Wit and Humour.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 1521, 26 February 1886, Page 4

Wit and Humour.

4 Those who are always forgittine—Money* grubbeis. Folks who are always for-giving—Charitable persons.

A well-preserved man is not necessarily always in a pickle.

Memorial windows should be made of green glass. This suggest s a way of keeping memory ureen.

The cannibals have an easier time of it than the man who eats shad. There are only 240 bones in the human body.

Out West, when it is desired to deFcriba the litrit of meanness, they say: "That would make the Standard Oil ComDanr blush." 3

THE BUBMFSE SITUATION. There was a young King of Burmaw Whose name was simply Theebaw; Ho lost Mar dulay In a cowardly way. And Prendergait shouted "hurraw!" —Troy Timet.

Fierce King Theebaw, In far-off Burmaw, Once tried to chaw The Lion's paw. But he soon saw He'd put in his maw Mor'n he could chaw. Chicago Journal.

A boy will eat and a boy will drink, And a boy will p'ay all day; But a boy won't work, and a boy won't think, Because he ain't built that way. Chicago Ledger. A beatitude is not very happy when the bee attitude happens to be on your hand, with the sting ready for business. " What is the worst thing about riches?' asked the Sunday School superintenden And the new boy said: " Not having any." " I am very sorry for you," said a gentleman to a little street gamin who applied for a penny. "Won't you put your band in your pocket and tell me how sorry you are ?" " No," faid Miss Spinster," I wouldn't h>re any fool of a man!" " And so you cannot get any other kind," remarked Aunt Susan, " you prefer to remain single. Well, I don't blamo you."

An exchange says that there is a large fal'ing off in the population of the western part of Massachusetts. The bicycle is bound to make its way everywhere.—Burlington Free Press.

There was a young lady in Lynn Who said she thought kissing a synn j But when her new beau Tried to see if 'twas seau, She said, " Oh, p'ease do it agynn."

" You say he called you a donkey ?" " Yes." " What did you do about it ?" " Nothing." " Well, if a man should call me a donkey I'd kick him with both feet." "Certainly, any donkey would naturally do that."

A woman is accused of attempting to poieon her husband, who, however, received prompt medical assistance and was able to be present at the trial. " What have you to say in your defence ?" inquired the Judge, addressing the prisoner. "I am innocent! I insist on a post mortem.

The late Mr Van Homrigh, who represented Drogheda is Parliament, was se ; «ed with a complaint which gave more concern to his friends than to himself. " How do you treat your inflammation, Mr Van Homrigh?" said a sedate member for one of the midland counties. " Sir," answered Peter, " I trate it with sovereign contimpt." " There is a good deal of religion in nature," solemnly remarked a young clergyman. whilo calling upon a lady of his congregation the other evening. " There is," wai the quiet reply. "We should never forget 'hat there is a sermon in eveay blade of grass." " Quite true. We should also remember that grass is cut rery short at this season of tha year. 1.

Peel is said to have once inquired of a warm admirer what he thought was the chief qualification of a Prime Minister. "I think," was the ready answer," that he shoul i have J820,000 a year." " No! No 1" expostulated the wealthy Premier, I don't mean that." " I think," was the equally rearty rejoioder, "he should be five feet ten high*'

An old Baptist preacher, so straight a Calvanist that he leaned over backward, waa defending his doctrines against ft man ftS ignorant as he was obstinate. At length the preacher said to his opponent, " Now, look here, my fiiend, don't you believe what is to be will be P" "No I don't at all. I believa what is to be won't be."

" Oh," gasped fat Mrs Weighty, as she ascended the second flight of stairs in her new residence, " I really cannot run up any more stairs." "Of course, not," testily an* swered her husband { " but if the stairs wer# made of dressmakers' bills, you could run them up very easily." " I do detest puns," exclaimed Mrs Weighty, the next day, recounting the conversation to a friend, Little Billy, who was about four yeari old, after waiting for his lunch a good while with commendftbla patience, said—" Mamas, may I have some sardines and bread t" To which the fond mother replied—"Not now, Billy. Wait until lam ready to give them to you." " But, ma, it's me who's hungry, not you." and the poor little fellow's eyes filled with tears.

" If you arc innocent," said a lawyer to his client, an old darky, who wes charged with stealing a ham, " we ought to be able to prove aii alibi." " I don't 'specs we kin," the darky replied doubtfully. "At what time was the haiu stolen P" "'Bout lebben o clock dey s»y." " Well. where were you between 11 o'clock and midnight jin bed ?" " No, sab 11 wai hid'n de ham." —Aetc 1 otk Sun.

A Troy clergyman tells a story told to him by a brother pastor of another city. The latter had in his flock a man who before conversion had been very profane in language, lie had become earnest in prayer, howeWj and on one occasion whs offering a supplication in the prayer meeting for succour for a destitute family. ' Oh, Lord," he saii, " send them a barrel of flour. Oh, Lord, send them a barrel of potatoes. Oh, Lo'd, land them a barrel of [here there was a painful pause for a word! pepper. Thunder, no! he quickly exclaimed " that's too much pepper."

An old Scotchman when taking hii bairn* to be baptised usually spoke of them ae laddies or lassies, as the case might be. At last his wife said he must not any it was a laddie or a lassie, but an infant. So the next time that Sandy had occasion to go to the clergyman, the latter said: '* Weel, Sandy, is it a liddie P" " It's nae a laddie, was the answer. "Then it's a lassie." "It's nae a lasue," said Sandy. "Weel, man, what i? it then P" said the a*tinisbed preacher. " I dinna remember ter* weel, said the parent, ''But I think the wife saM it was an illefant." The clergyman finally found out that it was not an elephant, but an infant that he was expected to b»|>