant of the Marquis of Montrose being taunted by a Campbell for the long time his ancestor's head was stuok upon the tolbooth at Edinburgh, " Montrote," said be, was too good a soldier to quit his poet till he was reliefer!," alluding to the Marquis of Argyll's head having been placed in its stead, after the Restoration.

" Don't flounder about so," said the crabbed mackerel. "Shut up, or I'll whale you," said the other. " Will you do it a porpoise P" asked the mackerel. " Not a shad dow of a doubt of it," replied the other. * I beg yea to be dam, gentlemen," entreated a lobster, " Or 'eel get into hot water," cried a sheens* head on hu mussel j and they all went off for currents. A west-side lady was reproved by her family physician for too tight lacing as injurious to her health. " But, doctor," replied the lady," the times are very hard, and I have to make all kinds of shifts for economy's sake." " And what feature of economy if then in tight lacing P" he asked. " Why," she replied, " if I lace tight it prevents waist iullness," A New York merchant who does business with Moses Schaumburg, of Austin, wrote to the latter, asking him if a certain Austin lawyer was reliable. The same lawyer owed Mose 32 dollars for a suit of clothes. Most turned to Jake Silterstone, his efficient clerk, and said i—Choost write to that man in Niew Yorick), dot it vas one of my pishness princibles never to say noddingi pad of a man in mine o/ro town, hence, for dot reason, I says nodriings about dot schay hawk lawyer."— Texns Siftiugs.

A judge of the Court of Session, well known for speaking bis mother tongue in its broadest accent, as well on the bench as in common dil* course, on a particular occasion was addressed by a banister, equtlly noted for the elegance and purity of his style, as hit lordship wai the reverse, who opened the case of his oHent in the following wordsi—"My lord, the pursuer, my client, is an itinerant violin player," ' What's that ?" said his lordship; "ii that what ye ca' a fchV fl idler P" « Vkl&r* Iff bo called," said the lawyers. De Guy—" Sir, I hare the honour to art for your daughter's hand. It is true I am poor, but on the other hand I am very talent* ed. I think yoa will ne?er regret giving your consent.'* Old person, («aro uticelly)— * Ten are very kind, and I appreciate the honour of the alliance. Which one of my daughter! do you wish to honour with your hand P" De Guy, (airily)—" lam not particular. Since you are to kind I will leave the ohotoe to you." —Philadelphia Call.

The manner of the German students is proverbial, as is also their mania for duelling* It was at Heidelberg that* quiet citizen leaving the cars said to a swaggering student—" Sir, you are crowding me! Keep back a little bit, sir!" The student turned fiercely, and said in a loud tone—" Do you not like it P Well, sir, I am at your servico whenever you please!" "Oh, thank you," said the traveller j "Your offer is very kind, and you may carry my valise to the hotel for me." The student fled amid shouts of laughter. —Heidelberg Zeitung.

A. PALP ABU HIT. In a certain email town the members of the various religious sect* won very tolerant toward each other. The clergymen in par. ticular were Tery friendly. On the occasion of the Jewish rabbi's liter wedding, he mtited the Protest mt clergyman and ft'frrthe Oatholio Priest. While the reverend gentlemen were er joying the good cbeer set before them, the Catholic prieet said to the rabbi: " 1 know that you,*re a very liberal-minded gentleman, but could you bring yourself to eat porkP" '«Certainly) I could relish some him* at least on one occasion " " And that would be P'| "At the marriage dinner of your reverence."

WHY THB COUNTRY QOKB TO THI DOGS, A building was in process of erection opposite a public building in Washington City. One of the clerks who had been 1 joking out of the window for some time, said to another clerk who was reading a newspaper i " I have been watching that workman Over there for half an hour, and he has not done a lick of>ork in all that time. I wonder what he gets paid for t" Just about the same time the workman remarked to a fellow workm «n i " Just look at that Government elerk o<rer ther*. He hasn't done anything except took out of the window for the last hnlAhour. No wonder the country U going to the dpgs, M w« JwS weewTvwwfri